today actually wasn't a bad day. it was like one of those days that you don't have THAT bad of a time that it kind of goes by quickly and you don't EXACTLY feel like shit when you leave the building. you may even be able to think of a few things your friends did or said that made you laugh. oh, what a great day of school.

oh well. its pointless to even react anymore. if you really wanted to make people laugh, or defend someone, or just make your point heard, why not leave a name? it's pretty cowardly to make assumptions and point out flaws without backing it up with a name.

no matter how true what you say is, don't try to spread your pompous, condescending views as this elite entity, because you can't. stand up for yourself. give a name, i challenge you to that. personally, what's said about me has some truth, and i would be able to respect that if the person(s) who put it out there had the balls to own their words.

at least i own my bitchy words.

"i know you're a heterosexual, i read your blogger" - dan lynch.

so i'm pretty embarassed with my audition.. but i'm trying to just laugh it off, and not care... cause what's the point. bleh.

no one is online right now.. what a strange thing. nevermind.

i'm sort of disheartened by the way some things work. it amazes me how two people could at one time in their lives have so much to say to each other and now have nothing to say. nothing. it's impossible to communicate. it's not like it's a horrible relationship between them... its just nowhere near the same. maybe nowhere near what it was "supposed to be".. if it's even possible to believe in that (i don't). but, i have read what was written in my freshman yearbook and just wondered why. granted, don't get me wrong, i don't think about this crap everyday or anything, and it sure as hell doesn't hold me back. but i do wonder occasionally, why does stuff like this just happen, and does it ever go back?.. i doubt it can... its just strange to me and kind of sad.

i am currently lacking in the expression of emotion. hmm.

csilla, although i have yet to talk to you, thanks for the comment, it is much appreciated. and the reason your name is the one that popped up first in my attempt at expression is that i was about to say something that i just read in your diary...

it is sort of strange to hear people have read this thing. like i was talking to my cousin's friend and she asked me if i was the one with the webpage.. i'm like uh.. what the? it is a very strange phenomenon that people read this.

i have also noticed that blog/diary entries waver in audiences. like sometimes people talk to the people they think/know are reading and ignoring those who they think/know aren't reading. and other times, people address an entry to humanity, to the nothingness that is the internet and all those who read it. very strange thing.

i will admit that my intentions in this whole deal have wavered a great deal since i began. i think a lot of it has to do with my own life wavering and my own priorities and happiness changing.

i think i'm doing pretty good actually, as far as people go. the whole hatred thing is pretty much gone completely. it really does take up too much time and energy. not worth it. i'll be the first one to admit that people piss me off and i can't handle them for a while, but i don't hate them.. and i do my bitching and i get over it. i'm avoiding getting too mad as well. at least trying.

i enjoy my friends. they make me feel good. this is a good thing.

now i just "need" a boy. hah. considering i truly have no idea what i need.. if i truly need anything, i don't know if there's too much validity in that statement. but sometimes (i think i'm about to paraphrase a britney spears song, god help me) a girl just needs a boy. that little something that's missing. hmm.. who knows. i would enjoy that feeling again. just the flutter and the excitement and all that good stuff. that fluffy stuff that teenage girls run off of every now and then.

yeah, amy's right.. i am a sappy chick. not really manly, very emotionally girly. weird huh? hmph.

well i have a million things that would be much more productive to be doing right now. let's go back to school. ick.

like or dislike the changes? be honest.

so yeah.

i'm not in the mood to type stuff now.

i had too much coffee tonight.

well i'm home.

i was just reading over the crap i've been writing from here in NY. and i would just like to appologize for the absolute shit it is. like basically, any points i've been attempting to make sound like shit. and then everything else is just worthless shit. so i express my sincere appologies to anyone who suffered through that shit.

and once again, i'm bored and online in NY. blech.

i'm not having as much fun here as i had hoped i would. i want to come home and be with my friends. oh well.

sometimes i feel like i don't even deserve that. i don't give jack shit.

oh well, i'm thankful for the beautiful things friends bring into my life though, regardless of how much i deserve it.

i liked the nameless comment under the vulnerable post. good show.

i saw harry potter today. now i'm in the club. it was very very good.

when i come home can someone have some fun with me please? hah.

i have a good life though. i really do. and i have people that make me smile, and that make me feel like i'm worthwhile. oh i'm so poetic. maybe pathetic. yes to the latter. oh what does this matter. i'm so bored. i know you're floored.

let me try that again.

i have good life despite all the whining i've been doing lately. it is really uncalled for, and i'm just being stupid. thank you to those of you who put up with it. i love you.

well i've managed to make this long without saying anything entirely important. oh whatever.

and one more time: happy thanksgiving! hehe.

i'm full of feeling at the moment. i can't really sort it out.

1. bored: my cousin went to a club, i passed on the fake ID.

2. lonely: all the reasons as usual.. plus i'm in NY on a foreign computer.

3. depressed: holiday time brings this sort of depression over me when i find myself alone.

4. happy: holiday time is happy time too. and yay dave and csilla.

5. excited: mashed potatoes.

6. lost: i don't know what's going on.

7. empty: shouldn't there be something more? somewhere?

8. perplexed: thinking is a bitch.

9. hopeful: things will be good. right?

nine's enough. i've given myself a headache over those anyhow. i think i'm going to change my blog layout when i get home... maybe.. who knows.

one day i hope to feel the least bit desired. i had another strange dream about desire. i forget the details though.

i'm kinda wishing i was home to like hangout with people that i don't get to see. but i'm not missed much anyway.

oh well. oh yeah!

another feeling is that i'm thankful. i'm so thankful for all you people that talk to me and remind me that i'm worth it every now and then and support me and make me laugh.. and invite me places and everything. thank you for being a friend. i really do love you. thank you.

happy thanksgiving.

i was walking down the hallway today and i caught a glimpse of this guy comforting his girlfriend and he kissed her cheek. it was so sweet. the visual keeps running through my mind. i'm so pathetic. and lonely.

i wish i could pick up some guy at karrie's party.. dude that would be sweet. i really don't feel like i can pull off being cute and flirty. or pretty for that matter. hell, female for that matter. blech.

i eat too much.

siiigh. i want a boy.

why must i want boys so much? oh so alone! woe is me!

oh well.

speaking of boys.. all you guys out there reading this, answer me this in the comments:

do vulnerable girls turn you on? vulnerable as in girls that need to be taken care of?

think about it.

well i was revitalized tonight. yay. i went to this thanksgiving service for key club type thing. amy calls me literally 10 minutes before we had to be there. it was fun. and then i was "kidnapped" and we chilled for some hours. talking and driving and stalking.. all that fun stuff.

special thanks go out to catholic boys, chocolate milkshakes and the loving marks they make, instant hand sanitizers, stalking, the shadow in the window.. ooo ow ow., vulnerability, turn-ons, reclining car seats, the glowing in the crotch, MOM, the look in the darkness, dominance (heh), and butts.

well that was a fun list wasn't it?

but seriously, i'm no longer "pobrecita" who has no fun on the weekends. because i was not neglected tonight. yipee. yay for amy. yay for the boys we stalk. :)

oh and i was thinking about what i said about dating someone right now, and i take that back. i could handle it. for once in my life i think i probably could. i just tell myself that i couldn't to shield myself from the fact that i wouldn't and won't.

but enough of being mean to self.

fun = good.

although i have thoughts on friendship.. i will end this for tonight.

i am the biggest loser. blech.

blah, 3 whines:

1. i'm tired.
2. i'm sooo lonely. although there are hundreds of little girls in the next room right now.. i'm feeling all alone.
3. i didn't go out this weekend.

so now that that is out of my system.

i saw legally blonde finally. it wasn't too bad. pretty corny. but i had that expectation of it beforehand. i was glad that she hooked up with emmett in the end. what can i say i'm a a lonely sappy teenage girl. just shoot me now.

sometimes i feel like all human companionship has left my life.

not to say i don't have wonderful people to talk to. it's just not... people i talk to. but its not out of conscious decisions that i've not talked. its just the way it has been.

so that makes no sense. but i think, to sum it all up, i have not been releasing lately.

this is an experiment

go there. be entertained, enlightened and inspired.

or something.

very interesting project. i'm impressed.

well yeah.

i haven't posted in a while.. and it's just because i haven't even thought about it.

that last entry was just an acting class excercise as part of this awesome movie i saw. it was something that just stuck in my mind. that is all. i'm not really all that cryptic.

anyway.

i'm kinda bummed right now cause i found out i didn't get the H i thought i was getting in ap chemistry. on his sheet he had an H for me. bah. oh welll. i'll get over it.

i'm feeling kind of lonely now that i have a free friday night with no friends to go out with. my freaking 4th grade sister is going out tonight and i'm not. something is wrong. i guess its still early yet. i mean i know its still early.. its just i've had no offers. hah. maybe if i stop analyzing it people will actually want to be my friend. BAH.

i don't even now how i feel about life right now. i think i'll just turn my brain of mush back into denial mode and end this.

senora sosnowski tiene pelo debajo del brazo.

you could be loved by me

i could be loved by you

i am such a fat ass.

wow. that comedy was so much fun! start to finish. i'm pretty sad its over. but i'm also so happy that i was a part of it. and holy geez how much fun did we have? haha. i'm really retarded right now.

soooo... i just loved this show so much. the cast and everything was just incredible. it was really nice to be on stage. thoroughly enjoyed that.

the cast party was fun. i was exhausted.. and everyone else was even more so. but we got through it. talking to mr. langenhop.. truth or dare baby!... trish being herself.. antonio the bartender... bashing people in the kitchen.. sigh, good times.

so we left a little after 3am. and mrs. goodman warned us.. and lo and behold we got a cop to yell at us! woo! that was WONDERFUL. hahaha. i don't understand lakewood too much.. but thats okay. chelsea was not drunk. chelsea was just tired thats all. she just wanted to go home. give us a break mister. bah.

well i'm sure i'll be sad in a few short hours but i'll try to get over that. i have to do some homework today. woo. but now, i'm gonna go lay down.. cause i'm up way too early. i had to say goodbye to my family. yeah.

wow.. it's going so fast.

i'm having a lot of fun. just thinking about this whole play just gives me butterflies and knots in my stomach.. but the good kind.

people were so nice last night! i can't even grasp it...

kiera and gerry were so awesome. i love them.
the howells made it! yay!
stacey and mayce were so sweet
natasha.. brendan.. marge... ian..
ben and megan!

siigh. it was a lot of fun.

i just feel so good right now.. and the show is going so well.. and its just fun. this cast is really incredible and i love everyone so much i am so happy. hahah. listen to me gush. thank you so much to everyone out there who said nice things to me.. and thank you so much to everyone in the cast that is just an incredible human being.

i love you all.

well here we go.

this went too fast.

i'm nervous and excited.

man oh man.

hah, i don't even know what to say about how i feel right now.

just.. here i go.

well. i'm surprisingly reflective this week..

there are so many things to be annoyed about with every single person you come into contact with during the day and there are so many reasons to be annoyed. i just wonder if its really worth it and where you draw the line between when it is worth it and when it isn't.

bah.

it's all messed up but we're alive. it's all messed up but we'll survive.
is it okay if i call you mine, just for a time? and i will be just fine if i know that you that you that i'm wanting needing your love.
spin around one more time and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
let me be the first to say i don't have a clue.
when there isn't any doubt about it once you've come this close cause you know
i had to fall to lose it all
you see i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue.. but yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen
i'm just out to find the better part of me
i would be nothing without you did you ever know that you're my hero
there's only us. there's only this.

goodnight.

the worst part about hell week is that you are constantly tired and have a million things to be doing but you can't get yourself to sleep and you can't get yourself to do anything productive. damn.

well i have no thoughts going on in my head all of the sudden. because you know, thoughts just make things worse so i might as well just stop having them.

riiight.

i am soo sappy right now.

i need to get some. hard core. hah! but i have no prospects... (and worst of all i'm married to you or something).

i have developed crushes on the lead singer of five for fighting (how random is that?), jimmy fallon, patrick dempsey, and colin firth (darcy in bridget jones's diary). all of these crushes are old men i will never meet. thats the way to be safe in your crushes.

one of my new favorite sappy songs is breathing by lifehouse. its good. "cause i am hanging on every word you say and even if you don't want to speak tonight thats alright, alright with me. cause i want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door and listen to your breathing thats where i want to be."

todays perks:

1. my mom bought bagels.

2. i watched this AWESOME movie with patrick dempsey in it. its called Happy Together. made in 1989. just wonderful. go encore.

3. talked online to people i don't usually talk to. it was fun.

4. karrie experienced dennis.

5. the third boy called my house. he has a very deep voice on the phone. it was sorta thrilling.

6. chelsea lost her keys, then found them, and we had a blast at malleys and BK and hollywood video.

7. BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY is a good movie. don't ask me why i put that in caps. its a very good movie though.

i also watched two episodes of trading spaces. i didn't put that in the list because i felt that if too many of my perks involved sitting on my ass at home by myself you would think i'm a loser. oh wait, i am a loser. i should have put that up there. but.. i don't want to have to change the numbers. woe is me.

sigh. i like people. sometimes i wonder if they actually know that. theme of some of today's viewing was that for some people its hard to show that you truly care about and love people. sometimes i am that kind of person. i can seriously relate to that. just know that i really do care about you. and the little things that you do stay with me... and those are what matters the most to me.

i completely forgot that i had written up an entire post last night and then lost it due to my computer's pissy attitude.

oh well i guess.

i just talked about how:

1. a truly intelligent person does not feel the need to tell people they're smart. or spit out their IQ or compare it to einsteins or complain about that shit. okay thats enough. jackass.

2. i had two dreams wed. night. one was about matt gallovic and i switching bookbags. the other involved a very detailed and HARSH bashing of valerie by miss hanson.

3. i have a boring life lost in being busy and tired and crappy at everything.

i think thats about all i can think of that i wrote about. i'm sure there was some randomness.. but you know you'll just have to wait for next time. or something.

i'm so tired... and just i don't know. i'm a fucked up human being. and i'm lost in my fucked-upness.

but i have shiningly fleeting moments of fun and happiness. and thats all i can really ask for.

my horoscope says i'm starting a positive new phase for the next six or seven months. um. we'll see about that one.

i don't see anything positive. but thats me. me and my fucked-upness.

i've been swearing a lot today.