I'm home!
I went to a wedding yesterday!
Thanksgiving was way good!

FAT.

This color scheme is growing on me... I need to fix a few things... but yeah, UGH. My cousin's going out without me again tonight. Last time I was exhausted and didn't want to go, but this time I want to and can't. More useless time 3 hours away. And everyone's home. UGH! Driving me crrrazy.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION... I made a mess and I'm too lazy to clean it up right now.. try to ignore it.

It's Day 5. Hooray. Yesterday was also a lot of fun. It was nice to be comfortable with the city and stuff from the get go as we ventured out into Boston once again. We saw Harvard, went to H&M, walked around streets bunches, and went to Boston College. Wooweee. Get me out of there.

It was like the freaking twilight zone. People like that actually do exist? SCARY. I'm really glad I went there because it was an intense picture of what I DON'T WANT!!! AHH!!! yeah. And it made BU seem 4 million times cooler. I like BU a lot more after going to BC and see the freaking scariest other planet ever. haha.

This makes everything MUCH clearer. I probably could only apply to 2 schools right now. I guess I just need to decide what I want to do.

The store H&M is fucking cool man. Yeah. It was cooler than Forever 21 I think... similar but bigger and better and more variety. SO nice.

We left Boston to come home and spent over 3 hours in stop and go traffic. So it's 9pm and we haven't even started our 8 hour drive home. Ugh. AND THEN it starts snowing. We stopped to get gas at 1am (3 hours from destination) and almost run into a poll. It was scary. So, we resorted to staying at the Days Inn nearby. It was nice... so we got to Buffalo before noon today, and here I am. In New York still... and I'll be here until tomorrow. I'm bummed because it means I miss the parade on TV. I know, I'm a big dork. I also just want to be home already... just because I'm doing nothing here except being away from home longer than I expected to be. Oh well!

I have a crap load of stuff to do this break.. plus I want to have some kick ass amounts of fun as well.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... why must I fucking fuck myself over in the fucking brain lately? Ah, fuck!

Hehe... now that the swearing is out of my system... a little... here goes.

It's Day 3 of the adventure, and great deals of fun I am having. Today was awesome. Boston is awesome. I was extremely uptight and anxious and frightened about today... but all is going very well. I really liked BU. Except, the woman at the info session pissed me off a little bit and I'm sure I'll find everywhere else that I apply that it's too fucking expensive. Believe it or not, also, I'm not so caught up in my ridiculous intellect (if I even have that) so fitting in in the smart ass school may be painful to my own personal self image. Yeah. Or something. Anyhow.

I um, yeah. OH! I had so much fun with Meredith today. And her roommate is really cool and so is Dan's friend, yeah, that was goofy, Dan Ott decided to come to Boston also. Yeah... fun times. Boston is crazy man, crazy.

Ah! computers suck! Yeah!

So, back to the whole fuck fuck fuck thing... my mind on this whole what the hell am I doing with my life, in all realms, is going crazy. I just can't handle it anymore. Why isn't anything clear to me. And what, exactly, do I want. I know I'm not going to figure out what I want on the whole college thing, I've accepted that... but... why can't I decide what I want in the boy problem central. Haha, and why can't I coherently form a thought into a statement? Ugh.

Problem is my cousin is questioning me, unintentionally, on the whole "crush" bull shit. Just because I'm strange about some guys... and that gets me thinking. What does that even fucking mean... crush... ugh. And so this line of thought complicates even more the whole thing on Friday. AND, my conversations from afar the past few days have also complicated things. How much, I don't know.

So basically, I am fucked up. And I am so freaking confused about the crush deal. Yay Boston though!

Ah, the realizations that come when one's away are starting. To be away and alone with my thoughts on Day 1 of my adventure.

Today was... long. And it still goes on. And I'm still going on that 4 hours of sleep I got "last night".

I love to see my family, aunts and uncles and grandmother. However, with seeing them, nowadays, I get put on the set of a talk show and it's a mild inquisition with kind faces doing the questioning. College and the future and school have been fun topics let me tell ya. And I haven't even gone to look at the colleges I'm going to look at yet! Hah.

I got to see my cousin's hockey game, eat some bagels, have a Boost drink, and TALK. Oooh, today I went shopping with my cousin and her friends. They have a really impressive mall... crazy huge and has some awesome stores. It was nice to see clothes I liked outside of the normal crap department stores and Gap and Lerner... this huge store, Forever 21 was a dream store. I wish I was the type who spent money... and bought things that are really cute on me just because I wanted to. Alas, I am not. But I bought a very practical white button up shirt for STARS and all those other times I need one. It's really cute though. I might even wear it because I want to, not because I have to! Wow!

OH man, my family (you know, the strange blob of relatives that have ended up in Buffalo) went out to eat tonight and it was the most amazing feat of frustration EVER. My aunt decides we should go to Bennigans, no problem. We get there, there's a 45min to an hour wait. So... we're starving but we agree that we might as well wait. My cousins and I go to Dick's to kill some time, get back, and they have not seated us yet. We wait a half hour more...To cut to the chase, we wait an hour and a half for a table. And then the waitress gives the large table to another group that came well after us. My uncle is fuming, he talks to the manager and the manager tells him that one of the women in our party told the hostess that we were in no hurry! haha! Of course, that was bull. So we leave. They basically skipped over us on the list but deny it. Ugh. 90 minutes, wasted, and we're starving. So we decide to screw it and we go to Wendys.

DISCLAIMER: I still love Wendys. In no way does the following affect my love for Dave and his brainchild... don't beat me up :)

So we get into Wendys and get into the line. We're in line for close to 30 MINUTES. Wendys is FAST food? Yeah. The people working there are moving ridiculously slow and no one is getting what they ordered. So finally we get up there, and they have no salads besides one madarin chicken. I was going to order a side salad. But they didn't have any... so I ordered other crap and we all did. They messed up the order and it took us some time to sort it out. Meanwhile, the man that got his food before us, brings his burger up to the counter and there was literally a bug inside the wrapper of his burger when he opened it. Wonderful. We get our food anyway, although one of my aunts and one of my cousins decide not to order what they originally planned... and we start eating. My cousin got that chicken salad and her salad "had to take a leak" becase it was full of water at the bottom. Oh, what a pleasant night out to eat. Not too mention the sticky floor and seats... but that's besides the point.

So that was exciting.

And now, after all of that, I'm here. Sleepy but awake. It is Saturday afterall. Hah.

Well, I play too much. I don't know... what is going on. Clarity... why have you foresaken me? I guess it's coming in bits and pieces... but it's frightening me a bit. We shall see. I need to back off a bit. Yeah. No more everytime I come online I am able to talk to certan people. I won't be online for a while me thinks anyway. YEAH! Or... sad.. who knows.

I miss you all already... not because I'm gone now... but because... missing you is like, easy.

Ugh. So... packing is a bitch. I hate it. I always pack incorrectly... too much usually and I never want to have too much luggage but then I have to much shit to fit in the little amount of luggage... oh it sucks. Why must this start in such a negative way... I need positivity. I need no regrets. Dammit! It will come.

To Kill A Mockingbird at Beachwood High School was an interesting thing. I try to see it in perspective, we think we're awesome because people tell us this but really we're just another shitty high school putting on a quality show every now and then. I do think however, that our talents within the people of our club are quite high, and we are quite diverse. This being said, BHS's production was not so impressive. There was a deaf girl playing Mayella which was very good. She was quite talented... but... it was hard to believe in the play's context. About 3 of the other characters were well acted: Calpurnia, Bob Ewell and Scout. I preferred Kathy and Emma of course though... it's just strange to see a show that you just did with people you love. They were dependent upon mics and it went slowly... I guess the intensity was deafened by the strange stage they have there or something. Hey, Heck Tate was cute though... Bob Ewell wasn't so bad either. They were probably Jewish too. And we all know how I feel about that. Overall it was enjoyable, and of course the company was good... yay Barnstormers... the whole 14 of us that went.

Conversations were interesting. Yeah.

I think I'm feeling better on the whole fucking with my head and playing with fire and problem stuff. A slight bit of clarification within, with the help of my trusty friends, has made the view a bit clearer. Less confusion...

Yeah, so bed would be good since I have to be up in 4 hours. UGH.

Wow, everything is fucking with my mind lately. Literally, I do this to myself and it's insane. Playing with fire... yeah. That definitely sums things up for me.

Mmm... I just love boys. It's a problem. Or not a problem. What's going on? Who knows. I'm having a good time though.

So... school still sucks. I am so sick of Calculus. But, I guess I made a little progress talking to Mr. Altiere today... except he's impossible to talk to. And he had on his goofy glasses and he's such a little prick. I am not a fan of monkey math man.

I wish I had some clarity of mind. But, alas, I'm going to Boston this week and I have a 9 day break... that's pretty nice. I need to look at the brighter side of these things. I'm so skeptical within that it makes me want to puke. I need to work on that.

Ah, the battles between getting crap together and finished and having a not too horrible time doing it.

Goals for this break:
Finish college applications
Get homework done
Have fun

So, I leave for Buffalo tomorrow in the very early morning, and Sunday I leave there for Boston. I should be back in Lakewood by Wednesday, if all goes well.

Tonight, I get to go see another high school perform To Kill A Mockingbird. Should be interesting. I hope I have fun.

Until next time...

Good news:
-The tryouts for the Laramie Project have been changed to Dec. 2, after break, after Boston... yay!
-The Laramie Project is amazing. I read it yesterday. Woo boy.
- I got my pictures back of the play, and the cast party, and they're awesome... yay me and Chris!
-I'm wearing warm clothes
-I'm drinking Lemonade Iced Tea
-I can go to 3rd period self direct for once tomorrow

Bad news:
-FAILED the physics test I got back today
-have a calculus test tomorrow (it will be hard)
-I should be writing the English paper that's due tomorrow instead of writing this
-I still need to do all of my application nonsense
-I get really sick of smart kids
-Chris doesn't want me. Eric doesn't want me... woe is me.
-I STILL HAVE A FREAKING COLD!!! WHY AM I STILL SICK!? AHH!!!

Well, I'm back from a lovely trip to OSU. It was actually a lot of fun. I like the school a lot more than I thought I would. I'll probably end up there... not so bad really. But I'm not giving up all hope just yet.

A great day with Stacey, Matt Gallovic, and Chris Varano was full of the same exact information being told to us over and over. I met a very nice man, Brian, in the Honors & Scholars House. He was very hilarious... and yes, I make friends with all the gay men. Make fun of me all you want. After being at the Kuhn house (pronouced "coon"... just so you know) we went on a tour of Morrill Tower where Jana lives. They took us to a room and guess who's room it was? The Bubnicks! It was picture perfect, complete with giggling girls wearing the same outfit... hey, we're twins! Then we went to Jana's room. Yeah. More walking around campus, I bought a sweatshirt, and I got wet... by rain. You dirty minds. Then, eventually, we ate at a funny pizza place with a much older man with an ecclectic accent who supposedly, was hitting on me. But I did question the cleanliness of his establishment after he claimed Cleveland was dirtier than Columbus. So, he tried to kick me out. Needless to say, it was an amusing encounter. Jana's improv show was HILARIOUS. I was sooo impressed with them, they were way good! I hate improv, I can't even imagine doing that. Woo, go Talking Monkeys. The performance brought many a Lakewood kid into the same room. Kevin Snortland, Megan McCrae, Mary Theobald, Jana, Kim, Dave, Csilla, Rachel, me, Stacey... it was very strange. We went to Steak and Shake afterwards, and I had a nice Jr. Chocolate Shake. The walk to the party was way exciting... or something... and the party started off a little boring. However, I got to talking to some of the now a bit drunk Monkey boys and they were very fun. Brian (another one!... a Talking Monkey) was very enjoyable, and he remembered my name! We had a dance party to the worst dancing music possible. I was so tired. Waking up at 5:20am and going to bed at 3am does not work so well. It was a long and exciting day. Yeah.

Soo... yeah. I'm getting sick of my recounting of what happened entries. They're quite annoying. I guess I just don't have much else to point out... since when I'm so freaking busy and going going going, I don't think. Haha. No thought proccess for me. Hah.

I hope I see some of my boys tonight. At least one. Maybe. If I even go out! Yay!

Swooooosh... today was mood swing day! Hooray!

It started out, dull.. Key Club, sort of a neutral mood.
That lasted through 3rd, which involved serious psychology talk, government stressed work, and secretary to Mr. Gannon.

4th period was excitement, talking to Eric woohoo. In my scrub clothes, I sat there discussing all of the boy's outfits at our lunch thing. It sucked in there because they took away practically all of the couches in the LRoom due to a school clean up type deal.

5th period was quite interesting because it started out sucking, with bitchy choir kids with their robes, and FRUSTRATION, and thennnnn it was fun because I got to take fabulous pictures with everyone awesome like, CHRIS, and Peter and Liz and Katy and yay! It was fun. And thennnn... I got to stare at Chris and bother him and that was fun.

Then, because I was in such and upbeat mood at the end of 5th, I had enough energy and fun to last me through 7th! It was quite the feat to go through both AP Physics and AP Calculus with a positive attitude.

And then the whole Barnstormers meeting and talking to Mr. Gannon was a bit of a rollercoaster as well. I was crying about auditions. Ugh, it sucks so bad. I hope I can try out on Friday. Siiigh.

Anyhow, my loves, stay beautiful.

Ugh, my head is so fucked over. I'm in a depressive down swing of my mood due to some depressing news as of late. I asked Mr. Gannon when auditions would be for the show, and he said probably the Monday before Thanksgiving. This happens to be the date of my planned trip to Boston. I'm so upset. I have to figure it out... and yeah, I guess I just have to wait until he finalizes that.

I'm so lost in the amount of commitments and assignments I need to complete. I have to apply to college. I have to catch up on all of this random work I'm supposed to have done. I need to deal with myself as a person. I have to go to Boston. I have to live and breath and everything. I'm floating in a pool of this shit and all I really want to do is laugh and relax and take some time to be myself.

And then there's the further complications that come with my confused emotional self. I want to have someone. In a different way, and there's all of these boys that I could pursue, and probably get turned down. Anyhow, my deep feelings are ones that I wish to ignore, and I hate myself for having. I don't know what's going on with me. I hope it's just a passing fad. Why can't it just be an easy thing for once. One of you just say, Valerie, I love you. It would be great. But then again, if the one that says that isn't the right one, will I constantly be lost once more? I hate this! Why must I complicate things for myself?

Sigh. I think I shall sleep... perchance to dream.

I need a really good hug.

Well hello there.

Hell week was hell... but now it's Sunday after the show and I'm in recovery.

The worst part is that it all flashes past you in a big blur at some point and then you're done. Woooosh. Dress rehearsals were sometimes frustrating... for numerous reasons, but by Thursday we pulled ourselves together. It felt so good to be out in front of an audience. I have so much fun. I don't even know how to describe how much I love to do this. Sigh.

I got more and more sick as the performances went by, and the projects upon projects were an added plus. But it was so much fun. The skirts on Friday were so nice... yay us.

I missed Eric so much on Thursday! I had Dan Caja to keep me company, but it wasn't helping me too much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Man, I was so elated to see him on Friday. He didn't come to my play though! Sigh. Oh well I guess.

Saturday was so fun, woo Saturday of the show, woo. Liz and I were crazy. We still are crazy but, Aubrey wanted to know what I was on... so it's just the way it is. We made awesome bags though. Go us! I was so sick for that performance though, woowee. I sucked. And that is something my fellow cast members liked to remind me. I'm sorry I sucked. Oh well I guess. "It's over now". Ugh.

The cast party was so fun. I love Chris Bindel. Yay, cast parties. I had so much fun! lol. Have I said fun at all in this entry? Really! I have?! NO WAY!

I am having major male issues. I want one. Come to me. One of you. Why not?

My voice is gone. Yay.

I had a wonderful time with Margaret today at STARS. Yay me being a bitch. It's so fun.

So my philosophy on girl's having gay best friends has expanded into something great this weekend.

Girl's want a guy to think they're beautiful. Gay guys think all females are beautiful because they are female, and they get jealous of stuff like that. Girls feel beautiful when they're with people who think they're beautiful and thus, gay guys are great best friends. Nonconventionally attractive girls are very attractive to gay guys because odds are they have big boobs or something very feminine about them. Also, they like girls who are bitchy. Above all, they have an amazing respect for women. Thus, the gay best friend is ideal.

I know there are always exceptions and I'm sure there are many. I'm not trying to stereotype or anything, I'm just collecting the data that I have put in front of me. For example, Nic Damore, need I say more?

Well it has been way fun to write on here again. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

I am in great turmoil over this male issue again. Why must I want to have one? It ruins everything.

Perhaps I should post once and a while. Ugh.

I've had the worst week imaginable... but as Goody says, it's all over now, and it's a brand new quarter. I got a less than desirable grade in Calculus this quarter due to a "dropping the ball" incident in which I got a very bad grade on a very bad test. But enough of this. I hate the classes I'm in right now, but hopefully I will be a bit more positive come Monday.

My sister just opened the door behind me and it's FREEEZING. It feels like Holidays already.

Here's what I can't believe.... HELL WEEK IS THIS WEEK! What the hell? It just creeps up and it's like BOO! Got ya!

Speaking of Boo, I went trick or treating for one last hoorah. We went as crayons! It was really cute, I'm excited that we did it. I was a purple crayon, used no less. We got plenty of candy for my liking, so all is well.

I saw Much Ado About Nothing this Wednesday with my English class (minus bandos :(). It was the third time I have seen Much Ado About Nothing which is kind of strange to me, because I'm not exactly well versed in Shakespeare or theatre. But it was very good, and it was very nice to know the story and such. Jay Kim, Jimmy Helms, and Kevin Kelly were in it... ooo I feel like such a cool theatre kid now.

Magnificat was Tuesday, and it was the longest day of my life.... or something, but it was a good time. Got to school at 7am and got home at 9pm. YEAH! The pasta was good, and Nick did probably THE funniest thing I have experienced all week... man.

Last night I went to a fun Marching Band concert, which I enjoyed muchly. My dying screaming was less than desirable but I had to scream for my peeps! Oh geez.

I got to sleep in for the first time since the beginning of the school year, it's absolutely ridiculous. I did way too many things this quarter. I'm exhausted! And guess what, I still need to apply to college. YAY.

So... yeah. I guess that's enough of this randomly spouted event telling... sorry for my stupidity.