Wellll... I'm in Virginia. Exciting huh? Yeah I thought so. HAPPY EASTER!

Instead of being at my aunt's house right now, I'm at my cousin's apartment. I get to see Virginia Tech tomorrow.

Hmm.. oh! I got my new pillow and some jeans, AND a new purse, no more ghetto purse.

Friday was a very productive day. I went to the mall and got the above, and then I went to production (tons of fun... actually, it was. It's nice when I try to be all weird and a loner and people don't let me get into that funk) and then we made some ice cream at my house. Aww yeah.

Well I'm done. This is dumb. WOOOO!!!

Good morning... Why am I up so early? Cause I'm crazy. Yeah.

I have like no break so I might as well get up at 8 on one of the two days I'll be in Lakewood for break.

I suppose I'm excited to go to Virginia (Saturday morning-Wednesday late afternoon) and Columbus (Friday morning-Sunday evening)... BUT, that's my entire stupid break! ARGH.

I am excited to see some family in Virginia. But, I bet it will be a lot of boring time... aka rest and relaxation... riiiiight.

Goals for 10 days of spring break:
- Don't think too much.
- Read 3 books for English.
- Write a paper on one of those books for English.
- Watch lots of movies... (including the last two Star Wars... and ET?)
- Go out to lunch with Annie Duna
- Dance with Tom and Dan at Convention
- See my cousin! YAY!
- Drink less caffiene
- Catch up in math and chemistry (hah, funny joke)
- Obtain a new pillow and some new jeans

Hmm... that's about all I can think of for now. My dad needs the stupid computer. Hooray for the Spring soccer season.

OH!

IF YOU HAVE THE BOOK, "THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING ON GOD" PLEASE CALL ME, EMAIL ME, GET MY ATTENTION TODAY!!! I NEED IT REALLLLLY BAD. thanks.

I'm sort of bummed that I did absolutely nothing productive with my day. Besides advancing some Sims in their lives... sigh.

Yet, I'm not letting myself be TOO bummed because I was given a day in which to do nothing. And gosh darnit, that's what I did!

I'm just hoping I don't have to babysit tonight... but that's probably too wishful. It's snowing now... what a strange day.

Maybe the superintendent read my blog.

Awww yeah.

School sucks. Basically, I hate it. I want to crawl into my bed and never go back. Okay, that's not true... but I wouldn't mind missing ever single stupid class I'm in. I hate homework. I hate classes. I hate tests!!!!

Heh. Enough of that ranting. Shoot, I had things I wanted to say. But, of course, I forget them.

I find myself wondering what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. Oh, how much I hate being left alone with my thoughts... wondering what and why and how and if. So futile, so foolish.

I guess I'm a really bad friend. I don't know what to do. I'm just so sick of putting myself out there. Alas, sugar coat my failures as a person and everything will be purrrfect. Right.

Just so the world knows, the way I want to deal with things is up front. No games, no nothing. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and we'll discuss it. Hell, maybe we'll even get in a fight. Fights are healthy. The talking kind... I don't want anything physical... besides my mean, cranky, manly appearance... I don't want to kick anyone's ass. I really don't!

So, I'm crazy. Yes, this is true. I don't know. I really have no idea what happens next. Besides...

Well I'm feeling a change of mood all of the sudden. My cousin has this amazing ability to make me feel all is right with the world. Built in best friends forever. Nothing better.

Well, I found a dress... and it happened to be 10 dollars too! I did have more than that though, don't worry.

Mardi Gras was fun.

I don't really know what to say about anything else. But, Mardi Gras was fun.

Hmm.. I had an extremely fun night last night. Okay.. maybe that's a bit extreme but I had a lot of fun. Really, I did.

School House Rock Live was good. It wasn't to be taken as seriously as most of the people in that dumb audience did. But you know, I represent. Aww yeah.

Pizza Hut doesn't have good pizza. What are they smoking?

But other than that, I had a fun time.

I think this entry serves as wonderful evidence as to why I'm Vice President of the Retard Club. Yeeeeahh ICE.

Tonight is Mardi Gras. At 3:30-4ish I'm going shopping. Hopefully I will find something I can wear for the whole 10 bucks I have in my wallet. Wish me bountiful amounts of luck.. because I REALLY need it.

At least I have character shoes, right? RIGHT.

Disney princess. Yup.

I love how little homework I actually get myself to finish at night. I'm exhausted. I was so tired all day and then I got to dance. Ugh.

Hmmm I don't even know. What am I doing? Argh.

But, I'm not in a very bad mood like yesterday. And that's always good. Having fun is relative. Sigh.

I can't even begin to express my hatred for the days that it feels like I'm just going through the motions.

Being told the same things, having the same disappointing moments and just doing everything in the same horrible way.

Today shaped up to be that way. I don't know why that happened exactly, it just did.

Ugh, I'm feeling bleh.

I have this incredible ability to let myself feel like the scum of the earth. Believe it or not, some days I have positive self esteem thoughts. Seriously, I do. But... alas... they don't last. It's like most moments I'm able to cope with the way I look and the way I am pretty adaquately.. and then there's those defeating moments that I let myself realize I'm everything horrible that I am. That crash in positivity occured sometime this afternoon. SIGH.

Sometimes when I'm putting off everything else, I read random blogs. I was doing this the other day and realized that every single person that writes in these things either thinks their life is horrible and not worth living or thinks they're the shit and needs to tell everyone about it.

I'm hoping I don't fit in either of those categories. I've been really working on not acting like my life is the worst because I know it's not. I'm very lucky for many reasons.

Yeah.

I wrote this poem today during Watter's Science Seminar (woohoo!):

You make me nervous, damn you.
Once again, I play tormented mind games
-not with you- but you're locked inside them
I'm usually so silent
I'm usually hiding these crazy complexities
I'm not usually so easily exposed
How do you make me trip over myself like you do?
You tickle my inhibitions
And invoke my amusement...
Those ever-searching eyes find me
And that mysterious humor embraces me
More often than not I'm left waiting
Waiting for emotions like these to fade
And once again, you're different compared to the rest
And you aren't even close to not being on my mind.

It was really funny because I let Peter Hampton read it and he assumes it's about him. Right! When I assured him it wasn't, he said, "It's very... emotional... you should enter it in a contest or something! You'd win!" And this my friends, is a perfect example, one of millions, as to why this was not about him. Oi. (hehe).

So I guess that about wraps it up :)

Well, I think yesterday helped me to decide what I'm looking for and what I'm not looking for in many aspects of life.

I need a guy that has something to say. Geez.

Also, as far as drinking goes... I have a problem with drinking when it's sole purpose is to liven things up and help you to have fun when otherwise you'd be bored. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to say things like "I don't need to get drunk to have fun" and all that preachy bull shit. It just seemed disgusting to me the way it was done this time around. That's all.

At some moments of your day, with some people you encounter... it's nice to feel like you might possibly be high up on their list of people to be around.

I need to keep things in perspective. Mallory Beck said to me today, "It's nice to see you so smiley today, Valerie". And granted, that's a strange thing to be told.. and all that stuff, but I think I was meant to hear it. I tend to forget what I'm sending out to people. Smiling is good. And feeling good is good. And having people around you that put you in a good mood is good.

It's sort of sad to me that the only guy that has ever out of the blue told me I was beautiful and stuff came out. I'm still flattered and love the guy and everything, but it's slightly depressing that I couldn't be beautiful to a straight guy. No biggie though. Who needs beauty?

It's funny how distant I feel from people that mean so much to me. Like seriously, some of the people I love most in this world are months and miles away from communication. Sigh, it's strange.

Iced Mochas... I'm excited! Let's go already.

I enjoy the movie Mumford. It's one of those wierd movies I find myself watching numerous times. Good stuff. Maybe it's that Jason Lee is genius guy with strange quirks in it. Or, possibly, it's just the idea that ever random character finds a random character that fits them, and they're happy together.

I love movies. Damn.

Oh, and another movie that I absolutely enjoy... Say It Anyway. SIGH!!! Quite possibly one of my favorite movies. I was talking about it with Ned on Friday.. it made me want to watch it again, right away. I need to do that.

I also watched Sleepless in Seattle today. Good stuff.

I don't realize how many movies I watch until I write them down here... geez, I'm a loser.

I'm depressed that the basketball team didn't win. My dad's all depressed too. It's so unfortunate.

Hmph. It's really quite possible that I'm having a bad mood weekend. Not really on purpose though... I don't know. I'm just so aware of everything that I do and what people see me doing, and it puts me into this awkward position. I hate the way it is... Ugh. I make so much darn sense you know? Hah.

Positive thinking: I thoroughly enjoyed the girl's night out on Thursday. It seriously brightens my life when I get to spend a few moments relaxing and smiling and laughing. It was nice. Tonight was also nice... I have fun when I let myself a lot of the time. I love Mayce. I love all the girls. It was nice. I've been trying really hard to enjoy things and not let things get to me... and I'm progressing I believe.

Today is going to suck a whole lot. I need to have my desire to work in school restored. It's a problem. I'll just positive think my way to a good productive day. Right? RIGHT! Woo. Bueno Suerte, Ana.

It's hard to grasp what really matters. Damn.

Sometimes I feel like I'm exuding too much of one aspect of me... if that makes sense. For instance, I put out a drama club retard vibe too much lately. Or, I put out a arrogant smart kid vibe. Or, I put out a snotty bitch vibe. Or, a shy, quiet girl vibe. Or, a happy, loud, annoying chick vibe.

I need to stop obsessing over stuff like that though. I just dig myself into ditches of words that trip me up.

Oh, and not to cramp Csilla's style but I got this word as the word of the day and found it amusing:

katzenjammer \KAT-sun-jam-er\ (noun)
*1 : hangover
2 : distress
3 : a discordant clamor

Sleep...

I get so sick of hearing, "Are you okay, Valerie? You look tired"

And I slept 13 some odd hours last night! I went to bed at 9! ARGH.

Blah.

I feel like I should write something. I don't know what's going on in my head at this very moment. I am so freaking amazed by the volume of stuff set before the simple human mind that is prime for analyzing and evaluating. I want to grasp as much as possible and think and discuss and learn and discover and everything... sometimes I am reintroduced to my passion for knowledge of the workings of the world. Rarely, but sometimes. But besides conventional learning and education, I find it amazing how much outside of that realm of thought, there is to also wonder about. We are faced with countless issues and different people each and everyday... whether it be new people or an old friendship or a shift in feelings and emotion. The dynamics of so many of the things around us are more than adaquate for analysis. CRAZY.

I'm thinking I'm going to stop obsessing over thought.

Every single person that I am able to interact with, on a positive thinking, poses a wonderful feeling for me. I just find it so wonderful that I am able to have so many different and good people around me. If I sit down and really look back on a day at school I can feel good about it. That means so damn much to me. I can't even express how important it is to me. When I'm not hard on myself for a few moments, I can feel fabulous about the people that spend part of their day talking to me. Hell, not even that much, take a moment to smile or say hi. I'm so blessed.

So today, at Big Brother Big Sister I got hit in the face with a football... and my glasses once again fell to the floor and I'm pretty sure they're even more bent up. They fall of when I look down. SWEET HUH? Yeah, I thought so too. (whether you're being sarcastic or not in your response to my question, I agree... see I'm an agreeable person at the moment). Why is my face a football magnet? What do you think?

I may be an ugly mo-fo but does that make me deserving of footballs?

Sometimes I don't even care how hideous I look, Hell, they've all got hot pants for me anyway. Haha. Sometimes I just say things to amuse myself. It's quite healthy I think. Or I convince myself of such things.

For some reason it drives me INSANE when my mom walks in the door and croons "HELLLOOO!! ANYONE HOME?!?!" Bleh.

I seriously have SO MUCH I need to be doing that I just can't get myself to do. It's a problem.

Just throw me back into this chaos already.. who cares if I'm prepared.

I'm feeling major amounts social deprivation. You don't understand the loneliness of being very sick until you feel better and realize you haven't talked to anyone in a while. Oh well I guess.

I have so so so much to catch up on. Yippeee. This week is going to be crazy. I hope I survive.

I'm alive. I appreciate your concern :). For a bit, I wasn't anywhere near the alive I am now. And that would be a rap up of my last few days. I'm done.