I am mentally and physically exhausted. Things need to be happening for me... at least I have this illusion that I need them to be... BUT I don't have the energy, so I suppose all is well.

The worst part is that I have devoted my emotions to a very small relatively insignificant aspect in the greater scheme of things... and in turn, I've lost sight of all that other good shit.

I've had a great year. I have a great many good friends. I have been blessed with knowing so many wonderful people and having my own little things with them. I have reasons to smile.

The problem is, I look at the "great year" and worry. God, that word scares me. I *shudder* worry that something shitty will happen now.

But I just need to stop. If it's one lesson I've learned through knowing them, it would be that it's not worth it. And yes, it... being busy... having fun in the future... does apply to me too. Right.

I took Csilla's idea of being the shit out of yourself physically and I went on a ridiculous walk/run adventure through Lakewood in the less than ideal weather conditions. Nothing like being out for 2 hours on a colder than I thought rainy Sunday night. It was nice though.

I did a lot of thinking, and not thinking... it made me feel slightly better.

I realized how much I'm sick of the way things have to work out when you're in a high school environment. Especially for me. It's pretty damn shitty.

Ah get off horrid feeling of depression and sickness!!!

THIS SUCKS.

Geez... what a week. Holy crap. It feels like ages since yesterday, let alone the last time I posted.

I had a blast. I just love it so much. Sigh. Everything about doing shows makes me feel wonderful... and I'm not even joking. So many good things come out of these shows, and I'm so blessed to be able to do them. First musical, wonderful. It was a ton of fun... dancing and singing were a little scary for the most part, but I really got into it by show time. And the people are amazing... I love them all so much. So, even though my part was pretty dumb... thanks to everyone for supporting me and I have absolutely loved this opportunity.

CRAZY WEEK!!! Sigh. I can't even believe it's over. I'm not grasping it at all... Now it's all homework and tests, no fun.

How much I hate to be that foolish girl in those foolish girly thoughts. Well, I'm done with it... everyone... let's just say Disappointment has come through full force. Why must I go in circles and get nowhere in these situations? Oh well, I suppose. I'm better than this shit.

Back to Earth I suppose... I have a feeling it's going to suck.

It's nice to feel the support and affection of friends and good aquaintances.

Thank you.

Sucky weekends are made better when friends show you they love you anyway.

Geez, why must I feel like crying?

The weekend did not start out right tonight. It just sucked.

I hate being cranky. I hate being in a funk. I hate when people I love annoy the hell out of me. I hate that.

Why must I feel so good for an apparent period of time and put up with countless insults and jabs at me... and then all of the sudden I let it all go to my head. It amazes me how much I am able to beat the shit out of myself. Dammit.

I guess it's the usual... I get "hopeful" for no real reason, and then realize I was kidding myself all along and then hate myself for it. Why can't I break this cycle? And what the hell triggers these stupid revelations of foolishness? ARGH.

I get to thinking about thepossibility that I may be I'm not a good person... and I really don't deserve my life.

Wow, that's a depressing thought isn't it? Maybe life is just what you've made up for yourself... and it really just sucks... you're just delusional.

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. Mood swings of insanity I suppose. I'm just thinking. Dangerous stuff.

MY BLOG IS PISSING ME OFF!!! GRRRR!!!

I apologize to anyone that this thing looks like shit to, because it looks like shit. SORRY.

Why must spring bring so many changes...

Well well well...

I'm sort of lost in the hectic routines I have come to acquire. It's quite possible to make a big deal out of very small events, but lately, I'm too tired to do so. SO, I guess that's good? Right!

I was having a grand old time today at big brother/big sister... my flip-flop broke so I got to model my sweet character shoes complete with ridiculous socks and my coke museum shirt. wooo wooo!!! Truth is, I didn't really care too much. Good stuff.

I'm so much in denial. I am just trying to avoid thoughts of the end... I'm severely doubting my ability to let go of all of you... sigh.

Peter and I were talking about crying and stuff in homeroom today. Talking about the show ending and everything makes it too damn real for my taste. I'm not ready yet, I need you all.

On a completely different note, for some reason I've been marvelling at the stupid stuff. To explain, we all have really stupid stuff we like to talk about... and for the most part, no one REALLY cares, but on a rare occasion you'll find someone that is sincerely interested in your stupid stuff. As the interest grows in quantity, a person's enjoyment of you is defined I suppose. It also goes in reverse, we share different amounts of stupid stuff with different people... possibly in hopes that the people you share lots with are the people that are actually interested. What makes someone interested in another's random thoughts? Personally, I get slightly self concious about my stupid stuff... but that could just be me and my low self esteem having a party. But I think the phenomenon of stupid stuff is slightly more sacred than it would seem. On the surface that is...

Sigh, do you think I'm insane yet? I think my calling in psychology becomes more evident each day. Yikes.

And the EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD begins...

An entry from last "night" in the early AMs...

I haven't posted in quite a few days... lately days seem to run together. Horrible school, rehearsal, hanging out, sleeping, eating, watching movies...

I just watched the movie Life as a House. It was very good. Nothing like watching a good movie. It was also quite appropriate to be sappy with Chelsea, because we happen to do that every now and then.

My feet are still a little tired from my walking all over today. It wasn't THAT bad though... and I watched a wierd old skool tv movie after that so my weekend is complete.

It seems like I've been consistantly attempting to ignore the many prevalent things on my mind lately. Some issues are aching to be resolved... but the energy isn't there yet. Sigh. Coming soon from a Valerie to you...heh I suppose...

It's hard to know what to say when you want to find words for every little emotion and blurt them out but know that that won't get you where you want to go.

I waver from crying to smiling on the inside... I don't really have a reason either.

Sleep is nice... (along with "Life is weird" and "Sex is cool")

You're the only one who thinks you can't do it, Libra. Since everyone else has so much confidence in you, maybe you should have more confidence in yourself.


Hmmm....

I don't know why I've been bothering to post because I'm not saying much... stupid telling myself things. Hah.

Today was not too bad. I got my chemistry lab turned in - very empowering. Ew! I felt so violated today... this freshman was going through my stuff and trying to steal my pens and shit. Stupid people. I actually hit the mother fricken notes at the end of the show today, so that was nice. And I oh so enjoy the fun company I am able to keep at rehearsals.

I should do homework.

What made me really sad today was that I was greeted by a male Tabor in the halls but I never came in contact with my favorite one. Siiiiigh.

I really have nothing to say.

I think I'm just going to be straight forward.

I need to be my honest, open, emotional self sometimes, and I am going to do that. I just need to talk myself into it a little bit more. Sigh.

A day is as good as I let it be. This is something I've realized. I hate feeling like I'm not wanted or something. Ick. I'm okay, I am! I'm sticking with this. Oh yeah. Yippee!

:)

Welcome to Monday. Woo.

Well, it wasn't THAT bad. I had my share of a bad mood by the end of the day. I seriously need to get over my negative self image when I arrive at rehearsal. Confidence is sexy. I just need to learn this. People happen to agree with the talented Judson's notion... so I just need to accept it.

I'm okay. I have something to offer. I don't need to be the best. I'm enough.

Hmm... I had a fun vacation I think. I just need to hold these moments in my hand and realize how wonderful it really is.

I had a good deal of fun in Columbus with Key Club. I was really impressed by the organization, and I'm very glad I've become a part of it. Ryan Demro is awesome. Sara is loud... but very lovable. I love Kim. Dan and Tom were fun. Greg is awesome too. Amy is wonderful and she puts up with a lot of crap. She is a truly amazing person that I'm so blessed to have found. I also realized that my parents are good parents. They give so much of themselves to me.

You know what, I'm happy. I'm happy that I have so many wonderful people in my life. I was able to come to school today and feel loved. That's all I need. Thank you, all of you, I love you.

Maybe one day I'll stay consistent in these notions... hehe.

Oooo! I love you too, Heather. I made Heather's profile! She's great. Yum.

I love you all... lots and lots and lots!

Today I got to eat some lunch with Annie... woowoo.

I didn't do any reading of my book but I packed and stuff. So that's fabulous.

Hmm... I don't know, we'll see how tonight goes.

Phones are weird. Ehhh....

Why is home so cold? Ick.

My freewill astrology for this week is interesting:
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A muse may be a provocative person or a lyrical spirit or the mysterious voice of an autonomous part of your own brain. Each of us has one. Poets and musicians may be in more conscious contact with theirs, but with a little work anyone can access their personal source of creative inspiration. I bring this up, Libra, because it's a perfect moment to upgrade your relationship with your muse. If the current office-holder is unwilling to undertake a deeper, hotter collaboration with you, consider handing him or her a pink slip and seeking out a more enthusiastic candidate.

Who is my muse? Hmph.

Well I'm bored already... call me (deperate plea of a loser) yum yum.

Welp, I leave for home tomorrow in the early morning. So, that's good... I'll get home sometime midday...

Sigh.

I don't know what I'm even thinking about anymore. I'm sort of tired of fighting for things... if that makes any sense. Hmph. I figure, I'll just let things happen even more so than I had, and I'll be lazy. Aww yeah. Lazy figuratively mind you... not literally. Anyway, I'm retarded so that's cool.

One of these days things will happen for me, and it will be good. Right? Surrrre.

Well, call me, anyone... everyone... someone... I won't be calling you because phones are scary. Maybe I'll actually leave the house in the two days I'm home. I would like to see some people.

Damn, distance brings me doubt about many things. Argh.

I'm back at my aunt's house... and I'm bored. I think I'll go sleep pretty soon, but I thought I'd post first.

We were playing Password with really shitty teams this evening. I had my 8 year old brother as a teammate, and if you've ever seen this game you'd know an 8 y/o isn't exactly the best partner. Anyway, I was trying really hard to figure out good clues to get him to say these hard words and my dad made fun of me for one of my clues. He did his whole disgusted and disappointed at what I had done routine, and it really upset me. I hate that. I hate when I put effort into something and my father just shoots it down. Boom. And then, after I'm on the verge of tears, my dad gives the next clue to HIS partner, and he says the exact same thing I did. Now, if my clue was so horrible, why repeat it? So, in the heat of emotion... I said fuck you to him. I was really upset. It was a mistake. Welll... my father doesn't yell at me lately... he yells, but he likes to say things that are really upsetting more often. Today he said, after initially yelling at me and letting a couple rounds go by, "you know Valerie, I'm not over this. This is the kind of thing that will gnaw at me for weeks and weeks. This is the kind of thing people tell other people. They say, his kids did THAT..." Stuff like that makes me want to crawl into a whole and die. I'm sorry. I apologized to everyone in the room. I cried. I don't know. Family time just doesn't work some days. I hate that. I hate this. I'm sorry. I guess it will gnaw at me now too.

I'm a bad kid. I'm a disgrace. I'm a bad example. And I had my 8 y/o brother defending me the whole time. I'm a bad influence. Fuck me.