valerie on ice

that's the new LJ, moving on baby.

goodbye and goodnight blogger. I will miss you spoons

i'm sick and working. oh right, no one gives a shit. see ya around.

I feel like I'm grasping on straws for dear life... it's so ridiculous. I'm not even referring to the generally "obvious" leaving of college kids and such... it has to do with my will to move on. I'm holding onto the damned tubular qualities of myself, things that I knew and didn't know about who I am and what it is that I care about, and odds that they'll drop out are as good as that they'll stick around for a while. And knowing foolish me, I'll be investing my valued and most tender feelings in the plastic nothings that are destined to drop to the ground.

I'm already looking at a pathetic little grouping below me and I'm holding on for dear life to the rest...

At moments like these, where I wax pathetically with tired metaphors and cliches, and to further succumb, can't see my hands holding on for much longer... I wish I had the answers and that comfort that I don't have.

I'm unsettled and I hate it. And I literally cry for attention and I'm "TOO available". For once, I just wish that those people that I wonder about wonder about me too, enough to the point that they'd reach out to me. For a split second.

I miss you to death, but for this very moment, for once, I'm not strong enough to call you and plan something and make sure everyone's okay with the situation and try to hold onto tradition or do something new... I can't do it right now. I'm tired.

I hate this feeling. I hate losing things that there is NO EXCUSE to lose. I hate even more the feeling that if I don't try, you'll just as soon forget about me.

I'm sorry. Hibernation mode begins again, don't worry.

I still miss you.

Fuck me for still being emotional over something I have no control over in my life. Everyone's talking about missing people lately and all I can think about is already missing you, and feeling more of a self punishing ass. And I know these things, I guess I just like it too much. I think I need a little bit of peace soon... and I'm determined to get it. It will be better.

my own little internet fame...

jason mraz was kick ass... i really enjoyed him live... and my jeans theory reigns supreme. skinny guys especially, you should buy yourself a pair of girls flares. SERIOUSLY. i would do you. and so would hotter girls.

i got myself a scanner/copier/printer and mouse. and some more CD-Rs... yeah baby. oh, and i went to the dentist.

i think i really am addicted to emotional pain. yeah, that's right, you could give a shit about me. you don't want to see me, you'd rather not be talking to me now... yet, i still try. i feel like i'm 14 again. dammit.

Wellll we got a new van last night. So no more beat up green van, now we have a shiny red one. Good stuff.

I downloaded a ring for my phone. Oh yes, so exciting.

Hmmm... Sex and the City obsession has been taken to a totally new realm of obsession, we watched 6 episodes last night! yes!

Tomorrow, Jason Mraz. I'm a bit excited.

Other than that, everything's been emotionally overwhelming. I don't know what is going on, all I know is that I need to get things to where I can be comfortable with them. Must do something soon. I am not going to be one of those other girls. Screw that.

Well I've had some monumentally nerve rattling things happen today...

We got into a scary car accident at the driveway of Six Flags, and our van is pretty much dead. Wow, my whole family made it out alright so that's all that matters I guess. The needing a new car thing is just kind of like grrreat, one more thing. I'm going to college... don't you people know this costs money? And I feel so bad because I buy stuff that is kind of not as necessary as say, a van, and I'm pretty spoiled. I have my new computer, my new cellphone and money to be spent on things like clothes and bedding and dorm and books... I just feel so bad that stuff like this happens and I can't do anything but I know it just adds to my parent's worries. But I must keep it all in perspective, it's just a car, and we will work it out, and it will all be good. My brother didn't die today. That's what matters.

On a much lighter note, yet disturbing nonetheless, I had a horrid dream. Absolutely painful. It was one of those dreams that are so real that you have to wake yourself up to know that it didn't happen. And this time it wasn't death or anything, it was just like my subconscious was pulling at my weakest heartstrings in EVERY SINGLE way it could. Like worse case scenario, with the people I want to be nice to me the most being the evilest to me in the ways that would hurt me personally the most, and then all of my "good friends" kicking me while I was down. Everyone abandoned me. And then I woke up. Ouch, it still hurts to think about.

Well enough pain for one day. Hopefully I can do all the things I would like to do tomorrow, in my "busy day" full of "possibilities". Nothing's rock solid anymore. Everyone dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful (damn you karrie, heather).

heyyyy what do you know, I can have fun afterall.

In fact, this week has been a surprisingly good time. Granted, it came out of a lot of sitting around and doing nothing... but I managed to scrounge up some of the highlights of a summer.

Cedar Point was fantastic. I really had a much needed blast. Ahhh... rollercoasters at night, they're like the sweetest thing EVER. Magnum after dark, best ride of the day, by far. I will never forget the line for the Millenium Force either... CHACHA SLIDE... mmmmyeah. The ride wasn't so bad either, it being sunset and all :) But yeah, Snoopy Rocks on Ice is an acid trip. Strangest thing, imaginable. Shit yo. But, all in all, it was mucho fun.

Wednesday was less exciting, I just bummed around... and then I went on a walk in the Lwood, encountering Sara, Brenna, Chrissy and then Jillian and Rosey... I looked like crap, but I felt a bit social for a while there, so it was nice.

On Thursday, I laughed my ass off. Allllll day. I worked a leisurely 11 to 4 and I got to spend it with Alicia Monica who was nice company in cracking up ridiculously. Jesse and David were back together again and it was the usual boob mayhem. But whatever, I can take it... Anyway, Alicia had a hilarious dream made even funnier having worked all day and being read to go hommmme. I have never laughed so hard at work. Wooboy. Then, on a whim, I IMed my good friend Nick and he ended up saying we should hang out... whoa, and we did. I saw Spy Kids 3D with Johanna, Greg and Nick. That was an EXCELLENT movie. It definitely had to do with the moods of the company I was in, and we were definitely making asses of ourselves, as per usual. We followed up the film with some Baskin Robbins laughing and some comedian on CD that just cracked us up even more. My cheeks, stomach and all hurt from the day of laughing. I much needed such a day.

Friday, I bummed around, then my dad came home from England! yes! Then we went shopping, and woooo I bought a 4 dollar purse from American Eagle and some shoes and a cute shirt. Got home, went to Truffles with Beth (Ahhhh too fat no room, yum) and then to Goodman's for a much needed sight of my long lost friend. I just wish I could see more of her... and actually talk and such. I miss her :(

And now, we've arrived to this time on this date in this seat. Tomorrow I'm going to Six Flags and it's supposed to rain. Ugh. I'll survive.

Little by little I've felt the reality that things are never going to be like they were and some things never change. It's heavy. Mmmm.