argh.. i've been trying to post this forever:

yeah so basically i've been thinking about what you said to me today.. and you're right. there is more to life than worrying about everything. and it will drive me insane. i should just allow myself to enjoy some things. right? right. thank you for putting up with me. and helping me deal with my pathetic whining moments. i love ya.

i feel so retarded. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like i'm all alone. i can't move forward i can't move back. i can't sit still i can't get up and go. i have no reason to be happy i have no reason to be sad. i just can't stop feeling like i have nothing. even though i'm so fortunate. i'm such a whiner. i hate myself. i hate this. i hate my feelings. i hate that i really can't even express the truth. i can't express anything. even though i continue to express. damn. i don't know. what the hell.

i wish i could practice what i preach. but that's just yet another problem i have in relation to my self esteem.. that, of course, it never works out when you try so hard. and it will never work out if i do that. and that is why i seperated myself from all of that crap for so long. too bad i'm still a lonely.. and whatever else girl. vicious life of mine. it comes out of nowhere. please come for a little while. come to me dammit!! it's been too long. or something.

blah blah blah. i have intense desires to just talk and express.. but i can't. i don't have it. i don't have the person. i don't. blah. blah blah blah. i keep this hope that maybe one day i will have just one person to share my thoughts with and that will be enough. for me. because they care. they care that much. and they think i have important things to say. because i know i don't.. but maybe, someone might think they are important some day. argh. i'm shutting up now.

seperate lives. seperated girls. time divided. secret? unintentionally hiding the one true choice. ownership doesn't exist. and if one girl has it, it's not you. companionship is lacking. male presence desired. condescending, owning, dominating... except you're not allowed. empty heart, i understand. but that's not the answer. lonely desires will eventually come into play full force. and collectively, we're left in the cold. deal with that. and in the mean time, back off the nonexistant power to have a trip. it hurts. but it has to.. yearning, learning, earning in the end.

my body's talking to me it says time for danger
get up, life's to quick
let's go oooouuuttt tonight
i have to gooooo
you wanna play?
let's run away
meow.

yeah. i have to get out of the home. let's go somewhere that's not here

you're sweet...
please take me out tonight. don't forsake me.
i'll let you make me out tonight

today was a day.

i was thinking about that one a lot today for some reason. just like possibilities and basically decided that since i can't like speak anymore around him, its all impossibilities. i don't what the hell is wrong with me when it comes to him because its just so unwavering. it's ridiculous. just pure attraction. ugh. it's retarded crap. i wish i knew then.. what i know now about talking and whatever. and i knew how to seperate myself more from what is being said. because i want to say it, and i'm starting to realize that aspect of fun in it with out getting hurt. but alas, i will never have another chance with that. i just hold on to this hope that maybe i can like talk to the kid without getting nervous or whatever i get.. it's ridiculous. but yeah. so that's what i was thinking about. hah.

hah, thats funny. i read college people's away messages for fun. allison's says banana joes and paul's says trivial pursuit. what a contrast. hahahha.

anyway.

tesa was talking about her sisters regretting not doing things like dances when they were in highschool. and see the thing is i have a feeling i will regret not going.. but.. first off, i try not to REGRET, i just know that i'll feel kinda like i missed out. but i don't want to feel like wow i had a crappy time. so many girls are going alone and no guys. is that a good thing or a bad thing? i don't know. maybe i'll go shopping this weekend and go from there. ?? i'm like the only person undecided it seems like. dammit why can't i just have a guy. oh yeah, that's right! i'm valerie. i'll just leave it at that for today. being nice to myself. HAH.

i hate the math crap we're doing. i need to like get help on some stuff before the test tomorrow. isn't that just lovely. i'm like so dumb. argh.

but i'm gonnna go to bed now.. or to read.. or whatever. i hate reading the crucible and having the script for dearly departed to memorize. something about it being in the past makes me want to keep it there. argh. oh welll.. i will survive. plus i have to read it to know the details.. cause i'm retarded. but yeah, how do i end up writing more and more when i say i'm going to bed? shutting up now.

oh my goodness. i got the freaking part. as much as say this to myself i have trouble grasping it. i highlighted my script, holy crap i have a lot of long lines to memorize. ah! i'm so excited! i have things to do! i have fun people to be with!!! except, of course... i have to sing on stage and kiss peter. okay all you hot guys (not peter) you have to like kiss me before i have to kiss peter.. because thats just gross and i need to have a real first kiss.. not scary stage kiss with PETER. ewe! it is like kissing my brother.. or worse. haha. ah geeeez. i'm so happy though. i needed this. i hope i can handle it and do well. yay!!!

so anyway, that was fun. i got a crappy grade on the chemistry test. lovely. i just CAN'T WAIT for my stupid grade report. ahhh!! oh well. i'm not gonna worry about it.

my free will astrology (which i got in the email twice.. hehe. liz sent it to me because she thought it was appropriate):

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I won't be surprised if you're
accused of suffering from delusions of grandeur. You yourself may even wonder whether the lofty fantasies that have been sweeping into view are over the top. But as your official Reality Checker, I assure you that while some of your wild imaginings may be too much for you to actually manifest any time soon, many of them *are* within your power to accomplish if you'll just give them time to unfold. I choose to believe that you're now experiencing *premonitions* of grandeur.

sounds good to me. i love the cast man. i love the cast. i'm sorta scared i can't like handle so much.. i want to. i will. i'll be a positive thinker for you. maybe the presence of the stick is starting to get to me.

ooo baby.

i hate my start page horoscope:

The planets are favoring relationships, and this could be a good day to spend intimate time with your romantic partner. You've been so busy lately that you could feel like your relationship has become a bit out of balance. You might want to reclaim lost ground. You'll enjoy simple activities like sharing dinner, talking, and snuggling. Use this cosmic opportunity to focus on the positive feelings that you have for your partner. You will both find it very gratifying.

argh and a half! hahahaha. so kiss me... ah! that's an annoying song. come to think of it, i'm annoying!

well today wasn't the best.. but it wasn't the worst. and from what i can tell it's ending okay.

callbacks were today. they were very nervewracking. we were all alone with mr langenhop in the tryout and he video taped it because mr. gannon wasn't there... and of course i had to go first. and OF COURSE it didn't record. but you know, that's how it always goes. it was actually kind of fun.. i don't know.. something about it.. i just love it. argh. and we were playing hangman and talking to the freshman about being involved. it was funny. siiiiigh. but they are over. so that is good. and i'm not going to think about it.

i got the eve 6 cd today from beth YAY! and my parents got me a camera!!!! yayayayayayyay!!! i can take pictures again!!! no stress!!! wooooo!!!!

it's so cold here! i'm babysitting and the lady i babysit for won't turn on the heat. it sucks. i'm freeeeezing. i really can't think of anything that i can get myself to do homework wise because i just can't! argh! i don't really have anything that i need to physically turn in tomorrow.. so it's just like i can't do anything. argh. so i'm just online.

"you know what we should do? we should have sex. for fun. yeah!" yeah... this is an exciting show. geeez.

i am SOOOOO COLD. argh! i can't even deal with it.

it was so weird to talk about like my freshman year in the comedy to the girls at callbacks. it made me feel.. old or something. ick.

man oh man. time and suspense is starting to get to me. at least i'm not like gonna vomit like earlier today. because the hardest part is over. right? right. i hope. it might be fucking hard to see mr. gannon twice tomorrow. but i brought that on myself in scheduling didn't i? heh. oh wellllll.

having things to do with people i like is very important. i hope i get the chance.

i wannna go home. and get warm! this is ridiculous.

whoopie. i'm sixteen.

today kinda sucked. i'm seriously sorry i ever said anything. and just everything. i got back a crappy spanish test. i took a really hard chem test that i did bad on and then i went to auditions. blah! selling key club carnations was fun. i'm glad i went there because i needed to do something. i'm so sick of how everything works. but life goes on. and some things never change.

my cousin is so cute. she made sure she imed me at midnight to tell me happy birthday. awe.

i'm sorry i said anything about either of you. you're great people and i'm very happy that you decided to stop by at my party. i just wish you would have stopped in and said hello. it was a shitty party, i agree. it was hilarious that you guys did that. i'm really sincerely glad that you did. sure livened my life up, and i'm glad you got a laugh out of me. because that's the reason i live my life. so that people like you can just rip on me all the time. no, i'm not cool. no, i'm not a good person. no, i'm not worthy of anyone's friendship. thanks for reminding me of that.

i hope i get to the point where i'm alone with my thoughts less of the time. i need to be busy. i need to be surrounded by people. i need to be smothered by a hot boy (jk).

i always get in this weird funk after my birthday party. i guess i just have to put so much energy into it and then it just ends. i don't know. and no ones ever happy and its just blah.

i'm sad. i'm blah. i'm sick. i'm bummed. i don't know why.

this sucks.

i feel bad because the people that would have made her happier to be there didn't care enough to come. i guess its just another homage to who cares about me and who doesn't. and why its so hard for her to remain my friend as time goes by. i'm sorry. it makes me sad that you didn't enjoy yourself. and it makes me sad that they didn't come. but i guess that was expected.

"oh dude, you should be in an awesome mood, it was a WONDERful night =)" haha. perfect timing dave.

i feel so stuck all the time. not about anything in particular. but just stuck.

my brother's friend is off of moolah beach. this makes me even sadder. "because he had too much faith in the greater good.. beyond the pacts and alliances to take down the rest. it made him a weakling. and he cried. i am sad."

i'm nervous for tomorrow and just everything in general. i can't believe its sunday of this weekend. yikes.

i need to get my temps. i think i will make an effort to do so this week.

damn this bad mood.

tonight was fun. just chillin.. woo. i'm sorry some people didn't have as much fun as others.. but i guess that's the way it has to be. i was definetly surprised by the male factor.. and that so many people came by that i didn't really think would. i know it wasn't that great of a party.. but thats what i like to do. eat, sit around with people i like, laugh and listen to music/ watch movies. and thats what i wanted to do tonight, and i think i achieved it. i wish i would have had a camera and documented all of the fun.. dave, nick, frank, aaron, and dave matt all messing around with my crazy ass dog. oi. i was very happy to see people like forni and r.c. come by.. hehe. that's fun. i can't believe we managed to listen to my brothers music for so damn long. frank. geeez. poor peter and his car :( dude where's my car? oh yeah, its in its package in a shoe box. i should break that baby out and take it for a spin. wooo can't wait. thank you all for my awesome gifts. i love them! soooo fun. nobody got me a homecoming date (at least a breathing one) but i'll live. jk. hahaha.

i can't believe chrissy and mary tp'd my house. how retarded are they. they did a pretty shitty job too. why? were you sad i didn't invite you? hah! oh yeah, i forgot, you are brainless morons that wouldn't have come anyway :) chrissy just cracks me up the way she treats the people that do crap for her alll the time. i don't, cause i don't give a shit, but leah did a year long favor and she just continually shits all over her. but whatever. that was less than effective girls :) hehehehehehehhehe. blech.

i don't know.. things are wierd. i want good things to happen more and more. times of happiness are so few and far between it seems like.. maybe someday soon i can have it for a longer and more constant time.

but some people are just great. i love you guys. i hope you know who you are.

i have asthma. i know you're shocked.

sara and brenna got me the now and then soundtrack, this makes me sooo happy.

tonight was leah's birthday party. it was a lot of fun. karaoke baby. heh heh. i suck at singing. woowee. but anyway.

i realize more and more how important some people are to me, and how awesome they really are. i'm truly thankful for everyone in my life, and all the people that bring a smile to my face. its really weird now that i get this occasional clarity that stupid things really aren't worth it in the long run.

i'm so fortunate to have you all. for different reasons each of you mean the world to me. so much to me. i wish i could grasp that more often and hold onto it. i love you.

honey. aw sugar sugar. you are my candy girl.

i'm tired of everything.

let's just have fun and games please.
i'll have a little uncomplicated loving on the side.

see... at least i know what that's unrealistic.

reality. some people grasp it and others don't. and then there's those that just deny it.

somethings aren't going to happen for me. i know this. i won't have homecoming plans. i won't have any less homework. i won't get rid of painful people.
somethings will happen for me. my days will suck. i will be negative. i will continue to be me (and all those bad connotations that surround it).

but, i will try to get through it. and i will try to have the people around me that make me feel good. i highly recommend that.

i'm in a crappy mood again. i know you're shocked. its a combination of a million thoughts that are pented up in my stomach. for you, not you. and you too. get it? hah.

i'm tired.

today was wednesday. how exciting.

i had a good amount of homework, but failed to do it. i planned out how i could put it off. wonderful huh?

this is why i refrain from computer usage early in the evening. haha. i don't even care though. somedays i just need to be online when the entire world is online as well. and talk to random ass people like gary pritts (?!) thanks leah :) and the people that are awesome and fun and make me feel okay.

i hope my weekly horoscope is true, just because i really do want to be comfortable and at ease in this next week.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This week's equinox marks the most balanced time of the year. The length of the days and nights are equal, and the possibility for human beings to be rational and objective is at a peak. Unlike the spring equinox, which launches the fiery, impulsive astrological month of Aries, the late September crux begins with Libra, the sign whose members are most skilled at creating harmony and grace. What does this all bode for you personally? First, you'll find it easier to be yourself than usual. Second, you'll feel more at home in the world. Third, you'll have cosmic assistance if you make your approach to balance feel more passionate and less likely to anesthetize you.

for some scary reason i'm slightly optimistic about the days ahead. i should be excited shouldn't i? i hope with everything i'm doing in these next few days i will be able to drop this stagnant feeling that drags me down. have some more options for fun and help me to deal with work. all work and no play needs to end. i think and hope it will. i love you.

on my walk home in the rain i decided that:

it is sexy when a guy has his own car and takes care of it.
a guy with his puppy is adorable.

what can i say, i was lonely...

i just finished a shitty paper. oh boy do i love rough drafts!

today was okay.

no school is that great.

but i tried to be in a good - ish mood today.

rc helped. HAH.

i wanna be with yooouuu...
i want you to want me
tonight i'm yours (hahahahah)

goodnight.

all i have to say is i am fat and ugly. this is fact.

also, homecoming is the devil for fat and ugly girls... actually just me. and if you're feeling the way i do, my heart goes out to you.

this is so pure by alanis morissette and it describes my dream man. yummy.
......
you from new york you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
luminous more so than most anyone
unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
......
be mine. siiiiigh.

damnit. why must i be alone. why can't i be beautiful and desired? i tried on a homecoming dress this weekend. it was pretty. it depressed me. i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know if i'm going. all of my friends will have the dates that they want. and i won't have one. i'll be depressed if i don't go as well. i keep hoping for a miracle. its so pathetic. i'm trying so hard not to think about it. like seriously i don't even want to think about tomorrow let alone 3 weeks from now (or something). it keeps popping up as the topic of conversation. and slowly i'm being left in the dust. its just frustratingly depressing. i hate this shit.

my weekend was alright. i met a lot of different people.. like adults. (wow, i wish i met some hot guy. HAH) but generally if you're under the age of like 30 and you're involved in (good) soccer you're pretty hot.. but its so not like i can even think about that kind of stuff. but yeah, that was a nice little "i'm all alone and wanting to have some fun with a guy" tangent. wait.. i didn't say that. this categorizes my life for some reason lately. like i listen to the radio or cds or something and have the corniest unrequited love songs applying to me. i seriously (oh my goodness i can't believe i'm confessing this) sat there listening to fucking mandy moore's crush song drawing comparisons to my life. UGH. I AM A LOSER. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH. hahahahaha.

sigh. need a homecoming date that will fall on the floor? ask me!

well i'm back. lets have a party. or just have some fun. call me.

well. i'm going out of town this weekend to columbus. so i most likely will not be online until sunday. at the latest i'll get home around 7pm on sunday :( so.. don't miss me too much, and don't become like different people on me in a weekend. siiigh. i don't get to chillll. hah.

i feel inundated by emotion and work. yet for the moment, emotion... a different kind, surprisingly, from my state of horror and disbelief and anger and sadness for my nation... finds me here. for some reason today i find myself searching.. more than ever... for the companionship i've never had. i don't know exactly what these thoughts and feelings mean. most likely they will pass.. and i will struggle hard so that they do. for some reason i don't want too many people around me lately.. yet there's one i long to be by my side. i guess i'm just lonely. ah, the rain, bringing with it my sentimental loneliness. i hate when i get like this. its just destructive. i will now revert to repression, and soon, poof it's gone.. right? most definetly. this makes me think of my poem of long past again. ah shit. i'm shutting up now. this will be over soon.

i feel like i should document a little bit of this day. even though it will bore any readers because you've heard it and know it.. i'm doing this just so i have it. or something.

i didn't really get a clear idea of what was going on. the first mention i heard of it was mr. gannon's very uninformed awareness of a plane crashed into one of the twin towers. he then brought up the story of planes crashing because a pilot commits suicide and the aftermath of that, a story i heard in drama the day before. i didn't get what was going on however. homeroom was the first time i got a coherent story telling.. angie told me at my locker about the two planes and the terrorists. i was very disturbed by that, and then a few more people in homeroom shared bits and pieces.. that didn't exactly come together for me.. but it helped. miss lorenz said a few things about it and of course the lovely mr. barra doing nothing but damage. but anyway, people were randomly mentioning what could happen.. and what about the draft... and what about war... and is that all... and the pentagon... all mixed together. by 6th i was pretty upset.. and wanting information, so katie and i ate our lunches and then went over to watch tv in the l-room and hardly got any information worth it besides speculation and cleveland stuff. but everyone just stared at it. some others didn't, and tried to turn it off and everything. from then on i was just a walking zombie. i just had trouble dealing with it. the first direct information i got was from mr. edwards in chemistry 9th period, and he was definetly very somber. i was so happy to see my dad in front of the school when school was out. we went home, went to the grocery store, and watched the news.

so thats a good enough of a long paragraph to recap my day. i want to express a few thoughts on everything now. sigh.

i guess i'm just more patriotic than a lot of people. or something. i was so disgusted to hear some of the things people at our school were saying. this is our country. this is freedom. this is HUGE. so much worse than pearl harbor. devastating. heart wrenching. disgusting. deplorable. sad. horrendous. unfathomable. and i would fight for what we have here. we have so much. we are so fortunate, and it is worth dying to save. fighting. so peter's comments are making me upset right now.

and this isn't something that we as a country came blame on ourselves.. or a party or a political leader... we just have to join together and support what we stand for, and show that we really are a strong country that survives and thrives and overcomes.

the people that did this are just so upsettingly twisted.. i can't even grasp it. these people trained to be these expert pilots and planned this precisely just so they could die for their terrorist group and attack innocent people. these terrorists and anyone that supports what they did deserve to die. this is so much worse than anything we've ever had to deal with, and i just pray that America retaliates. i totally agree with everything the President said tonight. those people partying in the streets deserve to die. i'm sorry, but i would NEVER, even when they do kill the people that did this, celebrate human death. they eat free pastry and drink booze while thousands and thousands and thousands of human lives are lost. i'm so upset by that. the people who did this and support this are pure evil. there's nothing to sympathize. they deserve to die. i hope we show this world that we don't tolerate. WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. WE WILL PREVAIL. JUSTICE WILL BE DONE. and i believe that. we will be stronger than ever.

i'm just so weakened by the loss we've experienced today. i'm so thankful that i still have my loved ones. i feel great pain for those who don't have my luxury. i can't even express it. i love you all. i pray for the world. God Bless America. (and now you know i'm a corny patriot.)

FIX YOUR REBLOGGER COMMENTS!!!

yay. too bad all the old ones are gone. i feel so lonely now.
right.. i feel lonely because of the damn comments. hah. what a joke. no, i feel lonely because lately i am alone.

and today was a good day. but here i go looking at the bad side of things and seeing red and getting a pit in my stomach. i just wish i could see people that make me happy more often. i just wish there were more people that make me feel good. i just wish i felt good. BAH. i fucking suck. i sit here and whine about everything and its RETARDED. i'm so fucking annoying i annoy myself. why do i even have people to talk to? i shouldn't.

why do i have this urge to pour my heart out. for some reason i hold onto the belief that someone will someday care about what i would say if i sat with them and told them everything that was buried inside. everything trivial. whatever. what the fuck am i even talking about.

i was happy today because i managed to get an A on my ion test. and they had good breadsticks for lunch.

i wonder if there will ever be a night where i won't have a night, a NIGHT of homework. i wish. i think i need some social time this week. hah. good luck to me.

no weekend fun. sigh. oh well i guess.

sometimes i just feel like i'm watching the world spin and spin without me and i'm not really necessary. and sometimes, thats a good thing to know... that you don't really matter in the world.. but for now.. it feels like crap.

and believe me i know every cliche there is imaginable about this subject. yet i am still going to use those words to describe my feelings. sometimes i just find myself wondering what really, truly matters? and what now do i really, truly care about? who should i still feel things for?

i can't even express how much i hate having things left unsaid and then everything being so smiley in person. because i fucking see you now and because you're friends with everyone. "she doesn't hate you, you're just not like her best friend or anything." i'm so glad i can count on my friends to make me want to vomit. i can't wait until shit like this isn't thrown in my face anymore. i am so sick of my damn high school full of fake smiles and empty promises.

so who really does give a shit. i'm nothing.

ah, the poet is left without recognition.. yet her gift is received.

sometimes i just need things.. people... to be tangible.. and thats so retarded but i do.

homecoming.. blah... i guess i'll go.

wow. why do i feel like crap at the moment? why am i all depressed? sick. i'm sad.. i'm annoying because even when i'm with people i am so uncooperative and make things not fun for them. and i don't even get to see them that often. i should be grasping on to every moment and holding on to them both literally and figuratively. why can't i? i'm getting scared again. i'm hurting for no reason... i'm so reverting back to things are never enough.. which isn't true, and i can be happy occasionally.. it's just not happening right this minute during this very day. damn me for not being.. i don't know.. what should i have been?

maybe the thing thats bothering me is that everyone has plans that don't really involve me tonight, which is perfectly fine.. but my damn horoscope on my damn start page won't leave me alone, and it's so cursing any fun that i could possibly have today/tonight. i hate the stupid horoscopes on my start page.. yet i read them anyway. here it is:

You should consider going to an interesting event in the evening. Maybe your favorite band is coming to town, or there is an art show, or a networking event. Don't just sit at home; get out there and party! This would be a great night to take in a creative production. You'll enjoy being in an inspiring setting around artistic people. Your mind wants to be challenged, and the deeper and philosophical the topics get, the more excited you'll become. Enjoy yourself!

i have NO PLANS. and a ton of things to worry about.. that are probably things i shouldn't worry about.. but i am. i'm so upset for no freaking tangible reason! WHY.

and of course the freaking comments are causing all kinds of errors and shit. i'm going to leave the code on for now though.. just cause i'm hoping it will soon return. bah.

tankle - a sound similar to a tinkle but louder and lower.

it's friday night and i'm feelin alright. or something...

i'm feeling alright because i took a VERY NECESSARY nap. yummy. now i can party all night long. or something.... hahah. okay enough of that.

school is like constant work. and i don't even have all the hard shit to do yet. yippee. but i don't really want to think about school right now because it's friday.

the barnstormers meeting this year was exceedingly promising... although the freshman was not a promise i enjoyed.. i like the first meeting for one reason, it get you excited, or something. although i'm not excited about stupid freshman that sit behind me and think they run the freaking club. hell no. hahah. and you all know about a certain freshman i would like to avoid that was present at the meeting. haha. scary thing was that i started to get nervous when he brought up the comedy and audtions. thats no good. no good. i really think though, that the officers and what not (karried) did a good job at being organized and getting stuff together and everything. siiiigh. :)

so i guess i'm done for now. hope you're all having a fun night.

oh yeah, i changed the colors for you aol/ibm challenged that couldn't deal with my awesome colors the first time around. i guess this is a bit more low key for a laid back girl. riiiight. reminds me of oceans :)

well this is going to be quick. not some lengthy trying to make myself feel like something i'm not thing. yeah...

today was okay. whatever. all the same. i suck at spanish the most. sick.

i got to talk to people online tonight. yay.

tomorrow i have things to look forward to, hah... self direct and barnstormers meeting.. woo. or something...

and i also have half a bag of pure delight, haribo gold-bears (the best gummi bears in the world) so i should be in a good mood.. or something... yeah.

good night. sweet dreams...

i feel like when i'm in school and i have school days and nights i revert into this lack of emotion.. lack of happiness.. lack of being social...

i spend time with people i love to death, but not all of them.. and that kills. where are you guys? i miss you! hah. i wish i could bottle that pure joy i feel and keep it with me all week. i can't. dammit.

it's emptiness. i feel all alone for most of the day.

i feel so fat. i think i'm gaining and gaining and gaining weight.

geez.. why am i the only one online now? i didn't even get to talk to anyone online. what is wrong with my life!?

i could just keep this up for every freaking day we have school.. cause it pretty much sums up my excitement. blah.

oh baby hollywood showdown is on... where are you all? BOX OFFICE! waaaaah.. hah, no, i'm not that bad. remember, lack of emotion... yeah. woo! i'm ending this now. i have day 2 of getting up way early because my dad's a prick.

for some reason i haven't posted.. blah.

on sunday i visited with my aunt and uncle and held their new baby and then liz goodman and karrie slept over (and heather came over for a bit too!) and we basically sat online and scrapbooked... which is pretty damn lame, but i think we had a blast anyway. dave stopped by at like sometime in the early afternoon and karrie and i were still in our pjs... my lovely maroon and pink ensemble will be forever remembered. but that was fun, yet weird cause my dad was all like we're leaving for staples right this minute. bah. so i got some crap and crap.... hah. my day is soo boring. i did some homework.. ALFONSO HAS NOT EMAILED ME BACK! :( and i got a new purse.

i don't know.. this is retarded. i don't know what i think about anything anymore. i guess that means its time to stop. i'm tired.. and blah. i have to get up even earlier tomorrow.. hopefully i will have an email from alfonso in the morning.. BAH!

and on a lighter note, leah shared with me "spoon" in her language = spoon.

well i had a good night.

scary man with wife hits on dave. amy IS the boonies. michael banks, the drug addict extraordinaire.

something about you leaves me with a smile. i'm very fond of that. thank you.

siiigh.

we lost 52-0. i'm shocked. hah.

i forgot to mention my dire need for postcards... if you are somewhere that has them and you have the desire to buy me one, i will be the happiest girl (at least for a little while). i need lots. haha.

so i'm here. and crap. i guess i'm not babysitting. who knows. i just remembered i need to scrapbook eventually.. sigh. i was thinking about going to read for fun now. so maybe that is what i will do. but, give me a call.. hahah.

i missed a day, which is a pretty strange phenomenon which i'm SURE will be more frequent as all my hard ass classes get going.. and hopefully more FUN stuff will get started. like barnstormers. i haven't ever "missed" barnstormers like this.. damn, i must be in trouble.. i better have a good year. i hope.

so tonight was the football game, which i stayed for half of, because a "tornado" caused a huge panic and scary terror struck everyone.. it was really freaky. its hard to put into words, but alas, we left early. i'm sure we lost anyway.

school has been a lot. a lot of work.. a lot of walking.. a lot of going.. a lot of seeing strange people.. a lot of stress.

but i think things are going to be better. i've got optimism going on because its friday night and i'm tired and don't have school tomorrow. and i actually get to see good people tomorrow. which excites me. so i will make you all proud. hah.

i wonder what people think of the vague things i say. i guess i assume that if they're meant to understand they will, and that makes them a good person for me to have as a friend. but i know that there's sooo many completely viable reasons to misinterpret the things i say vaguely because i don't like to come out and say things.. like that.. but yeah! i'm sure that made no sense! i'll stop the babble now.. just because it is becoming babble, although that made sense to me.. in my head.. ohhh geeez. i'm going crazy. no more thinking for now.

i love you all.. and we can all get through this together. right?