I had a nice day today.

Tryouts for the play were... interesting... who the fuck knows as usual. I hate callbacks, I don't want to go to them if there are some. boo hiss boo.

I actually talked to Ned about homecoming so that was good stuff. I finished my homework for all of my classes for the most part (more complete than usual at least) and yeah.

I guess I'm just in good mood or something.

My brother won his soccer game. Yay!

I have too much fun doing the stupidest things in the most boring classes. It's the way to go.

A full day = a happy day.

Right now is a moment that I wish I knew how to drive. I have errands. Boo.

Last night, I fell asleep from 6:30-9:30.... yeah smooth move. So, needless to say, I didn't go out last night. However, I was able to talk to Anni... so that's a plus. I proceeded to go to bed at midnight, and that was my night. Oh, I had to scare Mr. Snyder as well... I felt really bad about the whole situation. Alls well that ends well.

I guess I'm a really bad person in many different ways. I fucked some stuff up I guess. I'm just torn between loyalties and annoyances I guess. It all just sucks a whole lot, and everyone can hate me for it, no problem.

Today is Tom and Mark's last day at work... I really want to go visit them. I'm so sad! Don't go Polish boys! Work will suck even more with out them. dammit.

I need to go to the bank as well. I need to go shopping today. I hope we're actually going cause that would be nice.

At this precise moment I feel like all the world just puts up with me cause they have to. That's the worst feeling in the world.

I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a child. I'm a mother.

So I thought my comments weren't around, but alas, they are. I see the light once more.

Good times with Beth, Mary, Jenny, and Jenny's boyfriend last night. Woo. Free chicken fingers all the way.

And today, good times at work... or something.

Highlight of the day: Sean had no clue what my name was. He has worked in the kitchen for about a month or so now, and I address him as Sean... you'd think we'd be on a first name basis. Or not. He calls me Lil Mama or Baby Girl, so he had no clue I was Valerie. haha! He also told me that "shake your booty, take your clothes off" is the American way. YEAH!

The lack of capitilization is coming up again... I shall fight it dammit. I WILL CAPITILIZE. Yeah. No yelling though.

I have such a blast in school, as I cringe my way through the day, my being high comes to me easily. It's sweet. Yay for ZIPLOC BAGS!!! Man, I love those kids. Hilarious.

"Valerie and Eric....................................... are going to be the captains" - Mrs. Schafer. HAHAHAHA!

So that's my upbeat, positivity for the day.

Oh, I played Ultimate Frisbee very sparingly today. Way fun or something. Actually, it is fun. It was nice to see Josh and Emily today, also.

sigh of relief. homecoming here i come... i must now shop. shucks! haha.

i had a cake with my family today... blew out all of my candles. go me.

i can't help but feel bitter about people not giving a shit. how annoying. it's a problem i have.

so i'm free friday night and saturday night, woo woo. party hardy time. or something.

well this is sufficient. see y'all later.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "Seek moderation in all things" is
usually a sound principle, but in the coming weeks it won't be for you Libras. You'll have a cosmic mandate to replace it with "More is always better" or "Only too much is enough." It'll be your sacred duty to pursue extravagance that might be self- indulgent at any other time. I'll even go so far as to say that it will be a sin for you *not* to stir up as many fun exploits and joyous liberations as possible. That's why I suggest that you tell four different people four different dates for the anniversary of your coming into the world -- say September 28, October 4, October 11, and October 18. Then throw yourself a birthday party on each of those days.

Bah.

Today I received:

a decorated locker :)... i was about to cry when i saw it!
a serenade
4 hugs
2 90210 CDs
4 cards
a federalism layer cake
a phone call which i missed
and many nice words.

thank you.

mmm... wonderful night.

anni: aladdins, lots of talking fun...
ned, bryan, gillian, ?, anne?, anni: caribou for some bathroom fun...
ned, bryan, beth: car fun! HAHAHAHAH!!!!...
ned, bryan, beth, leah, buncha ?, scott: my friends fun...
me: home fun!

Yeah.

mmmm... ;)

I had an overwhelmingly fun night at the Hay Ride. Man.

The car ride was kick ass... although, the ride there I was suffocating upon my own psuedo-depression.

It is so strange to be a senior, and a Barnstormers officer at that. The feeling of being the only one's left comes about when you stand at the Hay Ride, "in charge", and look around... and see all those Barnstormers staples have been whittled down to the current officers plus a few. We're being the screaming seniors, yelling about seniority and telling freshman they can't eat now and can't sit there. It's so strange. So, so strange.

We had a senior wagon and an everybody else mobile. Mr. Gannon came on the senior wagon... we talked him into leaving the underclassmen behind! Go us! The 5 of us are unstoppable. We took a billion pictures of the 5 of us too... we stole the salt and vinegar chips, and some dr. pepper... but it wasn't as big of a deal this year. I don't know, tradition type things don't seem as good as they did in years past. Maybe it's just the perspective.

We all, the whole group of us, rolled down the hill. That was great, although I'm sure we're all still suffering from the little scratches all over our bodies. We did the Drama class game where we say something interesting about ourselves, but it took forever so it got annoying. But, I know lots o stuff about everyone. The theatre games went pretty well, because, we had a bag with everyone's names in it and "forced" people to give it a try. It keeps things moving.

The ride back to our cars in the wagon was sweet. We decided we needed a sing a long, so it began with a song from The Little Mermaid, Somewhere over the Rainbow (hint, hint), Anything Goes, King & I, and then Camelot. It was like a perfect nutshell.

The car ride home was more singalong... and then Motorcycle Driveby which tore me into a million pieces. Holy crap... it just all hit me at that chorus, it's ending... it's gone... I'm here... this is it. Wow. Yeah. And we sang some Bohemian Rhapsody on the way into the LHS drive... oh baby was that a good time.

I've decided that we need to make this year kick ass. Make some traditions... make the old ones new again... keep the energy up... and make it worth another year. We're the seniors now... I don't even know how to live up to that expectation.

The Anything Goes directors did not even get cards last year. This is horrible.

I'm sad, happy, excited, and scared. Holy crap, here we goooo....

Nicknames of U.S. State Residents (Reference)

Alabama- Alabamian, Alabaman
Alaska- Alaskan
Arizona- Arizonan, Arizonian
Arkansas- Arkansan
California- Californian
Colorado- Coloradan, Coloradoan
Connecticut- Nutmegger
Delaware- Delawarean
Florida- Floridian, Floridan
Georgia- Georgian
Hawaii- Hawaiian
Idaho- Idahoan
Illinois- Illinoisan
Indiana- Indianan, Indianian
Iowa- Iowan
Kansas- Kansan
Kentucky- Kentuckian
Louisiana- Louisianan, Louisianian
Maine- Mainer
Maryland- Marylander
Massachusetts- Bay Stater
Michigan- Michigander, Michiganite
Minnesota- Minnesotan
Mississippi- Mississippian
Missouri- Missourian
Montana- Montanan
Nebraska- Nebraskan
Nevada- Nevadan, Nevadian
New Hampshire- New Hampshirite
New Jersey- New Jerseyite, New Jerseyan
New Mexico- New Mexican
New York- New Yorker
North Carolina- North Carolinian
North Dakota- North Dakotan
Ohio- Ohioan
Oklahoma- Oklahoman
Oregon- Oregonian
Pennsylvania- Pennsylvanian
Rhode Island- Rhode Islanders
South Carolina- South Carolinian
South Dakota- South Dakotan
Tennessee- Tennessean, Tennesseean
Texas- Texan
Utah- Utahan, Utahn
Vermont- Vermonter
Virginia- Virginian
Washington- Washingtonian
West Virginia- West Virginian
Wisconsin- Wisconsinite
Wyoming- Wyomingite

Sicky, sicky today.

I've sneezed many many many times. It's always nice to call even more attention to yourself. Really, it is. Especially when it involves something gross like snot. Uncontrollable snot. Boo.

Homecoming sucks. The play will be quite interesting... I desperately desire to sleep and sleep forever. This, I should not be doing. I should do some of my physics lab. Leaving... I am....

Oh, I love Jana.

I love how I have shitloads of homework to be doing but I just can't. Huff.

I'm feeling overwhelmingly trapped. Holy shit, nothing's ever going to change for me. I'm still who I've always been with "BEAST" marked across my forehead and my annoying loudness making attempts to overcome my status as a reject.

Fuck me now. Wouldn't that be nice? Sigh.

Ode to Nate #2: He has invited me to be social, said hi to me, so much in the past 24 hours it's ridiculous. A much needed kick in my recluse ass. I sat with people at lunch! I sat with people in the morning! Crazy shit.

Yeah. Today was a day.

take the which one of the trading spaces cast are you? quiz!




Dude, I just saw a commercial with a NEW DESIGNER. Crrrraaaazzzy..

mmm... stupid stupid me. SIGH!

Hello world. I've missed you lately... bah.

So I haven't posted in forever because I have been doing all this stupid going to work crap and then tiredness following it.
YEAH! Haha.

Thursday I had a nice time at BW and eating at Cooker, yum. It was really nice to go out on "a school night" so to speak, I must do this more often. But not TOO often. The Carmel rooms are huge! Yeah, and potato soup is way good.

My weekend consisted of work... and besides that, on Friday, I got to see Beth! and Heather! and all the people Heather talks about! I was so tired though, so I ended up going home at whimpy 11:15pm. What happened to my partying self? Geez... Saturday, I went to scary Tower City and it was way freaky, I can't even put it into words, and watched Ghost World FINALLY. Yay! It was good, and I need to watch it again because it's just so quirky. This weekend's highlights also included a nap and some quality room-cleaning, scrap-booking time. Woo.

Next stop: Today. Emotion. Mind's wanderings.

School was school. You know.. heh.

I had an enjoyable online conversation or two today afterschool. One involved the IM Hall of Fame Inductee tomsblank who graced me with his musings on L-Room waffles and positive thinking. The glass is 80% full, right? yeah... I just spilled it. I think I'll cry. Oh wait, I can't. Syrup won't spill. Dammit!

My brother's soccer game was actually quite entertaining. I found myself a Nate and a Michelle to sit with. Not to mention a Ryan and a Will.

My conversation with Nate was an overall self-revitalizing one. He pushed me even further towards positivity. I need to stop this putting myself down stuff. I'm only a dork if I think I'm a dork. I'm the shit if I think I'm the shit. And I could most definitely find a date to homecoming. I need to hop into a group of friends. There are much dorkier people with dates than me. And he likes my sweater. Thank you Nate for being a nice guy. Yay.

I hope I get a date to homecoming. It would be nice to have a date to a dance. It would be nice to feel like I belong at a dance. Nate actually made me feel like it is a possibility. Like I'm not that much of a disease to not find one. Yeah.

NO NEGATIVE VALERIE. NO PUTTING MYSELF DOWN.

Alright, it's a new mission. Haha.

College is an oppressive thought.

My Mormon name is Miracles Precious One Kenzie!
What's yours?

Well I got off work early tonight, WAY early. So, that was a most definite plus. I need to get my shit together for tomorrow in school though, so that's next on my agenda.

Last night I just decided I was sick of being conscious of my surroundings and went to bed at 9:30. Too bad my family was all around shocked and tried to talk to me about 4 different times through 4 different family members. Ah, this is one reason I will be happy to leave, only a few people bothering me at a time instead of my entire family.

I suppose things have been looking up... sort of. My dad asked me if I could find a ride to school tomorrow, and I seriously couldn't think of anyone who I wouldn't be putting out, I said, I don't have any friends. Well... that's a stretch. I'm a whiner. I like to dramatize my situations.

I have movies that I bought and desperately desire to watch. Hmm. I need to find some good quality movie watching time. I miss movies. Damn.

I don't want to work ever, and it pisses my boss off that none of us care about working but there's only a month left of our season so he can't really hire people. It's shitty. I feel obligated to work, but truth be told, I don't care about the money, I do care about my free time and my stress level, so I don't want to work. Alas, I still work 4 days a week. Sigh.

I'm starting to understand a little of the physics and little of the calculus, these are tremendous pluses. I actually enjoy my time in those classes because I have goofy boys to bother me, reminiscent of my english, math, and chem class last year.

Me: "Mr. T is not his screen name... what are you talking about, AOL?"
(I fade out of conversation)
Phil: "Nobody even notices when I'm mean to them. I just said f-you to you and you didn't even hear it!"
Me: "Haha, you said 'f-you' to me!?"
Tom: "Wait, what's going on?"
Phil: "Nothing, Tom... we're just fighting."
Me: "It's his STAGE name, not screen name."

I still hate school though, don't you worry.

I "ate lunch" alone again today. I just had pretzels and dr. pepper so I didn't really eat lunch... but I was sitting alone nonetheless.

September 11th makes me want to cry so very much so very often. I don't really know how to react but to cry and spend the rest of the time trying to ignore the sadness.

I have become an ice tea addict. Mission accomplished.

They have waffles in the L-Room in the morning now!

Just to clarify my current state a bit more...

I'm not "wanting a boy" because I think it will make me happier and give me a magical solution to all my problems. I see that happen so often but please believe me when I say I'm not that niave.

When I say that iwantaboy is coming back, with it comes my own double edged sword which may or may not be as powerful as it has been in the past. Have I ever been in a relationship? No. Have I talked myself out of them? Yes. Do I really just have a deep passionate desire to get with a guy right this moment? No.

Although I don't have a long line of people wanting me (an obvious reason I don't date), I also have a tendency to over rationalize and make things not work in my head and then allowing that to happen in the situation. I'm quite picky and that most definitely effects what little space I have to decide along the way.

I guess my main sentiment is that I'm ready to change this rut I'm in, this holding back, this horrible social situation I currently have. And, I hope something will change somewhere, and maybe things will change as far as that self-defeating attitude.

It adds spice to life which I'm fresh out of. And simply put, lately I've had urges and desires that involve these male types. I completely aware that it's not THE ANSWER. And I'm not looking for an answer or a boy for that matter.

Basically I'm a confusing, overly dramatic, self proclaimed depressive (I suppose) and that is all. So now that that's all out in the open.. I'll complain.

I feel so alone in school. I spent the entire day, save 3rd period, feeling like the rejected one. I ate lunch alone. I had no one to chat with across the room. I have no common thread save the past that I am sometimes included in now. Why can't I have just one person that wants to be around me?

I have zero desire to do anything I need to do. And the things I want to do I have no time for. I'm tired all of the time. I'm lazy and annoying all of the time. And it sucks.

Maybe this is just evidence of the first Monday I've had at the beautiful Lakewood High School.

I guess I'm just looking for a little contentment, somewhere, out there... but it's just not here. The lump in my throat is not the one that feels good. It's the gritty mean one.

Today I was so alone with my thoughts my head started to run away. It was too stressed to deal with me. I understand poor head, I really do, but next time can you wait until after school ends? Thanks.

You know, crazy is probably a term you could use to describe me. Really crazy.

So I should be writing a paper and doing all of my other homework to make me not feel so stressed and alone tomorrow, although, I don't see how that will really happen.

When the phone rings sometimes I hope it's for me. But even if it is, it's a homework question or a reminder for something.

Today I was quite harshly reprimanded for my lack of decision making in the college department. It kind of hurt because it was peers. Yeah, I suck. Think of me as you please. Rape my intelligence and good grades into the slacker you see me as. Or, rather, just rejoice in the fact that I'm a fuck up. More of a fuck up than you. MUCH more. When AM I going to start looking? Probably never. Thanks for asking. Just look at me with that condescending look and make it known when I fuck up, it will give you a reason to like yourself more. Congrats.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having no release. I'm sick of feeling obligated to stay where I am when I am so unhappy. Maybe Tuesday is a better day to be alive. God knows Monday sucks.

I was talking about the feeling I was left with since everyone (almost) has gone off to school and such, and realized that it probably was a most extreme loss for me. I feel as though my entire world had been a glass full for a while and all of the sudden, one strange and abstract date the glass was turned upside down and emptied. And I can't really pick up any of that lost liquid... and I'm left crying over spilt milk. Damn.

Things will get better, I know. They really, logically, have to. No where to go but up. Bah.

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool? I'm really good at this procrastination you know, and it just gets me into more trouble.

I hurt. It sucks.

Off to do something productive. Perhaps.

Whether it be the influence of foreign (literally) experiences or my strange cocktail of hormones... I'm feeling a funk coming on.

Depressed... maybe... sad... somewhat... lonely... possible... broken... likely... useless... indeed...

Fuck me now! AH!

What I hate the most about this so called depression or period of sadness or whatever, is that I don't really care to be in it. I guess I just look at it as the theme song to my thoughts at the moment. My theme song is quite melancholy and unsettled. Hmph.

I suppose I should just express thoughts about the possible cause of my newfound funk, the party I went to last night.

I got a different taste of the blended life my Hungarian friends live. I'm very happy to have had the opportunity to experience a "Hungarian kids" party. It was a truely enriching experience. Good stuff.

I guess you could say I'm incredibly jealous of them. They have this whole other life almost, a whole language, a whole list of activites, a whole group of friends, a whole collection of jokes, a whole collection of culture that's completely beyond my realm. It's a perfect example of how awesome it is to hold onto heritage. I wish I could have understood everything that was said last night, every word that was sung, every caption and label. But alas, I'm not so cool. Haha.

I've always had this psuedo-obsession with having my children have some heritage. Have a second language, have a tradition or two that I can never give them. Thus, I shall marry a West Side Market meatman or a random Hungarian or maybe just one of Csilla's brothers... or perhaps a nice Latin lover. Who knows... but I do know that I'm extremely attracted to heritage in a man. Wooboy.

Everyone was extremely nice, but I have issues with being social properly, so, it didn't work out to it's potential. And I also hate feeling like a stupid english speaker that butchers their language and tries to be their friend. Okay, that was extreme. Hehe. But yeah. I do find myself to be kind of an awkward embarassing spectacle anyhow, but most people know this about me.

For some reason, maybe going along with my marrying a foreign man obsession, I felt hardcore "iwantaboy" coming back. I had gotten rid of this disease for a very long time, and I dislike the fact it has come back after I had talked myself out of caring about the stupid gender for a good last year of high school. I have now realized it's going to be impossible to cure and I feel like a fucking loser for being so alone and dually independent. Bah. My self created torture chamber as of late. I'm getting there though.. maybe I can not have a cure and be content at the same time... er, maybe the cure is actually having a boy, geez. Scary shit.

It sucks to have a person younger than you tell tales of his love life for a long time and then be turned to and asked what your story and then not having one.

I'm most jealous of options. I have none. They have many.

Oh yeah, and people that are able to play guitar are fucking amazing. That is another thing I'm jealous of.

Geez, I'm green with envy, eh? Hehe.

I shall stop this with something that touches me and describes me quite a lot:

"To live is to change, to acquire the words of a story, and that is the only celebration we mortals really know. In perfect stillness, frankly, I’ve only found sorrow."

Something has to give, I need some good changes. Maybe I will acquire some words sometime soon. I'm definitely lacking, in more ways than one.

Mr. Gannon still "isn't sure" about what plays we're doing. Wonderful. I guess we find out right before the meeting tomorrow.

I forgot to mention before that I'm Manager in Sym Mixed. It's pretty crazy.

Well that was stupid. I guess it's an "update".

1 2 3 self destruct!

I fold under the pressure of being hated. But I get myself there anyhow. It's a great process. I make mistakes.

I have two tests tomorrow. Physics and Calculus. Good times. A pile of homework for each as well. I can handle it though.

Officers get to find out what the play is tomorrow. I can't contain my excitement. Good thing Goodman made sure to remind me not to lose sleep over it, because wooboy, I was going to.

This weekend I felt the effects of priorities... and such. People have to have priorities when they're gone, and unfortunately, I don't get up too high.

I did have some exciting times this weekend though, and for that I am thankful. Saturday night's Malley's trip and hot tub fun was quite interesting. And Sunday I got to see Csilla, Anni, and a bit of the Hungarian fest. It was an exciting hour long trip out there as well. Woo! BP fat hispanic man! Stumph and York are the same road. Yeah, nice to know.

I guess I just need some priorities as well. And I guess they'll just be more back to the basics, dealing with myself and my shit to do. Pretty significant amounts of alone time, at least until my fun activities get going... if they ever do heheheh

Oh! I'm an alto 2. Crazy eh? We're going to Cincinnati! Exciting stuff really.

So Ned wrote this crazy, fun announcement for the first barnstormers meeting and the one they read today was not it. That's annoying.

Anyhow, off to homework I go.