All I can really say right now is that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I love you sooo much!!!

I'm in a bit of better spirits as of today... so that's a plus.

Yesterday I had this incredible rush from STEALING BACK MY RENT CD!!!! At last! Victory is mine! So awesome wooooo.

I saw Chicago yesterday too. Boy was it good. Entertainment at it's best I would say. And fuck yeah Mr. Cellophane.

I say the "f-bomb" quite a bit as of late. I guess I should work on it. I say it like it's nothing because I don't really equate it to much of anything but... some people do. So says Mr. Jason Braves Fuller, "If that means nothing to you, than what DOES?" I guess I could claim I'm looking out for the betterment of mankind by desensitizing such a supposedly awful word... but really, I'm just ho trash. I smile like a saint and curse like a sailor...

I had a intellectual and thought provoking conversation with Jake last night. It was way nice. So many of the people I am around each and every day I feel are these amazingly complex and beautiful human beings that I just wish I could spend those mundane moments having quality brain stimulating conversation that is very much plausible with each and every one of my friends. By the same token, my brain can be made a runaway scary train by such conversations... so maybe it's good that they're a very rare treat when they do arrive. Haha.

Greer also added to my abyss of curiosity in my brain as she brought up some interesting stuff about friendships in America and what not. Who's for real? Are those that are not for real worth my time EVER? And if not, why do I still waste time talking to them? And if you're not for real, but I want you to be, that's even worse! AH! Crazy.

And now I will return to the land of not thinking. Ignorance is bliss... PUKE!

I'm upset but I know I have no right to be.

Maybe I have a little right, but not toooo much.

I'm an unattractive human being. This I know. Especially in my strange mental state of yesterday. I wasn't giving anything of what people want to be around. I'm just... ugh. I don't know what the hell was going on with me. Yet I guess I just hold onto the notion that people that are truly my friend will allow me to have those shit moments and stick around regardless. Like Greg and Margaret! Sheesh!

I feel really bad about Greg. I must not think so negatively about strong personalities because I'm one myself. I really do love him.

Anyway. I'm not ever going to be her. I'm not ever going to give you what she gives you, gave you. I just can't do it. I tried for a bit a while ago... and maybe that's why we're where we are in the first place, and if that's the case, then it's not going to work out. That's not who I am. I just wonder how it came up again without that. Ugh. But, I'm going to shut of my brain on this issue for the moment because I'm not letting myself take anything too far. I hope you had a good time despite me.

Dude, Heather, that Parker and Amy story is pretty hot and steamy. Wooboy.

"nothing good is ever easy, and if you never risk anything you can't ever gain anything either" girls suck

my lack of intelligent thought is bugging me. i'm not using caps on this one because it's a statement. i'm making a statement. a statement? how? well, i'll tell ya, it's a statement about my laziness and it's detrimental effects upon my disposition. i'm a thoughtless creature. still floating guess... floating without and capital letters. pathetic really.

brain needs to turn back on. let's get going brain! you can do it! put your back into it! (this is a perfect example of the crap mind state).

i'm seeing lakewood project tonight. "scene" has a pretty negative preview to it... but i know it'll rock. no problem.

cold. puke.

i'm jealous of meaning. i'm jealous of drive. i'm jealous of passion.

So much grief I get for not posting... ugh. Sucks for me.

I really did try to leave a note before I went to Florida but stupid blog didn't post it. Yeah.

Florida was a much needed break. I got sleep... even though my pull out couch was PAINFUL. I got some sun... lots of wind and cold, but sun. It was nice to be out and about somewhere other than here. I was able to clear my head... a much needed clearing of CRAP. All the strange mind games that I was playing ceased to exist in the land of supposed sunshine. YAY!

Disney does run the world. And Florida isn't the ideal vacation spot... especially NOT ORLANDO. I just felt the culture wash of America. Brainwash... spend money... watch Disney... eat our expensive food... have a magical evening... soooo much.

Vacation=relaxation not scary tourist herding. BUT, who can deny the enjoyment recieved from some quality Disney magic. I was awed by it many a moment in Orlando, so I guess I gladly participated in it. Such is life.

Home is... home. Fast, stress, work, people, friends, yay, tests, drama, play, no sleep, bullshitting, my brother!, my bed... and such is home!

I am babbling... and tired... so I'll make like Chris Bindel and sleep. Or maybe I'll really be him and just say I'm tired but never sleep... I think I'll just sleep. I love ya Chris!

I'm floating.

I don't know why I see floating as such a fitting description... I just do. I feel this overwhelming lack of reality and grasp on all that there is, and I'm floating.

I was talking today... and saying fuck in very interesting ways... but that's besides the point, but in all, I realized how much I truly am clueless. I guess I just rule it out if I don't know enough about it. I just kind of brush it aside, scare it away... do everything in my power to make it unbearably impossible to move past my self imposed barriers.

Philosophy and experience do not go hand in hand. They're distant entities, and I know this all too well. My experience with ridiculous philosophy has cornered me into a realization that, I can't rely on my independent thoughts at all moments of the day. It's not probable. I cannot analyze and reap anything of merit once I reach that point where it's impossible to analyze anymore.

I know all of this. I think about all of this. I floatingly babble about alllll of this. But what do I do? Wallow in it. Sleep on it. Ignore it.

FUCK IT.

If I could say I felt depressed right now, I would. I guess I'm just kind of apathetically dissappointed. I'm finally a defeatist I guess. See, perfect, "I guess" she says. I resign to my abilities because I'm tired. I don't care anymore.

I want to feel but I don't because I'm too busy floating. And now, I'm a giggly mess of confusion and self nothing... no, no self pity here... just self nothing. Literally. Who am I? Beats me, but I'm sure as hell floating.

Dude, wouldn't it be sweet if the trippiness of this entry was drug induced? Nah, it's too easy. Let's just except the spued nothing of me, the nothing, the floater...

FUCK IT. She lets herself be crazy... aren't you jealous?

Today is quite possibly a hibernation day for Valerie.

As if I'm not an asshole enough... :)

Happy New Year and all that jazz :)

I had an awesome time at RCs... after the boringness went away, it was way fun.

So yeah, here we are... another year gone by, and my goodness, it's already 4 days into the year, and only today and tomorrow to not have to go to school. Wooo. Break flew by, and I didn't get enough productive junk done, but I haven't been trying too hard.

Time to reflect? For a second:

2002 was a great year. I had one of my best summers ever... To Kill, Anything Goes, Boy Meets Girl... Sweetwater Landing woohoo... class of 2002 graduated, went to college... I finished all my college application crap... I became VP of Key Club, Treasurer of Barnstormers and Manager of Mixed... I made Mixed! I made musical! Got Gannon to go on a Senior-only wagon on the hayride (hellllyeah)... I went to Boston!... just so much good stuff. Thank you so much, everyone, you made this past year great for me. Your friendships... even if I fade into the abyss lately, are irreplacable to me.

2003. Resolutions... :)
1. Graduate. (My graduation party is June 28th by the way)
2. How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up...
3. Get off my lazy ass and do stuff.
4. Make money at my respective job.
5. Learn to drive a car and be able to do it legally on my own.
6. Read books because I WANT to read them.
7. Have a kick ass time in the last months of high school.
8. Have a good time in college. (Ahhh scary!)