I made use of my day... eventually. Bought some stuff from my good friend Target and had an excellent time with my favorite store Beth.

What the hell is up with Drug Mart anyway?

Nicholas Nickleby can be weak with me anyday.

Cedar Point BABY!

Alright then, I'm sick of sounding like a waste of space. So screw it. Nobody wants a whining friend.

Yeah baby.

I wonder what I'll do to make this day productive... it's looking like I'll do a whole lot of nothing... out of pure addiction to sleep and fat laziness. I'll keep ya posted.

I'm hardly working at all this week. How lucky, I have free time when it's the perfect time for me to feel lonely and unloved. Ah, lovely world.

I just watched Sex In The City (for those of you I have babbled to about this, I watch old school ones but I watch the new season when I can catch it as well), I'm talking the new episode of the week. Holy crap, I'm addicted. And I feel like I'm living vicariously through these old really awesome New Yorkers... beautiful, no less. Sigh. Amazing things conspired in this weeks episode. Yeah, no one cares.

I must not float along on whining and sadness... although every moment of my day somehow reminds me of the recently final end to my countless memories and connections with this place, my love. I need to stop this round about speaking, it is what gets me miles and miles away from my true reality. Damn me for doing that.

Well. I'm around.

Well, in order to move from the horribly depressing state this blog has taken on, I decided I should post that I'm doing okay.

I'm not doing phenomenally well, but I am doing okay. I'm a blessed little girl with many many things to be thankful for in my life, and I'm doing okay.

I love my friends. Each and every single one of you, even if you don't know I'm your friend, I do care about you very much, and I'm glad you're in my life. I'm okay.

I should breathe, and sleep, and I am okay.

I know I've said it enough to make you believe otherwise... like the drunk that says they're not drunk one too many times so you KNOW they're too tipsy to do anything. But seriously, I'm alright.

In other news, all I do is work and see people makeout and be all in love and shit. Haha. Perhaps They Might Be Giants are something I might enjoy. I shall experiment in this more. Thanks for the intelligent exposure, even though Karrie was crazy. I had good fun with Heather, Evan and my psycho friend on something.

Goodnight world. And tomorrow I will wake up, and put a smile on my face and show the world all the love in my heart. Yippeeee.

I don't want to be sad anymore either. Even that makes me want to cry. Damn.

I could never have you, I knew that before you did.

I'm definitely feeling that whole open wound thing. Ouch.

Wow I'm a word snob with no good reason to be one. Fuck me for that... I guess this is an apology as well. Sorry for being so stuck up, I got a shitty AP score to boot, punishment granted.

Well, all this time online and you wonder why I have yet to post... so here I go.

I can't put to words just yet my time away with Messiah Lutheran Church to the ELCA Youth Gathering in Atlanta. There are countless beautiful people within that church which are sometimes and for me, prominently, over shadowed by the hurtful differences and exclusionary ways of those who are not like me. Yet, overall, I came out of that experience and all of the amazing opportunities afforded to me with a lot I can feel thankful for. I learned a lot about myself and my faith through that trip and I also found new inspiration and the same old set backs along the way.

A day at the gathering is something I can't really describe to you... and for some reason I think its because I personalize it so. I made it my own in a way that is strangely hard for me to convey. I can't put it out on this at least, I can't find the hearts in all of the readers that I desperately need in order to express my feelings.

Beyond all that, I'm feeling lost... and burdened for reasons that I can't really place. I have some required tasks and some needed encounters that have not been coming together for me. And on top of all of that, I'm sad. I can't help but feel this way... I have bottled up emotion... I have desperate feelings of necessity and desire... and all in all I hate myself for standing still.

I'm sorry if I have pushed you away. I need you now more than ever. Hold me. Show me.

I pray that I will get the chance to let you know what's really behind all this... it's just a wall of weakness aching for your understanding.

I'll be out of town til Monday. Feel free to call my cell after 9 if you want to contact me for some odd reason :)

Off to OSU orientation... be back for friday night fun. :)

It totally bites to be antsy and not know what do with yourself. I have no clue what to do right now.. and I feel as though I'm wasting my summer away. Actually, that, I know I am.

Hey, you, kid... wake up?

Today I discovered that if I crawled into a hole and died, no one would notice. Seriously, my mom would probably be the first to know about it... but I could probably go for a good while without her awareness. Other than that, no one would notice. I guess my boss would wonder why I didn't show up to work. He might even call my mom. She would tell him then I guess. UPDATE My boss wouldn't notice because evidently he called to tell me not to come in today. My siblings, oblivious regarding my whereabouts (further encouraging the no one would notice at home), were unable to pass the message along to me til I had my uniform on and moved towards the door. Arrrgh.

I got my temps again today and bought a laptop. I get my laptop at the end of the month so it's not that exciting yet. Plus, it's a PC. It's a very sad day, the day that Valerie buys a PC. I'll go put on my funeral attire now, and venture to that dreamy place down below...

Throw something at me.

Throw yourself at me.

Wake me up.

Give me a sign.

I need to know.

I need to feel it.

I'm ready.

I live my life in a way that I'm always following the rules, enforcing the rules, or making the rules when they aren't set in stone.

I'm constantly looking for the rules too. I'm bending over backwards to find out how it's supposed to be done, and what cosiderations I should make.

8 days until my big 2 year anniversary of blogging.

I've been thinking a lot... haha, big fucking surprise huh? I don't know, I have very little direction. I want to do lots, see lots, talk lots, hang out lots, read lots, write lots, buy lots... but have I done ANY of that? nope! I'm a loser. I don't make effort to do fun things... I just sit around. I'm always working or tired or bored and uncomfortable.

Ian says change is in the air... ugh, that's so oppressive (and no he didn't say it in such a trite way... you know him). I hate how it's making me feel when I am sitting still and watching things fly past me, and friends move on, and kids grow up, and life's moments keep on coming... it just doesn't end, except when I look at myself, not moving. Now THAT's an uncomfortable feeling.

Life is waiting for you, it's all messed up but we'll survive.