woo. second h project essay is done. too bad i just finished it now.. loooks like i'll get what.. 4 hours of sleep? oh well.

so much stuff is going on. hello i am fucking busy as hell. i don't even know how i sleep. oh thats right i don't.

can you tell i'm over tired? i sound like an ass! hah.

i'm also eating ramen at 1am.. this is why i'm a strange person and i need to sleep.

well i should get going. maybe review some lines.. or MAYBE SLEEP. oh yeah that.

why the hell am i still here typing?

heh.

and life charges on for yet another day.

thank you for your friendships. i'm sorry for my times of weakness and hurt.

maybe i will actually get something done tomorrow because i have accomplished absolutely nothing worthwhile today.

i'm so damn sick of trying.

i'm sick of holding on.
i'm sick of hurting.
i'm sick of hating.
i'm sick of bitching.
i'm sick of putting myself out there.
i'm sick of hurting other people.
i'm sick of being rude.
i'm sick of the sugar coating and back stabbing.
i'm sick of caring.
i'm sick of disappointment.
i'm sick of no expectations.
i'm sick of too many expectations.
i'm sick of assumptions.

if you fucking care, come to me. i need honesty. i need love but i need to not be the only one who cares.

whatever. i just feel like CRAP right now. so whatever. i'm sure i'll get back to trying tomorrow. for some reason everything is just blinded by frustration right now.

i will say this though:
ned is just great. i actually enjoyed my car rides.
i am going to make this up to you karrie. i'm sorry.

i just feel like crying. i don't know the reason exactly. i just do.

i love how i'm actually listening to shakira's whenever, wherever. hah.

i just would like to say thank you. for it all and to you all.

i don't even know what to express. just... it's good.

i seriously love every single person that makes me feel worth it for a split second. i can't even say how much that means to me.

thank you for spending your time with me. thank you for making me laugh. thank you for making me think. thank you for talking to me. thank you for saying nice things. thank you for touching me. thank you for looking at me. thank you for listening to me. thank you.

"In the time of your life, live - so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite variety and mystery of it.''

i had intended on sleeping tonight. but beautiful surprises awaited me. hah. good times. :)

tonight has been a night of random thoughts. just deep thoughtfulness that caused a lack of productivity in me. oh well i guess.

music is magical. i wish i could sing. maybe i'm just retarded but i seriously cry when i hear certain songs. it's really weird how music and emotion are so closely related. i hope my children (if i have them) are gifted musically. because it's so cool. this is why i'm marrying someone who can sing. hah. i wonder how many times i've said that? too many. well i guess i don't have to marry him, he just has to impregnate me a couple times. alright, enough of this. who said i even want kids. but the offer still stands, if you're a guy and you can sing and you're hot and you sing to me, i'll do you. HAH.

i can't believe dawson's dad died. why the hell did i even watch that freaking show tonight. bah. i must say that jen's boy is pretty damn sexy though. and this is why he is on dawson's creek. so that stupid teenage girls can get allll excited during the sex scenes. oh baby. and there was felicity.. like holy sad dad theme to tonight on the WB. it was pretty emotional because it had a lot to do with relationships and getting embarassed by your parents.. i don't know. maybe i am just able to find all this sappy emotion because i'm retarded! woo.

what's wrong with me?

see, that question can have a million answers or it can have none. the problem people have is that there isn't just one, just one answer that can be taken care of.

why must i long when it comes to weird people like you. the one that has so very little to do with me. the one that its awkward. less awkward but awkward still. damn.

i think i'm doing a little better at sitting back and having it happen. i hope that works out for me. i just have intense desires to put all of my energy into someone, some moment, some object, some hour... and make it worth it. and have it be fun and meaningful and just... worth it.

i guess i just have to wait and deal and accept and cry and and laugh and hope and dream and feel and see and hold and have and help and do and say and be.

i wish i could have been in escapist mode a little longer tonight.. yeah, i confess, i find my escapes in scary places like the civic for a choir concert. i wish i could have seen it all.. oh well.. i got to see the fun part.

i don't know.

my face hurts. i was standing outside the new building.. like right by miss usher's old classroom waiting for my mom to come and pick me up. just tired and gazing out into the street wondering when my mom would actually show up. and BAM i'm absolutely smashed in the face with a football REALLY HARD. like my glass went flying. i was like in shock over this and i pick up my glasses which are conveniently smashed as well. lisa dorazewski came over and was being very nice trying to help and everything. i think i was like crying or something. it was very strange. mr. hinshaw walked by me and then i stopped him to ask what i should do and he took me into mr. posendek who came out and got some names and everything. then my mom came and we had to go to the optomitrist to get the damn things fixed. the lady's like "you tell those boys that they were lucky! these are $200 frames!!" it was funny. but alas, my face hurts.

today was strange. its strange.. but nice to not have to go to school until 11. i didn't get called on in speech, which is a good thing. but thats what i need to be working on now. no problem though. got our spanish presentation over with. chem test out of the way (blah). so i guess things are looking up. i just need to get the speech out of the way and i'm all set. goal is to volunteer tomorrow. we'll see.

i'm really not feeling all that great... my throats dry and my ears aren't working too well. but i guess this is just another way for my body to tell me i can never escape allergies, no matter how many medications i'm on.

i saw r.c. and forni walking down the hall together today. kodak moment.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARRIE!!!

i love ya lots and lots. thank you for having me at family dinner too. that was great :)

i need a new discman. bah.

i'm tired. of a lot. because of a lot. because its 1am.

maybe this is a funk i'm in. who knows.

i feel like i've just been out of it the past couple of days. like people see me and talk to me and i'm just not putting it together. so i apologize to anyone that affected.

i would LOVE to go to family dinner. i will definetly try to make sure i can.

i thought you asked what time it started and then what time you'd need to leave to pick me up.. but i have a vivid imagination and i'm sorry. not getting on the same page has been a frustrating problem for me with you lately and i have no right. it's just really hard to be home alone and have your family as one of the few people that i should go to if i need something. so but anyway. it's hard to have no transportation and something important and all that crap going on. i'm sorry.

i have a headache. i'm alllll byyy myyyseeellllfff. rescue me. bah.

here i go to take the PSATs. woo. i'm home alone til 7pm tomorrow night. maybe i shouldn't publish that kind of thing? hm. oh welllll. i went to bed SO early last night... i didn't think i would do that. but i did. so i'm well rested i guess you can say. i don't know HOW i feel about being up now. hopefully leah is coming to get me so i can actually take the test. i didn't do any where near as much prep for this test as i should have. cause i'm a failure. oh well. daddy gave me 20 bucks out of guilt. hah. if i was a normal teenager, i would have a party or some shit. but alas, i'm hoping i even see any of my friends at all this weekend. well. i'm gonna get going. have a good day.. or sleeping right now. :)

it all catches up with you on thursday.

Love thrives when neither partner takes things personally, so please cultivate your devotion to forgiveness and divest yourself of the urge to blame. Love is a game in which the rules keep changing, so be crafty and improvisational as you stay alert for each unexpected twist of fate. Love enmeshes you in your partner's unique set of karmic complications, so make sure you're very interested in his or her problems. Love is a laboratory where you can uncover secrets about yourself that have previously been hidden, so be ravenously curious.

horoscope week 2 of "new chapter in Book of Love"

new email address... take note and email me!! wooo!

for some reason i found myself in this pool of like old shit.. trying to figure stuff out or something.. which is so fucking retarded of me to try and do. so yeah.

"so in conclusion, no one will ever get through to you, time will tell, and this proves i am better than you. Have fun. Peace Out!"

sigh. i don't even know. don't even know. hell of a blur i guess. headache too.

oh well.... bedtime, maybe i'll have some more exciting dreams.

who wants to smush faces with peter and awkwardly fall to the ground? you can have my part in the play. its just dumb... but yeah.. not a huge big deal.

this play is just so funny. its just radiating fun and laughter. we're all just having fun with it. and even when we aren't it's not the worst. its good. also, this cast is like so sweet that its so fun.. we're just all like knowing each other and having fun even if we aren't the best of friends in the start of it all. granted... well i'm not saying anything here but yeah... ahem. it's very good. i come home with good feelings about it tonight.

hah.. my dream last night was possibly even weirder than the one where i slept over dave's. this one involved another dave.. whoa.. that's weird. and very random dave that i've never spoken to. but he wanted me. HAH. funny. it was a good dream though.. because even though it is a dream.. its still a good feeling to be like liked and stuff.

too bad i had a super fat day today. like hello i'm a freaking balloon. (are you guys keeping track of "my friend" here? i have a feeling this has something to do with it.. haha.. ah the female. woo) blah. i am fat normally however. i'm thinking i should work on this. but yeah. new topic.

as liz would sing.. i don't fucking care i don't fucking care i don't fucking care anymoooore.

OH! i so didn't get a chance to say happy birthday to jana today :(

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANA!!!

i love you sweetheart :)

for some reason i got into this whole mess of alternative boys with attitude type personal webpages. mass hot and not so hot guys in their 20s being all cool and shit.. like damn, i'm such a dork comparatively. it sucks to see it cause i'm like.. yeah.. i'm not anything.. katie kimar and i were talking about what defines us today (for some strange reason i got into a deep conversation with her today) and yeah. weird. weird crap.

i'm not artistic. i'm not all mathy sciencey. i'm not all writer let me not care about money. bah. what the hell am i even talking about anymore? yeah sweet.

my lines aren't going too good.. but you know i'm just retarded so it's all good.

hmm what else. stuff is weird. i used to have a lot more to like express.. like last year-ish.. and now i like don't. like a void of happenings that require analyzing and thought and all those feelings that bunch up inside of you and make you do things. but i don't know if that's a bad thing. i think part of the reason is my new "laid back" philosophy.. and the fact that i have people i hang out with and nothing really HAPPENS.. we're just in our own little weirdnesses and it just stays that way. plus, i've been TALKING a lot. like how random is that? to just talk a lot. like real talking. so i guess i don't need to be all emotional i guess? haha. this is such a great little peice, i know you're enjoying it.

that's another thing.. i just freaking ramble. BAH.

i need to be challenged by some guy. like challenged as in, yeah look at me now, and let's be all thinking and smart and phylisophical together.. just us. that's when i'll be able to have a boyfriend. when that random non existant guy comes along.

i make a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this shit too. i'm such a bad person. what is my world coming to? AHH!!! i'm falling apart! hah. no. i'm just on this new theme word: WHATEVER. that is way scary to me. i don't think its all true, but when it comes to this time of night.. and i go to summarize my day and try to make sense of what i'm doing at least in the first 3 periods of tomorrow.. i'm just like.. yeah, whatever. i'm just basically going to fail at life. oh welll!!! hahahahah.

i'm crazy.

i'm trying to:

1. go with the flow.. not get stressed even though there is a million things i need to do and be doing all at the same time
2. appreciate everyone and tell them that i do and not be annoying
3. just have fun with it. not think about it.
4. smile.

good list? ya? we'll see if i can do it a little bit. at least for tomorrow.

at any rate, i feel like i'm going to vomit. (damn the invention of "my friend") so i'm going to bed.

so that was a fun time.

chelsea was way late, but it was all good. we went to the mall and went to some stores. we decided we didn't have enough energy to go hiking in ae for long. so we went to bath and body works and got all smelly and then it closed on us (took the fake grass away). we got some pretzels and went to kohls to look at skanky clothing. and then we went to see SERENDIPITY. THE BEST MOVIE!!! awwww man that was soooo damn good. maybe i'll get all analytical about it in a minute. after that we were all mushy and we drove around for a while. we found lots of eds/igs fans being rich hottie asshole loiterers at malleys and taco bell. we drove by daves house a lot. almost got into an accident. got some gas. waved at amy. all that good stuff. good times.

so serendipity. i enjoyed it thoroughly. very important. very touching. very good. i'm so good at using good all the time huh? yeah, good. hah. anyway.. it does make you think (even though saying that seems very cliche to me at the moment). i am very glad that i saw it. and i really would like to see it again. i think that it had very important points.. although it was hollywoodified (see aren't i being good that i'm saying this? you know you're proud) the basics are something that i would like to believe. even though i have my cynicism... i believe in fate and destiny and everything. and i thought the cast was wonderful to top it all off.. yay for eugene levy. and john cusack.. sigh. so many goood people. there i go with the good again.

i know this is sounding stupid but the question of whether i really wanted to have a boyfriend right now has been perplexing me. and that was hypothetical.. don't get the wrong idea. but it has, and then chelsea said to me, "you know, i see what you're saying because you and i are both pretty independent people" and that kinda makes me think too.. because i kind of forget about that part of me.. or doubt it.. hm, i don't know. i think basically if i found someone that i could truly and sincerely be around a lot and love that time i'm around them and know that they feel the same way with me, i could do it. because i do have people in my life that i could probably be around a lot and love it.. but its lacking that mutual thing as well as the fact that they're just friends (mostly chicks i might add.. damn, i'm not a lesbian). but yeah.. i'm still in thought about this. i'm so messed up. hah. well i'm gonna get going. have a good night/day all...

there are a million people at my house.. ahhh! scary mom's side of the family.. i take that back, i love them to death but yeah. they're very different from my dad's side.. and i'm closer to my dad's side.. but yeah oh well.

today was fun. i ate too much pizza. it was good though, go papa nicks i suppose. i painted stuff... and had some fun with fun people. i like all of them very much. lots of fun. good people who are good to me is good. can i say good a good deal more? GOOD! wooo. alright i'm all done.

i don't know what to think about the whole guy thing anymore. something about questions and stuff kind of makes me think differently. i don't know.

but oh well. i think i'm going to the mall and seeing corky romano with chelsea (hah... movie.. ehhhh...) well yeah.

i think i'll just stop talking about things because i can't seem to find words for them.

my email is gone. so the above address, if you send me email, i won't get it. i guess for now send email to valeriek9@yahoo.com. if you really have any desire to send email my way. dammit i have to change so much crapola.

strange things running through my mind...

bah. i don't know what i think. about it all. talking invokes strange things in me.

well i have DSL. running and everything. let's throw a party for my internet obsession... because that seems to be coming up a lot lately. yeah oh well.

dude, i had a weird dream last night. i'll tell you about it. somebody take me out tonight k? anyone want a free ticket to the football game, i will join you. oh baby, i know you're foaming at the mouth over that one. i do want to do something tonight though. whatever.. no one's online.. i finally get this damn thing working and i can't talk to anyone about it! WAH! booooohoooo! oi. i'm annoying myself at the moment so i think i'll stop.

Love is never a perfect match of totally compatible saints, so don't let sterile fantasies seduce you away from flawed but fecund realities. Love is not a low-maintenance machine, so work hard on cultivating its unpredictable organic wonders. Love is not a wholly owned subsidiary of DreamWorks or Disney, so don't let your romantic story be infected by the entertainment industry's twisted, simplistic, sentimental myths about intimate relationships.

this was pretty much my entire free will astrology horoscope for the week. siiiigh.

screw the rest of my homework. i'm sleeping.

yeah so my stuff from the past couple of days randomly didn't publish. i dunno what that was about. oh well.

i feel crappy. like sicky. ick! and i should be working on homework right now but i'm like not able to concentrate at this VERY moment.

but yeah. too much not productive going on right now. so i'm leaving this. yeah.. woo.

i'm so tired that my eyes won't close. i have so much crap to do.. its like not even in my grasp right now. i guess i'll get by one day at a time.. right? sure. i like being busy.. but i also like sleep... sigh, oh well. as long as i am as dumb as i am now a days, i will be needing mad amounts of awake time to learn shit and be stupid. its great.

sigh. practice was good i guess. it has been better. i think it has to the fact i can't grasp the whole someone hating me but being all "nice" to me to my face.. and just yeah. i guess i'm just a weak person but i can't deal with knowing people that knew me hate me now. and that this is something people can tuck away.. this horrible hatred towards me. i don't know. it just makes me kinda sick to my stomach.

seriously, if you think i hate you i don't. anyone. i seriously do not. i can't. it's just.. hard for me to give myself to people. i don't know. BLAH.

i'm sick of whining. i'm sick of noone being around. i'm sick of everyone being around. yeah this is turning into a DISEASE. dammit. i was having such a good time. i am having such a good time. i just don't like certain aspects of things.. and it just sucks. ugh. what the fuck am i even rambling about.

i hope i have a good weekend. i hope i actually succeed at sleeping tonight. i hope i don't fail my chemistry test tomorrow. i hope i actually finish everything due thursday. i hope i have a little bit less of a puking feeling in my stomach sometime soon. hiiiigh hopes, high in the sky apple pie hopes.

thank you for the comments :) my deadness is increasing rapidly and heather suggests bedtime. she's smart.

be still my heart... the ending of clueless (the movie). siiiiigh.

i might as well take a nap.

i love how i get neither email nor comments..

neither nor, either or, n-eye-ther, n-ee-ther, eye-ther, ee-ther. y'all say that aloud to yourselves now and enjoy.

i have a shit load of homework, but it will all feel better once i sleeepy... right? you can come sleep with me if you want. hahaha. jk! i'm such a tease. HAH! i wish i had teasing rights. i'll go now. :-P

today i journeyed out into the world all by myself. it was empowering. hah.

not going to homecoming wasn't as bad because i felt like i had friends in spirit.. not like last year when i felt like i had no friends.

amy stopped by to see me before she picked up forni. awwwww.. that was so cute of her. thank you amy that was by far the highlight of my day. i had a dream that she left her camera at my house and it was this huge tradegy.. hah.

basically.. last night, i slept. and sat around watching movies as i was instructed to do. it was a free preview package on digital cable last night so i had a plethora of movies on the starz channels. wooo woooo. i also watched some iron chef and some mad tv. then i went to bed. and slept. right now MAME is on starz.. and i can hear the bad at singing little boy in the other room. sweeeet.

so i hope everyone had a ton of fun and i'm expecting long and detailed first hand accounts from each and every one of you.

i'm strangely at peace and have like major clarity right now. STRANGE.

the past two days have been enlightening.. and have made me realize that nothing is black and white. and things are different than i had concluded. but a good different, and i'm lucky enough to be informed.

and i realized that i don't feel the way i thought i felt. which is sweet as hell, because its like major burden of wanting is off my shoulders because i realize i really don't want it anymore. i'm happy with it. and i'm even more clear that i simply want to have fun. and open to whatever.. and expecting nothing. i have been working towards this... so i hope it sticks around for more than these few hours.

also, at this very moment i'm not feeling like crying because i'm not going to homecoming.. which is actually surprising. i'm cool with it. i do know that i want to see all you guys (in many pictures at least) because feeling and looking pretty is great. i hope i get the chance sometime. but its fine that its not tomorrow.. not like a big loss. one freaking night. no big deal.

wow i wish this mood would stick around more often. i hope it does.

jana is my hero. that was grrrreat. my feet are still freaking FREEZING. but it was worth it :) heheh.

communication is wonderful. and talking about things, just random things, for the past two days has been wonderful. i've been needing it. so thank you.

here's to the nights we felt alive. oh my goodness i'm not even thinking about it. you just watch me be a mess later this year. siiigh.

i'm sending mad love... (that's so real world. boston! woo. wasn't his name DAVID? hahahah. )

goodnight said the cow.

that was really good. thank you. i thoroughly enjoyed that. yay pep rally.. i mean... uhh... i feel less bottled up inside now though.. which is weird.. but yeah. good.

80s day was pretty funny. i wish i could pull stuff like that off. it was fun to see everyone that dressed up though. fun stuff.

i don't even know. i think i'm just putting off thinking about things.

i have to go be in a parade in the rain soon though. that should be fun. i hope its not too bad.. i think it should be kinda fun... but who knows. i've never been the the spirit parade. hah. i suppose i am niave.

i want to dress up pretty. oh wellll.

west wing was REALLY good. incredible. perfect. exactly what is needed.

i think i actually want to go to homecoming. arrrrrgh. even though its stupid. oh well whatever.

woo! that was fun. thank you sooo much for comedy play practice. and the sweeeet people in the play!!!

antonio and his dorothy.
valerie is a fat ass klutz that likes to utilize the domino effect.
holy gay man.
DAN CARLTON!

that was such a fun car ride home. they were waiting for us at my house! so mad we missed them. yay chelsea.

i just like on a whim straightened my hair. its pretty weird.. and its still got some wave going on.

i have to go do homework now though. :(

oh yeah, i tried something new today. it ... was ... interesting.

its so strange what actually puts me in a good mood on a monday.

actually feeling like i can converse with the kid. wow. and he even brought up stuff and i didn't flinch. i liked it. that makes me feel good. its retarded that it does. but it does.

not to mention all the other fun people who i love. yay.

college night was overwhelming.. so we ended up outside.. and ended up walking all the way around the school instead of staying in it. whoops! it was really good though. to be with amy. i'm fond of her. i like to talk with her. good stuff.

i like to see jana every now and then too. that is good.

so yeah. good.

wow, rare sense of weird.. but good. afterschool was fun. not exactly the me sucking at my part but... everything else. yay for talking. yeah thats something i needed.

i think one of my problems is my twisted view of friendship. it's getting better.. but it's not perfect. my dad used to tell me that i had it all wrong about the necessity of having someone. something about friends not being what makes or breaks you.. but what helps you through it. i have always had a strange conception of the necessity of friendships.. which is ironic. i'm working on it. the first step is realizing you have a problem.

csilla is cool.

yeah. i'm sick of whining! but i bet you thats what i'll do.

i wish i wasn't a retard.

i wish i knew what the fuck i'm doing saturday.

i wish i didn't feel like i was being made fun of all the time.

some guy mentioned they prefer pudge on their girls.. and i think, hm, maybe i should hang around him more.

oh well. life goes on. and i'm going to be okay. positive! woo!