Woo boy, I had a thoroughly excellent weekend. My graduation party was perfect. As simple as that. Sunday was also nice, and I'm SO glad I went to volleyball. Goodtimes following as well... :)

scattered brain.
i make excuses
i fake excuses
i hate excuses
can i break excuses?
i want to see you
i want to hear you
i want to have you
can i say what i feel and feel what i say?
usually i do what i want
usually i say what i want
usually i freak out when it matters
why does this have to matter?
my heart beats
my heart beats fast
my heart beats so fast
what does that have to do with anything?
i am happy
i am clueless
i just am.

I've had a great couple of days, but I still feel the emptiness. What is up with that? It would be so easy to fade into these traditional relationships... it's weird that I think about that. I could have chosen a different path, and be in a more simplistic situation. I'm sure I would try my darnedest to complicate it, but in reality it would be a lot more work on my part to add hardships. But I'm thinking that what it comes down to, in the very end, is that I really couldn't choose anything else... this is how it is meant to be, and I couldn't be in a better situation elsewhere. As long as everythings alright when a week is up. I seriously was doing so good with not missing him... damnit.

In other news, I'm exhausted... I can't wait, I got myself 4 days off this week... I need to not work for a few days. I need to work on my stuff for Saturday hardcore. Fun fun. Everyone better come. :)

I had a whacked out dream today while taking a nap. It seems to represent that I work too much, the Fuller siblings are always fighting, some people from childhood never leave you alone and come out looking like Leonardo Dicaprio, and, of course, Ben Kaplan is the shit.

I am sooo happy that I'm not working tomorrow. I have a night, and a sleeping in opportunity. Fuck yeah.

I'm incredibly grateful to have people that let me talk and babble for long amounts of time, because it does a person good.

I need to stop looking at things so black and white - like. It's a useless endeavor that only brings about negatives and unfortunate realizations.

Sometimes, you make me feel beautiful, I need that.

Sleeeeep?

How did I get here?

I have a headache.

I had a lot of resting time and feel restless.

I am unworthy of your love... I'll find a way to earn your love, wait and see... ah, how I love those creepy songs that are optimistically disguised as pretty love ballads. Just can't get over it.

Random tears are flowing easily these last few days.

So the one thing I want to do hasn't been offered to me, and the rest... has. Hmm.

Penny for your thoughts, eh, I'm easy, I don't get no penny.

I yearn for talent. I hate that about me.

Yeah, still have a headache.

No one's listening anyway.

Happy birthday, Heather. I do love you... despite my inability to express such things.

Later days.

I think I may start a more formal writing series... to copy my peers, and write a few good tributes to those who mean lots to me. We'll see if that one happens.

I had a very hellish day at work today. Not because it was demanding in the normal ways of my job, just because it was out of the ordinary and long. I had to get up at 6 this morning, so when I got home around 3, I went to take a nap. As I drifted off, I thought to myself, wow, I wish I had those days of summer when I had absolutely nothing to do. I awoke a half an hour ago, and I thought to myself, wow, I wish I had something to do and someone to do it with.

And here we go with the summer torture.

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I handle life. I can't let it go... I can't breathe enough fresh air to have the amount of freedom that is truly at my fingertips. I just don't let myself. I started, sometime around the beginning of 2003, eager to live the way I want to live. In a lot of ways I've changed things that I used to depend upon and spend every waking moment slaving over when in actuality it was not giving me happiness. I made a change to the mundane operations of myself... and let go a little, gave myself a little break from being rigid. My grades slipped a bit, my devotion to friends and extra curriculars increased... because that's how I wanted it.

Somewhere along the line I've begun to need to change things that were never addressed. I seriously never once thought about my life being this way at the end of my senior year. It's what I want. It's also what causes new triggers to put up my defenses. Unchartered territory shouldn't be entered without caution. I HATE THAT. I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT. I need to stop. God, please let me stop. I give myself, subconsciously, to finding protection that only gets in my way. And I work exceedingly hard at sabotaging what I care about most, because I care about it most.

I've spent a lot of time saying and writing about my desire to really feel. Here it is. Bare with me I guess. As if you haven't already. You're amazing. Thank you.

Words can't say...

So it's over... and it just feels weird.

I have this problem of not being able to accept all of the weight that comes with graduating, and leaving a place that I had made my home... so I kind of deny it, and put the reality of it all into my little bank of repression and just enjoy the fact that I can throw away all of my calculus tests that I failed, and not return to the classes I hated to go to. I tend to leave out the whole thing about never seeing the people I love or saying goodbye to all those meaningful teachers, and priceless moments where I learned a part of who I am and why it was all meant to be.

I've kind of sectioned off my feelings that should be placed together, in order to reduce the load I guess...

I'm proud of myself. My dad said he was happy that I was one of the few kids that could look back on high school and say I got the most out of it. I think he's right. I did as much as I could, worked as hard as I needed to... and sometimes as hard as humanly possible, and I had passion for my friends and activities beyond all else. In small ways, I feel like I was recognized for my undying dedication and literal blood, sweat and tears... with my place in the honor row, my best actor class award, my bell for english, my service award from key club, my kiwanis scholarship, my nomination for best thespian... I guess I could go on with what is probably seen as a list of bragging, but I won't, because really, those are just things I can have as something tangible... which is sometimes important to me, as much as I shouldn't place significance upon it... but to me, it represents all the love I've recieved from the people that matter in my life. I am proud to have ended 4 years at a place with so much to take with me.

I'm weepy. Things like sappy songs and children dancing and cards and emails and meaningful gifts and going through pictures and more pictures... set me off. It's like this strange outburst of tears... or watery eyes... or a sudden reduction to silent depression that comes and quickly leaves. I'm only sad for a few minutes tops though, so it's not an overwhelming feeling, but I am sad.

I'm strangely feeling like I should consider the rest of my life. I think one of my major problems is that I am constantly catering wedding related things... showers, rehearsal dinners, and the occasional reception (that was saturday night). I'm addicted to people watching and consequently trying to decipher who they are and what they're about... you can learn a lot about people from this, and I've learned a lot about the tradition of weddings... they're quite interesting. So, to get back to what I was saying... I start to apply the situations to my own life, and wonder if I'll ever have one of these events and then I think of how much money I'll have and if I'll want to have kids and how old I'll be. I know, I know... too young, and I'm by no means obsessed with getting married and having kids and a strapping husband to take care of me and buy me a house with white picket fences... it's just one of those things I think about when my head is a little bored. And then, even worse, I went to my brother's (3rd grade graduate in Mrs. Marshall's class at Lincoln) class show and all I could think was, wow, kids are like the greatest thing in life... how wonderful would it be to have one that was part me in this world. I think I'll just say that it's self discovery. I am figuring out a little bit more securely what I want in my life. I used to say I wasn't getting married... and I wasn't having kids. I hope I'm wrong on both accounts. Sigh, I've turned into a cheesy girl all of the sudden.

I'm conflicted about friends. Sometimes I'm so mad.. sometimes I'm so happy... sometimes I'm mad at myself for not appreciating what I have more and sometimes I'm mad at them for not appreciating me. I miss them... in strange ways. I miss seeing them, or hearing from them, or talking to them, or being around them... it's weird. Maybe it's just because I feel like I'm out of the loop more than I should be, because I'm not on anyone's mind or I'm at work too much... but sometimes I'm really content with my surroundings, and the diverse people I am able to spend nights with... and I am so happy then. I just hate feeling lonely I guess, and I love my friends too much. Ah, if she only made sense. I'm happy though, cause I get to go to Goodman's party for a little while! yes! And I'll watch my favorite guy from afar the rest of the day. Ah, such an exciting life I lead.

But most of all, I'm content. It's been fun. It will be fun. I'm doing, for the most part, what I want to be doing. And I'm happy with my place in life. I have all that I will never deserve including new shoes (I just can't stop loving them!). I have an amazing family, an incredibly diverse group of friends, a job, and all the creature comforts a girl could ask for. And what's more, I have a diploma! HAHA! I'm no longer a student.. I'm an alumni of Lakewood High School.

Off to conquer my bed, and then work early in the morning! Yes! Hey, by the way, call me... try to conquer the setbacks including a non-message taking family, a seemingly never there Valerie and what's best, no callll waiting or voice mail!

Cest la vie.