This week has been long and stressfull and it was only 3 and a half days! YES!

School felt like it lasted forever each day. My friend outlook is slightly disheartening, something to the effect that I hadn't prepared myself for it being "this bad" or something. It is just really hard to have very few of the people that actually still go to LHS around during the time I'm there. My classes are pretty full, seem pretty hard, and pretty annoying. It's great.

I hate to be so negative, but right now it's just boiling through me. I'm trying to work on it... but it's tough. It will come.

There are many projects that are started but not finished around me and it's sort of picking at my nerves.

Last night I got home from work and went to bed. I'm such a boring human being. Today was a fun filled day of family time. Alas, now it is over, and I'm home. Bored.

I see the negativity spilling out into anger in me... I just don't like it. I need some release. I haven't gone out in what seems like forever. Drowning once more.

Just like me to finish "in the nick of time". I guess it would be worse if I was still working on my journals/homework for when I go to school at 12:30pm today(!)... but, I finished at 11am! Woo! That was pretty much my goal anyhow.

I actually read both of the summer reading books. How crazy is that? I actually sobbed for like three chapters of The Poisonwood Bible. I think it might be one of those books that actually changes you. All books change you a bit, but I think this one has a lot. I can't really express it exactly but yeah.

So, I guess I go to school today. I wonder how that will be. Hmph.

Sorry about not posting, right now, my focus is elsewhere and that is where I will go now.

It really sucks to have a day off and have no probable plans. I had a crazy dream with pretty much everyone I know in it. It was like a exaggeration of the seperation. Not so fun.

But I was invited to a party in it. That was a plus that I don't have in real life. Oh well.

I need to read. I need to stop being so... negative... or something.

I feel this amazing stigma attached to people at college and talking to them, it's quite fucked up. I need to get over this asap. I'm bored of everything and all around bored. Hmph.

Perhaps I shall walk around Lakewood today in the strange mentality that I have at the moment and scare little children with my "old woman" looks. Or I'll just sit around here.

Welp, I'm getting my senior pictures taken tonight. Woo. It's going to be interesting.

Why must every aspect of my life be turmoil filled? Fuck it.

I planned the dinner outing that happened yesterday but for some reason the word "last" never fit into it all. I just deny deny deny.... and now, I can't any longer. Everything is turning upside down and flipping around and sending anxiety and puke flying every direction.

I can't even put to words how many things in my life will be altered now that each and every person that has paved my way to being okay with myself and happy for once is leaving. I'm scared. I'm sad.

All of you have made me so full, so blessed, so happy. And I feel like I don't even belong there, I don't even have a place but it still has given me so much. I just feed off this glow of your friendships. It seems all too clear to me that last really was a literal term, because, realistically, who am I?

I love you all so much. I could seriously sit here and type for hours about each and every person that is now moving on in life and into a different perspective.

I wish you all so much luck and love, and hopefully, I will have a little of that without you.

My siblings have these neopet things. Hmph. I need to shop. This is one of the few time I will ever say that! Sheesh.

Plans for tonight have changed from Fridays to Max and Ermas... story is stupid and long, but basically, I hate Fridays now.

Well yesterday was a good time. Work, Huron, Family. Busy.

I hate feeling so on the outside of everything. The friends that I have devoted myself to are leaving, and leaving me behind in many ways. I don't fit in anymore. I'm not invited because I can't understand. I'm behind. It's tearing me apart. I don't know where to be. I'm different now, and everything is too. I need comfort somewhere and I can't find it. No one can be there for me when I'm nowhere near them. I'm somewhere else. I'm alone. I want to cry but I can't. It has yet to come. I miss it all so much already, and it's not even gone. I miss it most because I'm not a part of it.

I think I need some Anni.

Sometimes I wonder about what music I could listen to to change my mood. It would have to be something pretty heavy to change this. I hate this. I feel the weight of it all and I can't get myself to move. To do what I know I need to do.

Tonight is a night where I feel that I'm drowning in a pool of my own unformed, unreleased tears with my hand reaching out for something to hold onto. But all the people I treat like crap but value so much more are passing on by, dropping in to say a quick goodbye and that is all. And in the end, I'm deserving these moments...

Have a nice night.

(holy mood swing!) [apologies...]

I have discovered (oh, I'm just that sweet) that all of these possible responses say you do not need a boyfriend. Rightly so, because, you know, NEED and WANT are very different things.

I had probably the most fun time at work today. I was exhausted and bored and whining for a lot of the time, but for the most part it was great. Many of my favorite coworkers were there, and we had a good time. It was way nice. Except for this creepy man saying something gross to me and then Ken thinking it was great. But we'll try to ignore that. Bah.

Last night/this morning was a great time. Dude, Csilla, I'm usually a late late person as well, but the whole work factor made that not work out. I sorry! I still need some mashed potatoes.

I made some Target purchases yesterday, it was quite exciting. I hope to make a few more purchases this weekend, although, I have not so much time. Maybe tonight I will go shopping. Right.

so I hate school. I got my schedule today. Whoopeeee.

As if anyone that reads this blog still goes to LHS:

1: Psych 2/Late Arrival
2: AP Govt - Schafer
3: Self Direct
4: Lunch
5: Symphonic Mixed
6: AP Physics - Wisniewski
7: BLOCK
8: AP Calculus BC - Altiere
9: AP English 12 - Blackie

Puke, I have school. This sucks.

discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com

Dude, I totally thought I posted since Bridgit's. But, I guess not?

So, I guess I can just say that these past few nights, this past weekend, thursday, and all, has been quite refreshing and fun. It's nice to feel like working is not the only thing I do.

I just need to keep telling myself that life is good and things will work out eventually.

I get scared about school starting, and then I get scared about college stuff, and then I get scared of doing everything I want to do. I'm scared.

My cousin IMed me, and made me pretty sad, but in a good way... if that makes sense. Like she made me remember how little summer this has been, I haven't had the fun and family time that usually comes with the few months of supposed freedom. And then she reminded me of the time I'm supposed to be devoting to college prep and decision making, and visiting places... all stuff I've neglected. And then I think, If I could I would. And then I think, how am I supposed to visit colleges if I don't even have my summer reading done yet?! But it was all upbeat, I want to be here to help you out, stuff... so it's all good. Just, emotional I guess. I don't know, I'm retarded when it comes to family.

Amy, Csilla and I had a wonderful date last night, which was very obviously without testosterone. We pleaded for it all night long. It was like return to 6th grade throwing the phone and calling guys. So strange. Dave actually came over though, so that was a bit better.

Volleyball on Sunday was actually a lot of fun. I'm glad I went. And the time spent with Jana, Jeremy, RC and Kim was thoroughly enjoyable as well. I didn't feel like RC hated me TOOO much. So that was nice.

Bridgit's was interesting, good food, nice to see the people I saw, etc. I enjoyed myself. And then I had a bangin' party at my house after a trip to Caribou. The party at my house was less than banging.

However, it was very nice to feel like things no longer left unsaid. I swear I already posted about this.

Alas, I should end my entry time and get into being responsible.

Well... hopefully I'll be going to Bridgit's grad party today, and a lot of people will be there. I doubt a few of the people I would like to converse with will be around, however, many I do enjoy will be.

Today was a long day. I had a good one I suppose. Many exciting and less than exciting things have happened.

Go me for a wonderful wrap up.

You know, I've been battling these thoughts... emotions... notions... dreams... for a while now. It's fucking scary that it seems a bit more tangible than ever before. I feel as though something is seriously wrong with me for pondering things. Alas, a greater amount of color has livened things up a bit. Even if it's for just a few days.

Anyway, I didn't really need an apology. I am unharmed, just slightly amused with a bit of disturbed thrown in there. I still love those who become sloppy, and I understand. Like I said, I have a high amount of tolerance. You're a big kid, you can take care of yourself and do whatever you damn well please, and I give you a lot of credit actually. I wish I could let go for a little while. Just no more talking about baby tigers.

(Not that being open and honest is bad either... hah)

Hey, and I can at least feel special about one thing, I'm #1!

Welp, I'm home alone for the weekend, so, entertain me and take me out of here. Heh.

Well! That was very interesting.

I am so confused still about the entire event. For different reasons now, but confused nonetheless.

Like I said long ago to Zach Lombardo, it's funny because the only time I can get guys to hit on me is when I'm in a room full of drunk ones. Ain't that the truth.

This time it was slightly creepier and there wasn't any big sober guy to make me feel safe, but alas I'm alive and well still. Fucked up shit, man.

I seriously feel like puking after some of that. The state of drunkeness perplexes me a great deal. It brings out this brutal honesty in people, yet this blatant jackass, and this strange useless, mindless dribble as well. It's interesting to decipher.

It's pretty hard to see people you care about at a low. But for some reason I tolerate it a great deal. Maybe it's just my founded coping mechanism. Who knows. It just gets a bit too much to handle at the later, lower points.

Quite possibly the hardest part is I see a lot of myself in that. Maybe even my attraction to that. And my equal amount of disgust and fright in regards to it as well. I don't know what exactly I mean in saying it, but it's strangely true. Once again, it makes perfect, strange, unreliable sense.

On a lighter note, it was nice to see many of the people there, and not so exciting to see the others. Shoes and sister rhyme.

I suppose that was a bit of excitement to mix up my dull summer.

Amy- I had another JD dream last night. It's bad.

Amelie is an absolutely fabulous film. Wow. I loved it bunches.

I was in such a negative mood yesterday it's ridiculous. I went to work with the most painfully I don't want to be here attitude. Holy crap. It's just not worth it. I shouldn't do it anymore.

I really want to say something. Say something to show that I care. Its always hardest when someone you care about on that higher level is hurting. I have no place in that. I have no right to say a damn thing. I have never been in their situations. I have never felt that dispair and disappointment. So I just hope that they know.

Time to see what the day holds... heh.

Lately I've been feeling very trapped. I'm trapped inside my commitments (work, family, sleeping, allergies, responsibility, caretaking) and it's summer. I'm already stressed out about everything, but trying to ignore it.

I want to be free.
I want to spend some of my money.
I want to do something crazy.
I want to be a kid for once.
I want to get my homework done, summer reading and journal crap.
I want to get my room organized.
I want to fix up my basement
I want to get my scrapbooks together.
I want to sew.
I want to finish my presents for people.
I want to visit colleges.
I want to know where I'm going.
I want to get ahead.
I want to read for fun.
I want to have more energy.
I want to see all the people I wish would call me.
I want to have a day off and actually do something with it.
I want to get my act together.

WHY CAN'T IT HAPPEN?!

I'm trapped.

This weekend has been outdoor filled. This is why I'm sunburnt. No fun.

Saturday was the all important trip to Six Flags for my dad's company picnic. I had fun I suppose. I didn't go on one ride. Scott and I did see the Tiger Island show, and I bought him numerous animal gifts. The Tiger Island show was slightly disturbing, but not too bad I suppose. We did the whole company deal and then we went home. Lisa and I went to the Arts Festival while the rest of our family went to the zoo. It was pretty strange. The festival was a good time, I bought random things for my sister, we ate Subway, and bought random books at the book sale. I got many a blister from walking around all day in not so great for walking around in shoes (flip-flops). I missed the Caribou deals though. So that kind of upset me. I did see the burrito though, good stuff.

Sunday I went to my brother's soccer game for Cleveland Crunch Jrs. It was quite exciting. I got the extra burn there. I went from there, through the Burger King drive thru, to work . It is too hot out to work. So I was at work doing stuff and then I was using a can opener and a sharp can, and cut my wrist. I was then rushed to the ER. FIELDTRIP! I sat there for a half hour or so, and they gave me a bandaid. So my new name at work is Bandaid Girl. Hooray. I didn't even want to go to the hospital. I just wanted a bandaid from the first aid thing at work. Alas, my cut is pretty nasty.

Last night was an extremely interesting time. I went to Rachel Kingsbury's house and hung out with her and Alicia Monica. Go work. Crazy stuff. We sat around and talked till 2 in the morning. It was pretty interesting actually. I guess you assume a lot of things about people that aren't really the whole story. Yeah. So that was slightly awkward but fun nonetheless. My wrist still stings... and I have to make it all bubbley with peroxide every couple of hours. Good stuff.

I reallly need to do my summer reading.