Hmm... why is it that I'll be online and not post? I know, it's a travesty. Bah.

I made mixed for next year. That's exciting. I'm happy about it. Peter made me happy... and today, talking about trips and what not sort of excited me as well. It hasn't sunk in entirely though. It meant so much to me, that actually getting in is sort of surreal. I know, this sounds really dumb.

Auditions for the musical start tomorrow. I'm just pretty drained by now. I'm lacking energy to go through it. But I will, as usual. I'm hoping for chorus. Sigh.

I don't know what else is really going on. I got better grades than I thought I would, which is nice. I need to start working harder though. Good luck on that one. I took two tests today that sucked pretty bad. Yippee, starting the semester off right.

I'm hoping to get my temps on Saturday.. and hopefully I'll get The Sims SOON. That would be awesome.

I love the fishes cause they're so delicious.

Never fails that I come up with something to overanalyze about throughout each day. Today, I've had these thoughts and a question for a while now, and I got an answer tonight.

It was pretty much the way I had thought it would be... but sort of depressing at the same time. I don't know. It was good to hear though.

Basically, I've realized that I demand a lot from people. I have such high expectations and sometimes they're ridiculous. Where did (or do) I get off? I don't deserve much really. I can't believe I expect so much from people.

But then again, I've always expected respect. Respect for me, my friends, strangers... everyone. It's just how I live sometimes... and I don't see that as bad necessarily. I pretty much demanded that from people in my life. I can definitely see how that got to be a lot. And it also explains a little more as to why I never got any, besides the exterior. I have or had (I'm not really sure) these gigantic walls of expectations and defenses... it would be stupid for anyone (a guy especially) to even think about breaking through.

I don't know why I'm so... almost, upset about this crap. I guess it furthers the whole idea that my dad preaches about guys having girls as friends. It's not probable I guess for a certain kind of guy. Or, not even. Sometimes it's just something a guy doesn't want to have to deal with. And that's fine. Okay, I think I'm starting to feel a little better.

Wow, I'm a freaking handful. No wonder... no wonder...

Shout out to Amy: I think it is more normal than you would think to be horny (so to speak, although that word has definite dirty connotations) as a girl. I just think that most girls aren't vocal about it, like you. And I don't think hormonal imbalance is correct (I agree with Dave), because imbalance sends out the message that something is wrong.. and I think you can just say that you have hormonally induced thoughts. Anyway. I don't really have much to post.

I had a day filled with family. Every couple of months, I decide to break into the world that my family lives in, and get introduced to people as the secret daughter. It's fabulous.

Speaking of horny, I was watching American Pie 2 today. I liked it. Turned me on... just joking. It was much less raunchy than one, in my opinion. Although I wasn't exactly offended by raunchiness in either one. I enjoyed them both very much.

I like to believe that life can be like that on some levels. My dad says that basically, guys don't care about being friends with each other, or picking the less attractive girl because they love her, they're all about the ass. Oh, and it's IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to be a just friends with a girl, and the notion that he would want her in his life as friends if he can't have her otherwise is completely bull shit. This is why I don't watch movies with my father that often. He makes me mad.

Well, I think I'll just stop typing now.

Hmm... basically, whenever I watch a movie on encore, I come out of it wishing I had a guy. I don't even know if the movie on encore is necessary for me to feel this way, it actually probably is not.

I'm so weird about these things. I long for it and hope and whine. And then I basically chicken out of being around any guys because I get scared. And I become someone that isn't me. I'm getting a little better, but I just try to protect myself from let down before I even have anything to be let down.

Wow that was a hell of a babble.

Hmm.. I think I had a good day. Actually, I had a good day.

I got my H project done for chemistry. I hung out at Amy's for a long time, playing the Sims... sigh. Then, we were allowed to leave with Mr. Forni and we picked up Kim. We went to Applebee's after that... yeah, I know, could have done better than that. But I had fun. And finally, we ended up back here at my house with Jana. Crazy. Nick and Josh and RC joined us too. My stupid house.

I like being around fun people like that. It was nice. It was also nice having some new males around too. Okay, maybe just one... I mean, I had fun. Stupid French card game though. It was also lovely that I looked like crap today. Oh well! The best part of this is, it's only midnight Friday-Saturday. More party time to come huh? Aww yeah. Hah. Or something.

Yeah, maybe I just want some. Sigh, oh well.

Alright, here I go. I think I'm just going to post a million things that have run across my mind in the past couple of weeks, since I haven't really posted much of significance.

To Kill A Mockingbird and Barnstormers: Somehow, the drama always reminds me how much I cannot live without it the whole thing. I have the time of my life, I may not realize it, but I do. My dad always talks about how his reason for doing so much as soccer teams and such with my siblings is that he's giving them something the players, my siblings, can look back on and it's once in a lifetime and all that good stuff. Well, I guess for this show I realized that I have that same thing with a lot of things in my life now, but probably the most significant of them being my involvement in the shows and Barnstormers. Something about sitting next to Jana backstage and her saying to me "this is my last show" put me into a spin of emotion. That scares the shit out of me.

Friends: On that note, lately I have been realizing how blessed I am to have these wonderful people in my life. For some reason I just randomly think of someone I haven't really been around and realize how much they mean to me. Thank you all... so much.

Dances: I think deep down inside I want to go, but I don't have the balls or the beauty to make it happen.

Boys: ...scare me. Basically, that's it, that's all, that's my problem.

Singing: ...depresses me so much. Because I want to, and I want to not sound like crap, but I do. And I just get so damn depressed about it. It's like the biggest persistent letdown in my life. But of course, I keep trying... to no avail. I hate when the musical comes because it means all of my friends will have something I don't. And it breaks my heart. I just wish I could own my suckiness and just get over it. Sigh. Next year.

The Sims: Somehow it works itself into my thoughts like constantly now, and I don't know what to do with myself because, I don't have it! But I want to play it! ARGH! (See how deep I am all of the sudden?)

Cotton: Yes. I am afraid of cotton. I'll touch cotton balls I just won't hold them. No stretching them out for me. I'm fine with Q-Tips, and anything else made of cotton.. just no cotton wads that need to be stretched. For example, in a pill bottle.

Key Club: I had a lot of fun at the meeting last night. I love Nick. He makes me smile. And then there's "the boys", I thought that was awesome that they came. Yay. I hope next year is good too. I don't think I can deal without Amy, but I try to ignore that part in all facets of my life.

Me: I can only be me. I need to just accept that and go with it. I generally do, except when I try to avoid occurences that scare me. Yeah, I am in high school.

I'm lonely.

I always thought I was just joking when I said I was afraid of cotton, but seriously, I am. Basically just cottonballs and the way they stretch, they are seriously the sickest things. I couldn't even touch them.

I wish I could not feel so guilty sitting here writing on my blog for once. It's scary that I haven't been updating. It's like unnatural or something. My life is not complete without blogging. Okay, obviously not... but still. I have been needing some release lately and I have yet to find the time to do it. SIGH.

I don't know what's been going on with me. I'm dumb. I'll work on having some poise in expressing my feelings. However, currently, I'm dumb.

I'm so in depressed for no reason mode right now. Maybe I have reasons... I just don't know exactly. I'm sick of the way my life works. Sigh. I'm dumb.

You know my life has really gone to shit when this is something I procrastinate. Ugh.

Get back to me... later.

To Kill A Mockingbird - sold out, super good.

I've had a lot of bad days in the last week.

Olivia is annoying.
Katie is awesome.
The play is FABULOUS, everyone should come!
TESTS SUCK.
HOMEWORK SUCKS.
STRESS STINKS.

And I don't have any Arrid. Damn the way the world works.

Well I've had a pretty uneventful weekend. It's weird because I've managed to not be online even though I did very little of anything last night, or today (besides NHS). Interesting.

I don't know what I'm thinking or anything. I'm sort of apprehensive about the play. I feel like I'm not into this character at all, and it makes me uneasy about it. It will be a good show though. Yeah.

So, it being Hell Week (Steve Gerrick makes me feell dumb saying that now... anyway...) starting tomorrow I won't be around all that much this week. Around, as in, online and home. I say that, and I know I'll end up here every night when I get home. It's habit. Hehe.

And now I'm craving cheese again. Hmm.

Sometimes, I think about going to dances and being pretty for once. I don't know.

Well it's way later than I should be up. Goodnight.

Don't have a pie-eating contest with simulated apple pie a.k.a. Chemical Pie.

It leaves you feeling slightly uneasy inside.

Last night, I saw Orange County with Heather. It was actually a pretty enjoyable movie. One of those movies that you're just like, well I laughed, it wasn't moving or anything, but I didn't hate the experience. So that was good. A million people were at the theater. I got to see Melissa which was cool cause I missed her at practice. After that I called the coolest kid ever, Dave and he came and picked us up and we went to Malleys. He's the best. I love you Dave! Hehe.

So today my "Teenscope" says: Start your day early, and pack as much into your Saturday as possible. This way you won't feel disappointed when the weekend's over and you wasted half of it lying around in bed.

Too bad I didn't read that 'til after I wasted half of my day lying around in bed. Gee shucks. It's been a lazy day. And I don't really care about it. So HAH.

So now I have to go make some Chemical Pie. Yum.

When A Man Loves A Woman is a very good movie. Contact, When Harry Met Sally, and It Could Happen To You are good movies too. TBS has like all really good movies on today. If you're bored, I highly recommend them.

I'm ready to party, let's get it on.

I really dislike planning the future. It sucks. My brother's like, yeah next year's gonna suck for you isn't it? That sucks.

I don't want to think about this any more. Why did I even bring it up in the first place?

School is a draining experience. For countless reasons. At least I got myself a nice nap today.

Oh well. I'm tired of this. Happy Almost Friday!

This stupid purity tests are making me feel like even more of a loser. Yeah, I know, thanks for reminding me Mr. Armory Test. It's not even that my results are whatever, it's the "you loser" phrasing of everything. Haha.

Paranoia continued: Sometimes, I feel like whenever a guy speaks to me, he's secretly making fun of me. This isn't like a new thing, it just randomly comes to mind every now and then. It definetly goes back to my days of being oblivious. It does happen to me, but hopefully not everytime.

Wow, how insecure am I feeling today? Geeez.

I promise you that I will be better and less insecure tomorrow. Don't worry too much. Haha, riiight.

This post is from earlier... I edited it a little but it's basically stuff from around 7pm tonight:

Sigh, at least I have orange juice.

Today I've had a lot of mixed thoughts and emotions.

I had a crazy dream last night. I find it pretty amusing. And I had a crazy dream the night before last too. It's crazy. I think I have some mental problems. As if I didn't know that already. Bah.

For some reason, by the time I sit here I forget all the stuff I was going to write about. Today I have managed to forget everything I was going to say to pretty much everyone. Which makes it pretty funny that I actually remembered that dream.

Sometimes I don't understand the way things work. Especially that whole strange people dating thing. Hah. No, I'm not that dumb. Basically, I'm referring to the idea that Olivia feels like she is entitled to a man at all times. I guess I'm just way hideous compared to her. But it's not like I want any of her past boyfriends either.

Okay, that was retarded. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why don't I get any? Haha. Seriously though, it sucks.

Also, why is it that the people I want to talk to right now I can't get a hold of?

Ahhh, the world is full of as many questions as you send out there. Isn't it lovely?

I feel like people are making fun of me for how I feel. Yeah that was such a sobbing adolescent thing to be said to the shrink. No, but it's like aside from making fun of my preferences, my words, my appearance, my actions even... sometimes I feel like some of the people closest to me are just totally ripping on me for my innermost feelings. And that's the worst thing. Paranoia! I'm not meaning to sound like I really worry constantly about what people think, it's just a thing that came to mind, what if they are really making fun of what's deep inside of me.

Bah, I feel kind of crappy now.

Oh, and I love how people think I'm all obsessed with RC now or something. I'm actually pretty afraid of the kid. Yeah, extremely afraid. I just think that if anyone should be called cool, it should be RC.

I'm sad I missed Melissa at practice today. And Kathy's impression of me.

Geeez, I'm feeling a whole lot of insecure loneliness right about now. This needs to just go away. I think I'll go lay down and procrastinate so more.

So, I'm being told to babble more for today because that last post wasn't enough content.

Right.

Five for Fighting is good.

Hmm... let me think. I'm having a writer's block day today, so this is very difficult! Bah!

Well I had some fun at choir pictures today. I really don't want that stupid officers picture in the yearbook. How embarassing. A lot of things are embarassing me lately. It's pretty unfortunate.

I was thinking about my whole only boyfriend thing today. It was because Katie was remembering when she used to hang out with the group and how everyone liked Steve, Kevin and David. And I asked if she ever dated Steve and she was like no... did you. And that got me thinking. That was so dumb. It was entirely my problem. I was scared. So scared. That experience truly marks my major issues. Like hello, I don't really have any REAL baggage, I just make it for myself to complicate things. Yeah, that's it. I complicate my life for myself and then complain about it. There, my friends, is a significant issue. But I think I've grown up and changed my ways a lot since then (God, I hope so), and I'm finally becoming more comfortable.

It's so weird. Different parts of me are going at very different speeds and they tend to leave me in messed up situations.

The best part of all that was that it made NO SENSE. Score!

Next week is going to be so crazy. I'm not even grasping it. It's one of those things I know is happening but I'm ignoring all the details of it. Basically, OH WELL about that.

Oh! The girls I babysit for that are really annoying, they got The Sims for Christmas! So I got to experience it today! It was sooo exciting. I didn't have the sound on cause I didn't want to disturb them, but I got to have some fun watching them tell jokes and everything. My family is so messed up... Mike, Maria, Anne and Sasha Smith. And get this, Maria and Anne are hispanic and Mike and Sasha are brown-haired white males. It's sweeeet. I don't think they like their beds though. Oh well, I only get to play with them on Tuesdays... and even then only like an hour. I had fun though.

So I think this is dumb and long enough. BAH.

I thought I'd be creative with my imood for once.

I don't really have much of anything to say except it should be way past Tuesday by now, this week is taking too long. I don't know what exactly I'm wanting to happen, it's just being slow.

I did WAY better on that chemistry test than I thought I would or even think I should have. But I'm not going to complain too much about that one.

Today was a day. I guess that's pretty much it.

Siiiigh. I love you all.

I'm way too hard on myself.

And my expectations are way too high.

It sucks.

Yesterday I watched some little movie on Nickelodeon. My siblings left it on and I ended up watching the whole thing. The reason I am telling you this is because I found a few things I enjoyed in it:
1. The boy who was the "crush" was named Sasha.
2. The main character girl said all these cute little things, and the one that sticks out in my mind the most right now is something to the effect of, "Sometimes, your life feels like a brand new journal waiting to be written in" and then she smelled the pages of her blank journal. I found it enjoyable, what can I say.
3. She wrote a beautiful song for Sasha and sang it in front of everyone because if you have something to say, you should just say it.

So that's my stupid kid channel movie story.

Today was alright, I did poorly on a chemistry test and had some fun with my slide show in drama. I think that's probably it. Oh, and I got to actually come home afterschool today, it was kind of strange but good.

I need to read Billy Budd. That's going to be fun. I wonder if I'll actually do it.

Mmmm.. I love this song. I've quoted it a million times, so
I'll just say I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing. Hehe. Sometimes I'm in this mood where I just amuse myself. I am the stupidest girl ever and I'll laugh at my own ways. It's pathetic. Oh well! If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time. Something that can make me pretty content pretty fast is listening to songs on my computer. It's really pathetic too, that is, how obsessive I get without realizing it. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way... Just when you think you've got me figured out, the season's already changed. I decided that it would be way too confusing if I didn't italicize my song quoting action. Only wish that you were here, you know I'm seeing it so clear, I've been afraid I have way too much fun with stupid things like this. I should definetly put this on a happy thoughts list. Scream, Are we having fun yet? Well I most certainly am. I'm sure those suffering through this aren't. This is one of those times I feel annoying, not annoyed, annoying. The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue plane, I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless, and this moment I am happy, happy. I love the ocean. Crank it up, mess around, tear it up, be who you are, you're a star! You're a star, you really are. And I'll put this out of it's misery with a classic, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I'd see you again...

Sigh. Good times.

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had feeling I could be someone, be someone,
be someone

Bah, no movie for me.

It looks like a movie this weekend is not happening. And don't tempt me with one tomorrow, because I cannot afford to waste 2 hours plus. I have so much to do, that I don't even comprehend how to get it done.

Did I mention how much I hate school?

The institution is fine I guess, but this whole homework, tests, speeches, books aspect leaves a lot to hate about it. I enjoy the locker, and the people I get to see, and occasionally I'll actually enjoy a class period.

Maybe I'm just in the way wrong mindset lately. Yeah, that's definetly it, my mind has not gone back to school.

So tonight I had some fun, it was quite reminiscent of the days when none of my friends drove and we had to plan parent rides accordingly. But Jana's dad was way cool about it. We went to the mall, Target, Malley's and Jana's house. Saw some cool guys getting hit on by middle schoolers, saw some Csilla, saw some Amy, and saw some possible names for our futures. That last one consisted of sitting around Rachel's pen set and some paper and signing our names with every last name we could come up with. My name with a L, W, or K last name was approved, I didn't mind M too much either. Jana's just didn't work out ever. That whole vowel thing she has going on now is hard to beat.

Sigh, goodnight all...

TheSpark.com's Sex Test!

here are my results:

Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with
3 people! And you'll first have sex at age 16,
in a hotel room.

The info on your 3 future sex partner(s):

0 of them will be female
3 of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
You have a 71% chance of dying during sex.

I don't have much time. Hah.

---

And while I was at it, I decided to take the religion test that was in the paper today. Beliefnet.com and click on "Belief-o-Matic".

These are my top 3 religions:

1.  Reform Judaism (100%)
2.  Liberal Protestant (98%)
3.  Liberal Quaker (98%)

I told you I was going to be Jewish.

So yeah. I have homework to be doing, and I'm not doing it. I'm not surprised with myself at all. If anyone has a good story with a "moral" that I can tell my speech class, let me know. Bah. School sucks. I can't wait until this semester is over. No more speech class, another self direct. And we also have a three day week that week. Hell yeah.

So last night was fun. Valerie A. Loser (my initials are VAL, see?) bowled a 120. Not too bad for me... I ALMOST beat David. I came in second.

Chelsea told me that if she could give me any gift it would be a self esteem. Sigh. And she doesn't even read my blog. Uh oh.

For some reason the past two nights I haven't been able to get online at night. It pisses me off. No late night conversations for me. No end-of-day blog updates. Bah. Something stupid to do with the DSL or something. Maybe I'll ask Dave for some advice.

I had fun last night though. The best part was falling on the floor when Csilla bowled. And being ROBBED. Hehe.

I had a dream last night that some cool kids tried to take my nice gloves. And I said, but they're really nice and expensive. And that was all. Weird huh?

I don't seem to be too excited about much of anything at the moment. I need to be excited. I need to be excited about something dumb like talking to someone or some class or some event or some party or seeing someone or doing something or SOMETHING. But I'm not. Everything seems to have pitfalls when I think about it. I probably shouldn't think about it anymore, huh?

I want to see a movie. That will be a goal for my weekend. Among all the not fun stuff that I need to do.

Well that stuff is kind of old now. Sort of emotional expression, in the moment. So I'm fine now.

Hmm.. I think I'm a freaking emotional rollercoaster lately.

I'll go from being completely happy and upbeat, not having a care in the world to a rut of depression and horrible self-image.

I'm closer to the second right this moment.

I guess I just create a massive tornado within myself because of my own expectations and trust issues.

I hold back all of my feelings cautiously for a while, and by the time I accept them and start to deal with them as something I can act upon, my gut reactions that lead me to holding back in the first place become true.

This is not how life should be, but somehow I do it to myself allll the time. Never fails. I can't trust a new friendship going well, I can't trust an old friendship that should go well for once, and I sure as hell can't trust any feelings I have towards a male.

I think I'm just one fucked up individual. Maybe that's why I'm so deprived in that whole dating part of most people's lives. And maybe that's why I have some seriously messed up friendships as well.

I can't even put into words how hard it is for me to cast stuff that used to be my world aside. I wish I could have an open line of communication with that part of my life. I think about picking up the phone, but somehow it always ends up wrong. It's all fake now. It's all secrets from me. It's all about running to someone "trustworthy". I'm severely baffled by the amount of people that get pulled back into one's life when it is a time of drama. I hear I'm a topic of conversation, but not good enough to be properly addressed. I'm either in your life or out, I'm sick of waiting in the doorway. I had to pull away to escape the pain. I try so damn hard to understand now. I don't accuse anymore. I guess I'm waiting for something to happen that never will.

So that's my cryptic fun of the day.

Well....

LET'S GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW! YAY!

Or not.

I don't know, I guess at this very moment I don't even care anymore. I had a good last day... as good as it could have been.

Rehearsal, sledding, John's diner, Jana's, home, nap, picked up pictures, home.

I had fun, Csilla. Thanks for letting me come along.

Sigh... I don't even know..

So today was pretty dull, not too bad though... my illness has calmed down a bit.

I went shopping with the family. It was, um, something I'm glad I don't do frequently. Enough said.

I came home, went on my "walk" and got some social time in. Or something... sigh, said goodbye.

I came home again, and did a whole lot of nothing. I played at least 5 games of Sequence with my siblings. A nice, relaxing night is what I needed to nurture my illness, so it was effective.

And now, I'm here. This has been an extremely useless post, but I'm sticking with my promise that I'd post again today so I better hurry up and post this before it turns midnight. Ah! Cinderella! HAH. That's a good one.

Well I woke up feeling like all sorts of crap. That sounds a lot worse than it is... I just still have that sick to my stomach feeling.

And today, looks like I have nothing to do because my grandma is sick, making our traditional New Year's Day cancelled. I can't say I'm all that disappointed, considering the dinner involves pork (pig) and sauerkraut (sp?) but, I am kind of worried about my grandma and I have nothing to do with myself now.

I'm trying to avoid the depression that comes with endings. Like the depression that usually finds itself inside of me when it's New Year's. I kind of woke up with it, and I'm just trying to ignore it now. Break has been way too fun for my own good. I'm sad about it ending as well. Oh goodness.

I have posted quite a bit in these last two days. That's kind of pathetic isn't it? And I'll probably post again later.

Today was my last day of sleeping in. And I wake up at 10am. Bah.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hah. So I suppose it's 2002 now. That's pretty funny to type.

I had a good night, not exactly the BEST, but good.

Sigh, RC. He's hilarious. That was the best. So fun.

I love when my feelings don't reflect my actions. I get scared about things. Psych myself out of things. Just in general... I need to stop with the personal mind games and get a grip. Live dammit, then you won't come home feeling like you do right now. Yeah... haha.

Sorta annoyed. Yeah, really annoyed. Argh. I feel stupid that that's the case.. cause I shouldn't be. I'll get over it, it's just my immediate reaction.

I experienced a random break-out of red dots on my face, that's always lovely.

Wow, I feel sick to my stomach. Grrr.

I'll just think about drunk RC... :)

I did get some nice hugs.

2002. So crazy. Damn that whole back to school on the 3rd. I don't like it. Bah. Oh well, figures.

Siiigh...