well i'm home. its not too exciting. i had some email to read and a card from hannah gallovic :) and my magazine. thats pretty much the excitement of coming home. oh and i had my rice cakes that i hid from my siblings (how sick is it that i have to hide RICE CAKES from my younger siblings?!).

i hate driving in the van without air conditioning with my family. BLAH. nightmare. we watched traffic (the movie, hah) on the way home, it was good. oh, and when we were in buffalo, we watched sweet november which was okay, but keanu reeves makes me want to vomit. so he kind of ruined it for me. anyone else acting would have made that movie better, my cousin picked brad pitt as the ideal replacement for jackass keanu. blech.

when i got home today, we went shoe shopping. i didn't get any shoes though. i talked to karrie on the phone for like a few minutes and basically just zoned out. i dunno, somedays i'm just very... quiet. or something.

i went on a long ass walk tonight too. it was good. sometimes i just like to leave. my cd walkman royally sucks. its dying. gr.

rami is awesome. just awesome. i don't know why i even thought of that, but he just is. i went to his design site today and i was just like rami is awesome. haha. you're a star, rami. yeah. and he fucking knows what kind of computer to use. hell yeah.

so here i am, online once again in buffalo. bah.

so last night, i went out with my cousin and her friends. we went to canada to a bar called ziggys. it was very interesting. i had fun watching people drink their beer and play pool and junk and i played some cards and talked to some people.. my cousin had fun shocking people with the fact that i am 15. hah. they all drive up to canada to drink. i find this amusing. i don't know why really.. i just think it would be funny if we had that option where we live. yeah.

i met this really cool kid, angelo that is my cousin's friend and he's the kind of person that i know that i would never have the opportunity to meet in any other circumstance, because of what he does and what he's about. i found him very entertaining though, and he was cool, ordering me water at the bar and "shooting the shit" with me. awe. so he gets props. and my cousin's other friends were cool too. i had fun with them.

today we went to niagara falls, on the maid of the mist. it was nice.

hm. tomorrow i come home. i just kinda ran out of things to say... oh well. goodnight.

well.. i'm in grand island, ny typing on my cousin's computer. figures. she's working at the wooden shoe gift shop at the moment.. they sell niagara falls souvenirs. she should be home soon. maybe. we didn't go out last night because i'm underage and i wouldn't want to drink anyway. ah, canada. she goes up there to party.

i've been thinking about some stuff and some people and everything, and they're right that i have a pathetic life. i don't act like i'm the only one with problems though, and if you get that impression you obviously don't talk to me anymore. and i'm positive there are people suffering much more than i am. and i care about them. believe it or not, my worst problems are problems that i wouldn't open up to the world on here.. and i don't even react to anything that truly hurts me on here. there's more to me that no one knows. but i'm not crying for attention either. i don't deserve the people that care. bah.

damn you for haunting me.. i care so much about you. damn me. i've had three nightmares in the past week about you. hah. fuck this.

nights like these help me to know that leah and i will be friends forever. however long "forever" is and how ever far you can stretch "friends", but we will be. thank you leah.

today we went fundraising. it was dumb. i talked to people. i wrote a corny letter to hit up people for money. i just wanna get it done.

i'm getting a bagel at 11 am.

i am also leaving for the weekend. be back monday. "buffalo" here i come. grand island, ny. woo.

it is such a beautiful night. wow.

i'm a very weak girl lately. i'm just trying to be human. and just live. and i'm trying to grow and love and have fun as well. i don't know what else i can do. i can't figure out what is expected of me.

i don't have a job because i'm 15. and leah is hot. i agree.

night time + bubbles = good.

tonight i went out with karrie and kate foote and heather. i had fun. got fat. I GOT SOME ICE CREAM. it was yummmy. we saw amy, she is yummy. its funny how you can go so far when in a car and time goes much slower. hah.

i can't even begin to express the sadness i feel right now.

all of my mp3s are gone. every last one from napster is gone, because i'm stupid. i am so upset you have no idea. they are all gone. all of them.

i can't even express how much joy those brought me. late nights with my random mp3 player. no more. i can't even get them back.

i'm feeling empty. lost. sadness.

so i guess the whole bug juice thing had to do with some type of illegal substance... at least thats pretty much the rumor consensus.

but enough of that.

i have been at home for too long. i need to get out.

for some reason, i've started to miss talking to random people from random parts of my life. i see them online and i wonder how they are doing but i can't bring myself to im them. damn instant messenger plays wicked mind games. i can't im anyone lately.. for fear of backlash. argh. i hate it! it consumes the most lonely and most social parts of my life. okay most social is a bit of a stretch.. when i go out, thats social.. but on a daily basis, IM has a lot to do with me being social. i've gotten better... i talk on the phone now. it's not bad. but anyway, i've gotten that 'i thought you were busy' crap.. and just know, here and now, if i'm online and there isn't some strange away message or anything, i'm not busy. i want to talk to you and i'm afraid of initiating it. the end.

i have these cravings that last for a very long time until i actually eat the thing that i crave. currently, i have 3 things that i crave... not together or anything, they've just accumulated:

1. a toasted bagel with cream cheese thanks to jay and silent bob who did not eat the bagels that they ordered in chasing amy.. i want it bad.

side note: i want to watch clerks, mallrats, chasing amy, and dogma in order sometime so anyone that wants to join me.. i'd be glad to have some company.

2. chinese food liz goodman doesn't like chinese. we went out to dinner a long time ago and we didn't go get chinese because she doesn't like it. i still want chinese.

3. ice cream amy works at malleys. i want some.

so thats my lovely list. :)

i missed bug juice on sunday. i am soo mad. christine called me today to ask me about it because eve and jen got kicked out of camp!!!! AH! if anyone can give me details about this, or if you have a thought as to why they got kicked out... comment below! (i'm such a freak.)

christine is obsessed with tomatoes. she's a regular tomato farmer. i find this amusing.

also, if you have any questions about drug habits of anyone, i can fill you in now. hah.

if i weren't so impatient with this heat i would write more.

I wish I could be truly happy for once. But then again, every 16-year-old on the internet says that.

if i could think of the right things to say i would do that now... but i'm completely drawing a blank. one thing though. just to say it:

i wish you would have gotten to know me because i had things to offer you, and maybe you would be justified in whatever assumptions you make now. i was stupid, i know that, and i knew that the whole time. i just had this inkling of hope that maybe you would start to care about who i was and want to find my good qualities.

maybe you're right. but maybe they're right.

just my thoughts.

mixed lollies - all kinds of life lesson shit. heh.
the set-up and stuff is pretty corny.. but if you're in the mood, just take a minute to skim through it. it's good.

blah, i can hardly like move correctly in this heat. i don't want to do anything. just like sit. its horrible! i'm sweating doing this. shiiiit. i hate heat!!! heat index: 100+ SICK.

i would so rather be cold with a blanket than hot with an air conditioner. how bout you? comment below.

but i could use some ac now. enough of this!

MOTIVATING TOMORROW'S LEADERS TODAY.

i'll have what she's having. please. hahaha.

i watched when a man loves a woman. again. something about that movie that i have to put myself through it everytime its on. it's really good, but painful all the same. but maybe it's painful because i can relate... i think i just need it to remind me why i don't do stupid things. as much as i would like to let loose once and a while, i think it'll come without stupid things. i hope it does.

i'm such a jackass.

father: "so what time did you get home last night?"
me: "about 2"
father: "where were you?"
me: "the lavelles"
father: "who's the lavelles?"
me: "um, shannon"
father: "so you went out with some other girl's boyfriend last night?"

no dad.... bah. for some reason the only first name that comes out of my mouth is shannon. hm, maybe because its a female name. although i hardly even see shannon when i'm there... oh well!

i really don't want my parents to know crap. i don't care if they know stuff as much as i used to care, but i just don't want them to be all over everything. they'll know what they need to. nothing more.

just keep me away from a curfew and hand me a few bucks and some trust and i'll be just fine. you can count on me.

so today i watched some movies on tv and went to my dad's work to do my part in the family soccer madness. player passes! woo!

"i'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" - steel magnolias.

i would like to thank julia roberts for making some classic sappy chick flicks.

empire records is a good movie.

for some reason i couldn't get myself to sit through short circuit 2... hmm..

geez its hot. i'm so glad i can only get myself to wear jeans in public. i guess this doesn't count as public.. but still.. they're comfortable.

i'm starting to realize that its so much easier to have tons of nice things to say to a person when you haven't really gotten to know them. you just see them in action and they speak to you nicely and are there if you ask them to be there for you.. but you don't really know them for what they're really like and you don't really say nice things about them because you're friends. you just say them because you think they're good people, from afar.

when you start to really know someone and be close to someone, and you are able to hold onto that admiration and respect.. thats when you know that the person is truly increbible. and that is when the nice things that are said really mean something.

but yeah.. that just came to mind with a few people i used to admire a great deal.. and now i realize it can be better than that. if that makes any sense.... hah.

hmph.

i went to kara's grad party with jillian. that was interesting. i like being with jill though. i missed her, and everything. i hope we can hang out again sometime.. for longer too.

i also went to see much ado about nothing again. it was very good. i like that show a lot. it's a good atmosphere, great actors, funny show. it was definetly even better to be with people this time. those people make things even better.

after that we hung out. ha. 7-11 by tops can suck my dick. your slurpees make me want to hurt someone. grrrrr. hehehe. watching tetris becomes very painful after awhile. but i had fun.

wow i needed something i didn't get tonight. i'm ready. i'm waiting. pleeeease. if only i really was seductive. hah.
i just wanna have fun. i mean, i'm having fun... but i just wanna have... more fun. hahahahah. i don't know. blah.
sometimes i just have this desire to play. and thats a side of me that rarely shows. so yeah. you're all shocked. who knows. i think i'll shut up now though.

i love fruit salad. i accidentally had a mountain dew at about 1am. that's a problem.

hey, all you people with blogs, i just thought i'd let you know that they just added a lot of new templates so you can change the way your blog looks by going to "choose a new template" after clicking on template. and you can have a snazzy new look. hah.

too bad i don't have a bad memory. (see below)

``Happiness is good health and a bad memory.'' - Ingrid Bergman

well i'm feeling better after all that sleep. FINALLY.

it took me a year to even think about moving on. it took me a year to stop calling and trying and crying. but i still do, just not daily. i know by many people i'm seen as the bitch, the only one doing anything wrong or painful because when i do things they're a little more outward and visable. because it's me. one problem with our friendship or what friendship we used to have is that that is how it always was. because i say it. because i do it. and people see it.

the thing that really is horrible about these things is that its the bitching and venting side of it all. and it makes it that much more painful because you don't realize that the reason behind it all is that we do care about each other and we are hurt by each other. and then people see it. and then i am the bitch. or she is the bitch. depending on who's responding.

just know that i hate this. all of this. and i really do care. despite whats necessarily seen.

and i had a wonderful day yesterday that ended in tears. know that too. i guess i just need reminders of how horrible i am. it's fine though. it's a two way street right?

today i have been physically sick. all day. i slept. and i still don't feel better. my head is like a 100 pounds right now, and i've had trouble holding it up all day. so i'm probably going to forego the next 3 hours of being up and online. i know you'll miss me. HAH.

"i'm not a man, i'm a security gaurd and i can spot hoop-la from a mile away." - kids in the hall

i got a kick out of that. hah.

i hate when i'm so allergic that it makes me feel like i'm tired even though i just woke up. it's like the only thing i can get myself to do is lie down and close my eyes. my eyes are open now though, they hurt, but still.

i decided i'm having a cleansing day. from this point in time until i go to bed, the only beverage i will drink is water and i will drink lots of it. sometimes that helps with the allergies. damn i need a new kind of medication or something. people aren't supposed to be living like this now a days. geeez.

wow i have to pee already. hahaha. and now here's water glass number three. i'm feeling better already.

sigh. i just don't even know what's going on.. but i don't really know if its worth the analyzing. me sitting here by myself typing takes it no where. so its pointless.

liz goodman's leaving. lizzzyville. it's sad.

holy shit. could this day be any longer. i guess since its friday the day's over... but whatever. it was long.

got up at 8 and cleaned and baked and stuff. then at 12:45pm we all left our homes to head for party station. that was funny. also fun. i really enjoy those people. and jenny pierce gave us discounts. hell yeah.

we decorated my house. i was really proud of it. it looked good. we also filled up water balloons. haha. we also listened to my brother's rap while he walked around in amy's hula skirt and with a flower behind his ear. i just had to write that down so i wouldn't forget.

the party was really good. i was all nervous and worried and stuff but it was just very very good. we had SO much food. holy crap! it was also hot in my house. but it was good. everything worked out really well. i love those kids. wow. i love doing that. i love it. i love seeing them. i had a lot of fun. and a lot of fruit. hah. then they all left, and we cleaned up. and then it was all over at like 9.

i am so glad that happened tonight. wow. especially that fat naked guy we saw playing the piano. hah. i love that stuff like that happens. wow. (not the fat naked guy, the fun and people just being awesome and crap). like thats what its all about. i'm remembering that now. i need to. i am so thankful that i had that. wow. thank you guys. and my house isn't that bad afterall. hahahah.

no. this can't be wrong. it just can't.

thank you dave. i think i can just say the feeling is mutual. i'm glad we're friends. and seriously, about rick, i know he's a good guy. and that was just a rare day. dave's diary.

karrie i just can't even express it. thank you.

i'm sorry to all of you that i've hurt. i just don't know what to say anymore. i'm tired. so tired.

never mind.

the reason i wouldn't come is because i had a king and i kids luau. not anything else.

and my expression of hurt comes out as angry sometimes. that was an example.

more later.

so i hate not being invited. haha. betcha couldn't guess that one.

hmm. something about her having it makes the non invite thing crappy as shit. i wouldn't go, but still.

its the ever nagging not having an invitation. its like become this huge thing for me over the years. and thats what sucks a lot because she knows that. but i understand because we're not close anymore or whatever.. and she thinks i'm a new person or something. but it still hurts. i just wish i could get an invitation and turn it down. instead of hearing from someone who "slipped" to me that there was a party. thats like the worst thing you can do to me. bitches. hah. third time too. i guess i can get the hint. i'm hated. :)

i guess i just feel like we should have this pact that even if we aren't completely tight at the time we should still have the common courtesy of inviting. i couldn't do that to her. i really couldn't. but maybe thats me having no friends. maybe i won't invite your bitch ass. hahahahahahah. but i would feel bad. what a concept. i'm hurt. again. oh well.

alright enough of that. i'll move on.

today, i made jello, made palm trees, watched some dating story and 90210s that i've already seen, planned some shit, bought some meat and buns, started to watch a movie that was kinda boring, and got a phone call.

after that, i got up, changed, tried to fix my hair, drank some diet coke and said i'd be home later. hahaha. this listing thing makes for a hell of an exciting entry doesn't it?

i went to the lavelles this evening. jeremy came and picked me up. that was really cool. i sat in the basement and watched a little risk and mostly karrie's horrible tetris skills. then there was some kitchen time.. and then we went home. i like the lavelles a lot. each is very enjoyable in their own way. yay for them.

wow i am getting nervous for tomorrow. i really hope it all works out. so much for that good mood yesterday. i'm back in a funky mood.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Have you ever dreamed of being your own master? And of rebelling against people like me who try to tell you who you are and what you should do? Wouldn't you enjoy escaping the kinds of behavior that cause hardening of the arteries in laboratory rats? Well, Libra, after analyzing your astrological omens, I believe that this is the time and this is the place. A colorful destiny is teasingly pleading for you to merge with it. All you have to do is give yourself unconditionally to your deepest desire. Of course, that will require all your ingenuity, compassion, and daring. Strange that the easiest trick in the world is also the hardest.

damn rob brezsny's free will astrology. this one seriously makes me just think and blah and stuff. damn this mood.

i should sleep.

so. i had so much fun "decorating" my page that i didn't really blog anything. hah. funny. that quote idea really excited me. if you have any spoon quotes, give them to me. heh heh.

so today i was a teenager. because when i describe what i did i sound like one. sick.

"shopped, talked on the phone, babysat"

cept not really... but you know, whatever you want to think.

as i lay down to sleep tonight though, i feel like i can smile for once.. it's a rare ass good mood or something.

i'm having fun. thank you... you know who you are.

i would like to sincerely apologize for any fad comment i made.
people saying things about leah doesn't make me feel good.
having a friend makes me feel good.
interpret however.

karried.

amy's home.
amy makes me feel as if all is right with the world.
amy makes me smile.
amy makes me happy.
amy makes me not feel like a bad person.
once again i will say, yay for amy.

i never thought i would be put in the same sentence as karrie when it comes to artsy-ness. hah. i'm flattered. i guess ... ?

my days are filled with luau planning. goodman's home and boy are we working hard. we're not doing any fundraising yet.. prolonging.. blah. but we can do it, we will do it! YEAH! woo! this luau is a lot of work. i hope its fun. i reaaallly do.

ew ew ew ew ew my brother just threw ham at me. PIG IS GROSS!!!!!!!

it's really weird when you know someone that you're not really talking to at the moment is going to read what you're writing in here.

last night i could have gone out, but i fell asleep and decided to enjoy relaxation at home. its funny how much more enjoyable it is to be at home when you choose not to go out instead of being at home when you have no options. if that made any sense.

i want to be reading lots of books but its just not happening. its like i have no access to ones i want to read.. or something. so i decided i'm just going to read my summer reading books for now and hope that a better book appears and i can become well-read by the time i graduate. i'm working on it.. i think... heh.

hmph.

jillian's blog

i have the weirdest eating habits lately. i have strange cravings. maybe i'm pregnant. DAPHNE FUND. :)

i guess i kinda figured i would end up writing about this.. and i guess the time is now because for some reason i started thinking about it again. the whole thing makes no sense to me so i'm sure i'm going to be able to make zero sense of this.. but oh well.

guy. i can't get over. something about him. it's like a timeless attraction... it doesn't matter if he treats me like shit or is all nice or just ignores me. i'm still all mushy. it's really stupid. especially now. because i know he could give a shit about me.. and i'm not stupid about any intentions that were ever had.. and they were all very asshole intentions, believe me. yet i still sit here and when i think about the right day when i saw him or something, i just feel... all tingly or some shit. its so pathetic! dude get out of my head you asshole. it's so different than anything i've ever had in this way.. i've never been like this. treat me like the scum of the earth, make me feel unworthy and everything, and if you're this particular guy, i'll still feel it. don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm holding out hope or anything.. hell if you're a guy and you want me, i'm yours baby. haha. i'm joking.. but yeah. this is just a strange phenomenon for me. hmph.

"i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"
that line always sticks out for me...

put your name on the line, along with place and time.
so does that one... i wanna do that

ah. i love that song. ah.
hell yeah to random mp3s. nothing better than la vie boheme followed by here's to the night. hell yeah.

yes, i am a hypocrate.

these are good for whatever they are able to do for you. and that's different for everyone.

leah's diary:
Sunday, July 15, 2001
ew. ew. vomit vomit vomit. ugh. valeries diary makes me wanna puke. i guess she thinks i turned this into a "fad" because "my" friends (like two..) have made these. sorry, i guess it was allowed only for the ultra-cool barnstormers. why the hell did she tell me about it if she would be mad at me for spreading it? its only allowed to spread among them? whatever. that pisses me off. but hey, theres not much you can do about her, or any of them. just in a class by themselves. well as long as everyone is happy, right? hah.
posted by leah francescani at 10:45 AM

first of all, if you couldn't figure it out.. i didn't write that last entry. a few things in there were very uncharacteristic of me... but i guess leah wouldn't be able to figure that out, gee. i don't give a shit who has a diary leah. i really don't care. it has nothing to do with me, whoever makes them. many people had them before me.. maybe you would like to call them "ultra cool barnstormers"... gave me the idea. i told you about it because it was fun and i like to share things with you.. hah.

my only complaint about the whole thing is that its turned into something only for other people to read. because you give the address to everyone, it strays from personal to typing intent for other people to read it. and from that pours the "deep" bull shit. but truthfully, i don't even need to care.

whatever you want to be pissed off about leah. go fucking ahead. i guess i will forever be something for you to bitch about so boo fucking hoo. i wish so much that we could still be friends but its just so easy for you to get pissed off about what i'm doing. or whatever. i'm glad you have back up in your life. i hate this so much. i hate how whenever shit like this happens and we're so to speak mad at each other or disgusted or whatever it leaves this horrible feeling in my stomach.

7/13/00
why is it so right today
and so wrong tomorrow
i am always trying
and sometimes feeling success
until someone or something
puts it to an end
and my chest burns inside again
my stomach twists
my eyes cross and my fists
clench. hurting. again.
why can't i have it and have it stay
i'm never sure
i'm never happy
why can't i just be content for once
why don't you let me feel good
why do i let you run my feelings
it's all my fault
i deserve it all.
damn me.

2/8/00
make me forget
help me move on
please
force me
to erase
take this pit out of my stomach
fill this hole in my heart
kill this hate
fight these demons
that tear me in two
tell me why
answer my doubts
find my questions

it did then and it still does. dammit.

A Diary of a Kim

This is my friend Kim's diary. You should go there.

Anyway...

TONIGHT I WENT TO MELISSA'S GRADUATION PARTY.
It was totally and completely crazy. First Budgie was complaining to me about my friend, and she creeps me out. But at least I got to find out what shows we're doing at school this year: Dearly Departed and To Kill a Mockingbird. It'll be an interesting year. Karrie will be a great president, though. I'm excited about that.


Rami is cool. You should go to Karrie's diary that she is going to create. she might post a reason why Rami is so cool. If she doesn't then I'll ask her to. It's cool 'cause Rami is cool.

Okaybye for now.

--Valmalcalbalgal.

Thought for the Day - Associated Press

``There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.'' - Rex Stout, American author (1886-1975)

MR. LOEFFLER.

the end.

oh and also:

i am both a prude and a pervert.

explain that to me.

i have 31 people on the "yeah right" section of my buddy list. hell maybe you're on there. im me, pishahme, to find out. haha. its really very sad because there are always a lot of people on in that category. hmph.

i wish i had something exciting to be doing. exciting people to be with or something. i dunno.. never content i guess. "The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." -Allan K. Chalmers
that is so true. i have nothing to do, minimal things to love, and nothing to hope for really.. except the unrealistic. hmph. cept i'm not exactly sad or anything. i'm just not to that "happiness". whatever the hell that is. i'm really going to stop thinking about happiness and being happy because that is just stupid. i'm gonna have fun. thats all. i'm shutting up now. haha. i take that back, i have lots of things to love.. just not love but we've already discussed that... haha.

pickles are like the forbidden food. i like them sometimes but when you eat them around people they look at you funny. greer had the good kind of pickles and i ate them. yet i felt dirty. haha! damn the way the world works.

my brother just "scared me" by coming up behind me, me seeing him the whole time, and putting his had in my eye. that was just lovely. now my eye is all watery and shit. OW.

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy." -Robert Anthony

Rob Brezsny is a kick ass astrologist. Free Will Astrology

i hope his shit is right. it's very good. also makes me hopeful.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This is the week before the turning point that could change your life. Five years from now, you may look back at the second half of July, 2001 as the moment when you finally got a definitive answer to the age-old question, "Am I really a brilliant and lovable work of art?" Curiously, though, Libra, the next few days could turn out to be even more important than the mythic time to come. You've heard the folk wisdom that says genius is two percent inspiration and 98 percent perspiration? Well if you hope to ride a tidal wave of inspiration in the immediate future, I suggest you sweat an ocean now.

i wrote this awhile ago. i read it today. i like it. it's not about anyone in particular.. and i can't really think of anyone it applies to currently but i still like it.

wow you scare me
you pose the threat of invasion
the threat of breaking this hard shell
unleashing something in me
that i don't even know
i'm scared of you
but i love every moment
i feel alive
yet compromised
i used to think...
i don't know if i can anymore
because you changed it all...
but you don't even realize
and thats what i expected
i push it away
yet i still crave you

my dog's home. he didn't have to have the surgery afterall. he's really sad looking. they shaved his butt for the surgery so he looks really funny. he has red sores all over. and he can't walk right either. it's very pathetic.

hmph. i hate when people block me. ouch. that hurts buddy...

tom has a heart afterall. thank goodness he's restoring my faith in humanity and myself again. thank you.

communication means the world to me. :)

walking home at 11:30pm from liz's house is scary. well more like from lavelle's house. but still. it's scary. i had a whistle, and some silly string sprayed at me. i found myself clutching onto my purse like a crazy person. it only had like 7 bucks in it too. i was just scared. whistles make me feel unsafe when i walk home alone at night. another reason cat calls are no good. ahem.

i thoroughly enjoy meeting someone that knew nothing of you before you spoke and then having a good conversation.

here's
leah's diary. she comments on these. :P

"I have come to the conclusion that no one can help you, that you can only help yourself" - tom. i didn't know i was so in need of help. i guess i gotta go over analyze that huh buddy? wait. you're not my buddy. you hate me. right.

why does he make me cry. damn. damn. damn. damn.

i was under the illusion that i was doing good things. and improving myself. and making friends. and having more fun. i guess i'm not.

i don't know what it is, but him seeing me as a failure to give up on makes me think that i really am one. something about it being tom saying this. damn.

i'm crying and my brother thinks its because of my dog. i better stop this shit.

so my dog isn't as okay as we thought he was. the vet called and said he was peeing blood and had something broken deep inside of him and he has to get surgery. its horrible. horrible. i wish i didn't like the annoying thing so much, i could just be like, yeah put him to sleep. but i can't say that. i'm attached. and now my dads freaking out in canada about spending all kinds of money to fix my dog. damn clifton. damn leashes. damn other dogs. damnit!!! sigh. i guess i'm upset. hmph. i just sent tom, he who shunned me, a link to this. i hope we can be friends again. but whatever. i'll live. i hope my dog lives. dude. you should have seen him limping home. he was so scared and in so much pain... he tried to get up on the porch.. poor baby kept hitting his chin on the next step.. he made it up to me tho. and then i just held him. he was so scared. damn pets. they always break your heart.

so this morning i got to sleep in.. til 9. it was great. but so i go downstairs and get in the shower.. get out of the shower start combing my hair and hear my mom screaming "zack got hit by a car! valerie!" the first thing out of my mouth is "is he dead?!" i thought she said yes. i ran outside in my towel to see my dog hobbling up the street frantically with a group of people behind him. i didn't have my glasses. i was in a towel. all i saw was my dog limping. i was very lost. so i guess zack decided to sprint across clifton to visit a dog. he made it across and realized that my mom wanted him back on this side of clifton. so he decided to head on back over. the way back wasn't so pleasant. but he's okay now. at the vet getting checked... but nothing is broken. i gotta go now.. more later.

amy is weird too.

yes, finally this is working.

alright, so i have something to say, and i want to document the fact that i made this little revelation today. so here i go.

i have an extremely cynical perception of love and long term relationships. and you know what, it has been very deep rooted for a very long time, and i finally am bringing this out and admitting it. here and now.

i caught myself today watching A Wedding Story, which is a show i actually enjoy.. but i caught myself watching it and thinking "gee, how can they possibly last" THAT IS SO WRONG isn't it? i mean come on, i seriously have no grasp of long term happiness together forever... its bad.

i think that a lot of that comes from my parents' relationship. i mean they're still together and they both live here and they sleep in the same bed and they are happy... all that junk.. but i don't really envy that relationship. i don't want to be married like they are. i guess that sounds stupid.. i don't know. i don't know what i think about what they have. i said something to them about it once and my dad said in reply
"you're a dark child aren't you valerie". maybe i am. i just don't want to be like my mom... or like my dad. at all. for a million reasons, but in this case i don't want to have a marriage like that. contained in a relationship and a life splattered with sometimes disrespect and fighting. it makes me wonder if anyone can be together forever and still have fun and be nice to each other all the time. i think they're still in love... i just don't want to have it that way. i don't know. maybe i just have a pessimistic view of it.

but anyway, as i was saying. i was thinking about this, this whole view i have of relationships and realized that because i don't understand it (maybe because i have yet to find it) and i have this deep-rooted cynicism towards it... i am very very disrespectful to many couples i have encountered.. not
because i mean it towards the two people, or because i don't think they belong together.. it's just because i had this cynicism deep inside of me. and sometimes, i have been known to let that slip. and until today, i hadn't realized why i did it. i hadn't realized i did it until tom finally yelled at me about it.

i want to believe in love. i want to believe that there is some person out there for everyone to spend their lives together forever. i want to believe that ones void can be filled by another coming into thier life and sharing romance. i think i do believe it sometimes.. i just need to start bringing that belief into what i see everyday with my friends dating and everything.

so from now on, i vow to look at all the couples i know differently. and realize that things can be good... not always bad. and they could be together forever. and even if they're not, the time they do spend together is for a reason. and thats a good thing. not bad. i will not let my deep rooted cynic out anymore. love can happen.

so i would like to take this opportunity to apologize to a few people i know i have disrespected because of it.

definetly at the top of this list is tom and stephanie: i'm so sorry. i can't believe the things i've said.. not even realizing it. looking back, i can think of so many things i said like it was nothing.. but it was something... and i am finally able to understand that now. you have every reason to hate me for it all.. and i can finally grasp that. i'm so sorry. i can't say that enough. you're good for each other. and you'll be together as long as its good, and that could very well be forever... but who knows. and thats the way it should be.

amy: i know it wasn't a big deal, but i still feel bad. i respect all your choices in your relationship a lot. and i definetly respect your relationship in general a lot. i'm sorry for any comments i made.. cause i hadn't made these revelations yet, so know that i was joking.

leah: i never respected anything about your relationship with matt. and that was a really stupid thing for me to do. i've always liked matt and i've always liked you, so why not? and he did so much for you. i'm sorry for that. i hope that things work out, and if they don't you can find another relationship when it's right. i haven't said anything supportive about the break up either. i guess this is a perfect example of why i am not 35.. because i have no idea about this shit.

alright, well i think i'll shut up now.. i hope that wasn't completely retarded. and if you have any comments.. let me know. PLEASE. im: pishahme or email

awww.. i just read a little part of one of my entries just at a glance and i wrote "cause i gotta" and that reminded me of p-a-r-t-y cause i gotta. that was fun. riiiiight... i think sickly, it gave me a small self esteem boost. thanks.

i forgot to mention that my Gold-Bears are made in spain by Haribo Espana. that makes them 10 times better! HARIBO

my favorite things to purchase and enjoy are a 16 oz Dole orange juice and a 5.29oz bag of Haribo Gold-Bears the best gummi bears on the market. YUM. i just finished this little combo... it's sad.. all gone... :(

so this shit is getting crazy. i like mine and all.. and leahs is great but whyd she have to make it a friggin fad. hah. whatever. here's what i think is funny, somehow i make this girls life miserable and i've completely blown all acknowledgement of her off. i'm so proud of the non entity situation i've created. dude i haven't even heard her name so to speak until today.. with the damn blog fad. damn me for sharing the fun. i shouldn't have read that girls site either. i sincerely forgot for a second how much of a downer that shit is. not to say that i'm miss peachy keen but geeez. anyway. this is definetly reminding me of how far i've come. it's good to give up "fixing things". whatever will be will be. haha, there's my quote integration. sorry it's not a "thought provoking question".. you can't call those things quotes dammit. one last rant about that shit, just cause i gotta, i dislike people that try to be all profound. if it's meant to be, it'll just flow.. it won't be shitty cliches. haha.

a lot of the people i've been around lately have changed my perception of all that is friendship. it's so refreshing. i know i sound like a jackass and when i say shit like that it pisses people off but let me explain. i've been so lucky to have friends all my life, and very good ones too. yet i also now accept the fact that i'm so lucky to have lost friends too. because it forces you to change the way you look at it. it's so bazaar for me to be around people that thoroughly enjoy each other's company.. and don't have fun by making fun of someone else. i've just been watching these people that like each other a lot, and have real friendship.. and then they invite me along and try to break down my low self esteem shit. it's truly amazing. i love it.

maybe i'm just starting to accept the fact that trying too much is just bad. and i'm not saying by any means that i can't still be friends with my forever friends... i'm just saying that the trying thing doesn't work out. and i think that with a lot of them.. like leah and liz it can just happen without thinking about it, and we can just leave the shit at the door. some day. maybe soon.

so the king and i kids got the letters i mailed today.. i've gotten these crazy rsvp calls from the kids, and they are all like nervous or something. its so cute. i feel bad for my sister because we just went on a walk and i had two king and i kids come up to me and give me hugs and stuff. she feels really shitty about it.. and like the luau i'm having, i really can't have her there.. it would like corrupt the system. oh well.

for some reason i had this bad feeling about karrie being mad at me or something today. i hope she isn't. i miss her already. haha. no i'm not that bad. but i do appreciate her being around and calling me a great deal. i feel like if i say that i'm jinxing my friendship with her or something. it's weird.

i think i'll shut up now. i hope you didn't really just read that.. anyone. haha.

so now all of this is much prettier, and i can be happy and content with it... right?

so i'm currently addicted to these things. do you think its a problem?
i just read like all of these people's online diarys and they are very fun. and even if i don't even know them, i still enjoy them. what is it about this? it's damn voyeuristic america. and i'm proud to be a part of it. real world fan since i knew what channel mtv was. i grew up on this shit. how do you think i became such a wonderful human being? the real world. voyeurism. reality mediums. yeah baby. i think it leads me to have like zero inhibitions about posting on here... i don't care if i offend someone. i don't care if no one reads. i don't care if everyone reads. i actually would like all of you out there who enjoy this stuff to partake in my stupid life, as much as i like to partake in yours. online diary freedom! i love this. hahah. summer=boredom=psychome.

yayayayay

i'm enjoying this blogger deal. its fun.

i'm really bored... already... and its only 1:25 in the afternoon. yikes. i'm supposed to clean my room today. hahaha. my aunt's coming to town so my mom wants me to clean my room. i just don't understand it. my room is in the constant state of disorganization or something. like its the never ending project to clean my room all of the sudden. i think it's because i used to have like designated spots for everything.. and now, i just have been to lazy to figure it all out. maybe thats how i'll entertain myself today. hah.

so jill's booty call went well. nicole hates me more than ever. i don't know what happened there... but i'm just on her most hated list all of the sudden. oh well, no biggie. one more day of gym. i'm giving her a thank you card for driving me. maybe that will be sufficient.

so bob niery says tits as if it means cool. that's scary.

so this is really exciting. i'm bored a lot. so i'll type. type and click.

amy is fun
yay for amy.
she entertained me this evening.
thanks for that.
i had fun.
we went to ray cool's house. sick, thats such a pervert name. he has guns on his wall. but his house was very nice.
jeremy is a funny driver. but we didn't crash, so its all good. license is all that matters right?
that mocha has yet to wear off, so i am not in bed, although i really should be. it tasted like shit. well worth my 2 sacagaweas, now amys.. not rcs.
well enough of that crap. it was a good night... or something. no boy though. thats what i really want. damn. jillian is arranging a booty call right now. haha. i guess i can respect that.

one thing that i've begun to accept lately is that i need to stop trying to please someone to get friends and stuff. because maybe, just possibly, when i'm comfortable and myself, someone out there would appreciate it and want to be around me and be my friend. maybe thats the secret to getting a boy. haha, for me, its impossible still. but oh well :) i'm starting to accept that. i think this is enough for now. i enjoyed this!