Well. I thought I should probably do this posting thing. My brain has had a little lapse in productivity since I obtained this sickness/cold thing and that of course just adds to my normal laziness and things like posting never happen. I'm getting good at retarded excuses. I don't know why I even make them... it just happens. They're mainly to convince myself that I'm allowed to put things off. Sick mind games occur so often. Yum.

Anyway... I had fun at Snowball. Crazy.. I just decided to get over everything and force myself to be crazy and have a good time. It worked. Not even the things I thought I would have trouble avoiding brought me down. I'm proud of myself. And I know everyone that saw me there is thinking, what a jackass I was, but I'm okay with that, and that makes me even more proud.

Too bad musical rehearsal makes me feel like I don't belong... still... that's my next mentality change hopefully.

Cough, cough.

Today I had a day of sleeping and coughing and feeling crappy.

I'm coming to school tomorrow though. As if you missed me...

Hmmm... shout out to Csilla for brightening my darkened tunnel of vision last night. Thanks :)

I feel so sick. Like seriously, I don't know why I'm up right now. Oh yeah, I'm going to babysit tonight aren't I? Yeah, that would be happening in a couple of minutes. Just what I need. Yay.

Well, I'm just going to put this task out of it's misery. Good night all...

In one of my depressed moments, I decided that I wanted someone to look forward to me. I don't know.. it just seems like I'm not.. eh. Sometimes I just hope that somebody is as excited to see me as I am to see them. Because I'm excited for a lot of people, really I am... maybe I don't show it enough, or maybe, I show it too much and they're scared because I'm creepy and loud. Ick.

I guess it all boils down to me wondering every single time I'm with someone I enjoy if they wish I weren't there. Sure, most of these wonderings don't come until after I have had a good time.. but when I'm all alone, I wonder about it. Hell, this even happens when I talk to someone... online even! I need to just stop these thoughts. I'm SO insecure it's scary. AHHH!!! Save me! I'm drowning!

Drowning... that really is a scary thing. I just started imagining actually drowning. It freaks me out. Can you imagine being totally immersed in something to the point where it slowly fills your lungs with each breath you struggle to take and eventually, all breathing is ceased and you die? I definitely understand why drowning becomes such a poetic premise. Sometimes, a human really is drowning in their pains or thoughts or needs or desires... and it leads them to a figurative death.

I hope I don't reach that just yet... I've probably been there before though. I'm a fighter though. You can see this in my manly ways, my disgustingly unladylike intimidation, and my ridiculous amount of baggage. Oh yes, I'm a fighter.

In most realms of living my life, I am content with being on my own and being who I am. I guess that's probably not at all evident in these little bouts of self expression that tend to come to me when I hide behind a computer screen. However, if I think about the way I go about my life, in comparison to others, I see that I'm not very dependent in many ways. But back to this self expression thing, deep inside of me I find these yearnings to be something I'm not... not physically or mentally but to be, in essence, something desirable. In these moments of "soul searching" I discover how inadequate I am in finding the appreciation I idolize. And yet the notion that everything I long for deep inside is not even probable persists and masks my hopes, pushing me back into my everyday logical thinking.

I never cease to amaze myself with utter nonsense.

So this weekend has been me all by my lonesome... home alone. Bah. And I didn't do much of significance with it either.

I saw the dance show on Friday, that was fun. We chilled after and before kinda too so that was nice. Erin, Jana, Rachel, Kim, and Sara are fun.

Saturday, I did nothing. I played The Sims. Oh, by the way, The Sims came on Friday... and it has completely taken over my life. I played for way too long. I had a phone date with Jana, and I ordered some Chinese at night when I realized I hadn't eaten much today (the room stopped spinning.. anyway..). And Sunday, I haven't done much either. I talked to Amy on the phone for a good hour or so and here I am.

Don't you think my weekend was exciting? I don't know why I even typed it all out. Lack of something better I suppose.

The dance show was great... and The Sims is fun... and I think I'll just cry in a corner over my pathetic life.

so yesterday I started to post about how I'm really not in hating myself mode, but it didn't get up somehow.

SO, unfortunately, I'm sort of back to that whole grrr... stupid valerie. Hey, do you think it might coordinate with dance rehearsal? Hah. Nah... I just had a really really nasty bad mood day today. And I don't even think Valentine's Day had anything to do with it either.

I hate Spanish.. and I was having heart-attacks over that shit.
People were getting on my nerves...
Stupid me.
Stupid me again.

And that's a summary of my day!

No, good things happened too... like fun times with Csilla and Kim at the science fair... and Sara when we were delivering carnations... and I got some fun valentines too. I guess that would be it.. eh.

I didn't get my Sims yet. Grrr...

Too bad I'm disgusting! Not to mention ugly... hideous... oh and my old favorite, FAT.

Ick.

At least people make fun of me in secret. Or something.

Hmm.. I have to make cookies tonight too.

Seriously, I feel like sometimes I don't deserve what I'm given. And the things I ultimately want are things that I will never have. It's depressing.

My feet hurt.

SO enough complaining for now.

Today was alright, nothing too traumatic. I hate Spanish, more than ever. Grrrr. Dance rehearsal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I just have never done anything like dance before in my entire life. So, I suck. But I think I'm getting a little better... possibly.

I waaant you to want me...

I think I may actually be in a good mood for once. I think actually, I'm in a good mood more often than not, it's just a fleeting moment that I realize it, and even then, I'm almost ashamed that I'm having a good time in my retarded life. Because I find it annoying. Sigh... anyhow.

Some people I am so blessed with seeing in my life. Sometimes they just have this power make me happy. Just by being who they are, saying what they say to me, standing near me, helping me out... etc. It makes me feel good. I'm lucky.

I hope I have something to offer. Sigh.

I need to figure out, also, what it is exactly that I am giving out as far as Valentine's Day goes. I know, I'm retarded, at least I accept these things.

Later days... hehe.

I JUST ORDERED THE SIMS. 2 to 3 shipping days!!!!!

I am oh so all for procrastination. Ugh. I hate homework. The idea of doing anything to that effect makes me want to vomit right now. Argh.

I went on a walk... walked my dog to be exact. It made me wonder if I'd ever find a guy to just walk with me one random Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I'm weird. Everyone looks at me when I have my dog, because my dog's all exciting and cool or something. You'd think I'd learn not to look like shit when walking my dog. Oh well, it doesn't even matter.

I hate Sundays.. I get so sleepy or something. I think I'm going to end this. Siiiiigh.

Who hung out with RC two nights in a row? Oh right, that's me. He's sweet as hell.

Mmmm... stuff. I don't know. That's enough I'm thinking.

I find it slightly humorous that I remain so loyal to slightly destructive yet thrilling passions. I was thinking back into my memory, analyzing the magnitude of my loyalty to this specific notion, and it truly has been constant in these last 3 years, yet often repressed.

I love when I'm cryptic with big words.

I don't know what makes me so damn loyal. It's different than any other... maybe it means something, or maybe it means I'm a sucker. I definitely accept the fact it's not the same on the other side, but I get my kicks so that's good enough.

It's just so rare that I feel like a female. I mean, I feel like a female everyday... it's just... different. I can't even put it into words. But I guess this notion brings out that different feeling.

Haha. Alright, I'll stop that shit now.

I was "elected" Key Club vice president today. I'm excited. I just pray that Dan will do the work. Some of it at least.

Snowball is fast approaching, isn't it? Hmph. Maybe I should work on that. Or something.

I so just want to live right now. Go out and do everything. Do everything I haven't done yet... especially the stuff that I'm a loser for not having done. But, before I can, I need to stop typing...

Well... I guess I didn't fuck up enough to not be in the show. Because, oh my goodness, I'm in the musical. It's completely crazy. Seriously. I'm so excited!!! YAY. Hehe.

Three days, eh? No fun. I wish I knew these things earlier. I actually had a dream last night. It was fitting.

I haven't talked to some of my friends in a while... I miss you :)

I think my mom is trying to kill me with Bleach. Ehhhh... I'm choking!!!

I love how I make one step in the right direction musically, and then go and FUCK UP auditions for the musical.

I'm trying to not think about how much I sucked it up, but it's pretty distracting. I try so damn hard, and then my nervousness takes any right notes I had far away, and then I make a sincere asshole of myself as I scream the stupid song out of tune. I hate the musical. I hate that it's the end to the year, the last show... and I'm never in it, because I CAN'T DO IT. It hurts so freaking bad. My heart breaks everytime I do this to myself. I'm so embarassed. I'm so humiliated. I'm so disgusted. First dancing, then singing. It's so destructive to my being. It would be so much easier if I didn't care so damn much. If this shit didn't matter so much to me. Damnit.

It happened. And whatever's to be, will be. Sigh.

I miss fun or something. I'm just experiencing stress and hurt. Grr. I'm just wondering if the people I care about still care about me. I keep on reevaluating my friendships and things because I'm scared to death they're slipping away from me.

Today was a lazy as day. I'm seriously considering just going to bed.

I slept in until 11am and that's too late for me, just 'cause it is. Thus, I was forced into a lazy day mode. I watched TV for a good 3 hours after I got up. Oh and I talked on the phone, and watched some Encore movie called Mr. Wonderful, it was good. Then I showered and got online before I had to go babysit for the Super Bowl. And then I babysat, and then I'm here. Exciting, huh?

I have so many random thoughts right now. I'm sure if you gave me a category to write on, I'd give you a long ass opinion on it. However, I don't have much to say off the top of my head.

Can we cuddle?

Well, today sucked a lot. Okay, not a lot... it just wasn't that exciting. I didn't do anything social today besides talking online. But I survived. Hah, it's not THAT bad.

I got my temps. My dad made me drive in the parking lot, I was pretty much freaking out about it. It's a lot to pay attention to, but it will be fine. My picture wasn't even that bad on the temps either.

I hate how I spend a night at home and I spend it listening to my MP3s which end up being this random collection of love songs that depress me. But I like them at the same time. Stupid me being a girl. Grrr.

Snowball is sort of stressing me out. I don't know if I'll actually go through with going. I don't want to go through the hassle of dresses and crap. I've never even bought a dress. But I really want to be pretty and have fun with my friends at a dance for once. I don't want a repeat of Homecoming these past two years. And I mean, I do only have these chances once. I was thinking about how much it's going to suck when everyone goes to prom except me. Sigh. Let's stop thinking about the future that fast approaches, because I get uncontrollably sad.

If you want to be somebody else, change your mind...

Or stop talking all together.