I wish I had words to fill this space that did justice to how I feel right now. I'm spent. I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm so afraid that as I type what I feel like I just need to get down I'm going to lose it again. It hurts so bad.

I didn't make Oklahoma. I'm done... and I didn't even know it. My name wasn't on that list. The tears won't stop. I've heard everything reassuring and about high school is just high school... and it's just... yeah. I know. You know now too. I need to stop this because I'm falling into pieces again.

Later days.

I have spent these last few years in the limbo of two general states: 1) trying to figure out the world and why it is so by watching and analyzing, and 2) trying to figure out what I can do and experience next in this world... with less of the observation.

It seems like I'm in the middle of this scary highway and on one side is the could careless go with the flow and on the other side is the care more than anyone have to know and feel the right stuff and be emotional and thoughtful. I'm getting hit by cars way too much right now. Ouch.

I am so tempted to stop being anything and just avoid all contact with anyone and everyone because... because... I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. There used to be a time, not so very long ago, where I carefully thought out each moment that would either happen or not happen and if I hadn't thought in advance, I would make lots of time to freak out about what happened unexpectedly. I realize this is unhealthy, but I had this amazing grasp, or so I thought, on "Valerie" and what she was to the world. Now, I am more who I really am, but I have much less control. Losing control is both thrilling and frightening.

I feel the thrill as I am acting and living and feeling... and I feel the fright as I sit on lazy lazy Sundays where I ask myself if what I am doing is what I really want to be doing. I guess I'm finally experiencing that part of my adolescence where you don't know what you're doing... and you just experiment. I never let it happen before... and my nails are scrapping on the floor as we speak because I don't want to not know... even though I already don't. I'm a walking contradiction of every single thing I do... yes, no, on, off, right, left, up, down, straight, curly.... woo.

And that, brings me to Snowball! I had my hair straightened for the first time... it was interesting. Chris told me I looked younger and then he asked how I felt about that... and I don't know.. it was weird because, I don't really care all that much. I was indifferent to the hair straightening in the first place, and having done it, I'm still indifferent. It was fun...? I just don't see the big deal. There is no big deal. I do like my hair curly though... it's so fucking long yo, shit. Haha.

And although that seems like a superficial tangent, it truly describes my contradictions... I was indifferent to the dance. I had a good time. I went crazy. But it just was what it was. And then it wasn't... I watched the drama, I could have felt the drama, I could have had my own depressed moments... I could have involved myself in heartbreak... but I just, didn't. I had moments of disappointment and confusion and frustration... but I had a good time, despite it all. I just don't know what that makes me... Full of useless fluff? Lack of a sense of what really matters? An idiot? A whore? A ditz? or just plain human...

Moving on...
I was hoping to be his unconventional beauty... but that's thinking highly of myself, and I'm not one to say I'm conventional or unconventional. I can't bestow hopes of these things on people. Especially people like him.

The half assed search will never work out. A lesson we all must learn I guess.

I was speaking with a good friend of mine, about friends versus mates... and my conclusions frighten me. I will explore some other time though. I'm tired of this little box. I must speak to boxes that speak back now.

My dad said he doesn't understand why I am constantly between being a perfect person or a horrible person.

I thought I was an okay person. I thought that I thought that. But I guess I really don't... hmph.

Start taking control again, Valerie. Own this. Own you.

Valentine's Day Reflections...

I never WANT to be depressed on Valentine's Day... and I usually do a pretty good job of saying hey, free love for all and smiles abound despite my lack of affection from any male avenue. Putting all the carnations together though, on the 13th made me feel less than happy about the day to come. I wasn't getting any from any guy... and that was indicative of my love life in general. I'm not getting any. So, I came home, did my share of whining... the kind of whining that involves "why can't I just have ONE guy call me and say hey, I just wanted to talk to you... and how come I have to beg and plead for any type of anything". Yet, eventually, I got over it. I sucked it up and went to bed, waking up the next morning to the day of love and chocolate... woohoo.

I decided to dress up, and participate in Thong Day. This was pretty monumental for me, considering I had never worn a thong before... so go me for wearing one. :) I had happy happy holiday spirit abounding.

I don't really know what to think about the guys "in my life". I guess the reason I'm putting that into quotes... is the lack of certainty that they truly are"in my life". But I do know this, I really enjoy feeling any type of appreciation from them... and if it takes some generic words I'll enjoy it for a little while.

However, after the glow of beauty starts to fade from these words and my cynical objectivity kicks in, I disappoint myself anymore. I hate that I feel like I ask guys to pity me enough to say things to me that they wouldn't really want to say otherwise. Blech. I DON'T NEED TO BE YOUR PITY PARTY. I have reasons for giving you Valentines and such that don't need to be returned with empty expression. Don't let me be the foolish girl! Argh! Perhaps, if I had balls enough to use the phone number, I would say this to him. RIIIIGHT.

And then the fun party of my Valentine's Day kicks in. I worked last night, at a wedding reception... catering. It was the most depressing thing I have witnessed in a long time. The reason it was so depressing wasn't what you would think, it wasn't the whole man, they're so happy and in love and it's Valentine's Day and I'm all alone... Oh no! It was if this is what love and marriage is in humanity count me out. It was a sad sad sad occassion. They didn't seem to love each other at all. She was pregnant, he was the father. They were barely 21 and getting married because they had to... at least that's what it looked like. They hardly touched each other. They hardly smiled. They hardly enjoyed their supposed "song". It completely destroyed my hope for "love" and undying devotion. I'm still at a loss for my seemingly idealistic views on love. And who would have thought pessimistic me would be so disappointed. I should celebrate in this proof of the nonexistant love... but instead, I was hoping for a little something to give ME hope in life.

All in all, it just makes me so sad. I want to cry.

Show me love... show me life... baby show me what it's all about.

I hate boys. Yes, this is a true statement. Okay, it’s by far a FALSE statement… but, the reason I’ve stated it in the first place is my annoyance with these male type items.

I am annoyed because I am hopelessly devoted to some of them, and not so much to others of them… and in general my “desired” outcome, is never a possibility. I told myself I would stop liking these creatures. I told myself I would not put myself out there to be hurt and to feel stupid for having these childish notions of love and appreciation.

And then I had a taste, but from the wrong place I guess. Or, at the wrong time. I really haven’t figured that one out yet. But as a result, I’ve adopted the crappy behaviors that I SO DESPERATELY HATE! I don’t want to swoon, and have obsessive behaviors because I don’t want to be the fat lady that doesn’t know she’s fat! It drives me crazy. Maybe that fat lady knows she’s fat but keeps up her slinky dress wearing because she thinks other people don’t notice. Much like, me, knowing I’m being strange and shouldn’t have feelings for those I am starting to, but “pretending no one notices” and not stopping my stupid behavior. See, I’m crazy!

So I hate boys because they invoke such foolish feelings. And they say things like “the last time I had sex, it didn’t mean anything so I felt like shit about it”… and I just feel so inferior… and stupid.

Foolish me for being too something to never get started and foolish me for wanting to get the show on the road once I’m too pathetic and behind.

In other news, I’m happy still… I think. I’m just tired and keeping everything comfortably confusing.

I have never really felt this intense of a goodbye. I don't know what it is... everything, everyone... the show, the people, the Tryout Theater, the cast party... it's all over.

I used to be so depressed on the Sundays after a show because it meant I had no friends again, no purpose again... no passion again. Now, it's so different. I have a purpose and friends and passion, but it feels so different. I'm sad. Sadder than I ever was, it is a truly gut wrenching feeling. I feel like I'm saying things I've said before but at this very moment I REALLY mean them. It hurts so bad.

And here I sit, saying these things, feeling these alternate pressures that I'm being "cliche" and "it's not really everything I make it out to be"... but I just can't let myself believe that. One of the most significant things I learned about myself is that I was fortunate to find something I LOVED and the thing that would essentially mold me into who I've become. And I can't even begin to regret one moment of that. And I can't even begin to deny how beautiful my life is because of it.

If I could just stop crying, it would be great.

And like I said, this sad is different. It's shimmering "the end" for me, and I just really wish I never put this much of me into something that ends. No, that's not true. I am SO FUCKING GLAD I put this much of me into this. THANK GOD for this. I'm not depressed. I'm happy. But I'm not content. Dammit I wish I was speaking to someone right now. Anyone, who I thought maybe cared about this and knows what I'm talking about... but I think I'm alone on this one, like I was from the start.

It's so strange... I'm not alone, I know that. I have many many wonderful friends that would do everything in thier power for me, but in the same, I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way. But I know that irrational. Ugh.

I watched a movie today... during my 8 some hours of depressive nap/watching tv time on the couch... with PAUL RUDD in it! haha. The Object Of My Affection, I'd seen parts of it before... but I watched the whole deal today, and I bawled. I don't think I would have cried so much on any other day, I just felt this emotional overload come to a sort of climax (but not an overly fulfilling one since I still feel like shit). Hottie Paul was gay... and it was the Will and Grace deal that he was going to father his best friend's baby, and then instead of her meeting someone (like in Will and Grace), he met someone. The line was "you have to just pick one person and make it work"... ahh! And he went with the boyfriend... and she, she was left behind. Ah, it hurts so much!

I wasn't supposed to hate Valentine's Day this year! I'm all good man! Or not. I just need some type of resolution here, fuck me now. ARRRRGH. I also saw some of High Fidelity today. And you know when John Cusack goes to his ex's father's funeral? Well yeah... she's all sad, follows him out and asks him flat out to have sex with her. "I need to feel something other that what I feel now." I need some sex.

I have such good intentions... and they all go to shit for the most part. Sigh. I WILL GO ON.

there's only us
there's only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today