valerie on ice

that's the new LJ, moving on baby.

goodbye and goodnight blogger. I will miss you spoons

i'm sick and working. oh right, no one gives a shit. see ya around.

I feel like I'm grasping on straws for dear life... it's so ridiculous. I'm not even referring to the generally "obvious" leaving of college kids and such... it has to do with my will to move on. I'm holding onto the damned tubular qualities of myself, things that I knew and didn't know about who I am and what it is that I care about, and odds that they'll drop out are as good as that they'll stick around for a while. And knowing foolish me, I'll be investing my valued and most tender feelings in the plastic nothings that are destined to drop to the ground.

I'm already looking at a pathetic little grouping below me and I'm holding on for dear life to the rest...

At moments like these, where I wax pathetically with tired metaphors and cliches, and to further succumb, can't see my hands holding on for much longer... I wish I had the answers and that comfort that I don't have.

I'm unsettled and I hate it. And I literally cry for attention and I'm "TOO available". For once, I just wish that those people that I wonder about wonder about me too, enough to the point that they'd reach out to me. For a split second.

I miss you to death, but for this very moment, for once, I'm not strong enough to call you and plan something and make sure everyone's okay with the situation and try to hold onto tradition or do something new... I can't do it right now. I'm tired.

I hate this feeling. I hate losing things that there is NO EXCUSE to lose. I hate even more the feeling that if I don't try, you'll just as soon forget about me.

I'm sorry. Hibernation mode begins again, don't worry.

I still miss you.

Fuck me for still being emotional over something I have no control over in my life. Everyone's talking about missing people lately and all I can think about is already missing you, and feeling more of a self punishing ass. And I know these things, I guess I just like it too much. I think I need a little bit of peace soon... and I'm determined to get it. It will be better.

my own little internet fame...

jason mraz was kick ass... i really enjoyed him live... and my jeans theory reigns supreme. skinny guys especially, you should buy yourself a pair of girls flares. SERIOUSLY. i would do you. and so would hotter girls.

i got myself a scanner/copier/printer and mouse. and some more CD-Rs... yeah baby. oh, and i went to the dentist.

i think i really am addicted to emotional pain. yeah, that's right, you could give a shit about me. you don't want to see me, you'd rather not be talking to me now... yet, i still try. i feel like i'm 14 again. dammit.

Wellll we got a new van last night. So no more beat up green van, now we have a shiny red one. Good stuff.

I downloaded a ring for my phone. Oh yes, so exciting.

Hmmm... Sex and the City obsession has been taken to a totally new realm of obsession, we watched 6 episodes last night! yes!

Tomorrow, Jason Mraz. I'm a bit excited.

Other than that, everything's been emotionally overwhelming. I don't know what is going on, all I know is that I need to get things to where I can be comfortable with them. Must do something soon. I am not going to be one of those other girls. Screw that.

Well I've had some monumentally nerve rattling things happen today...

We got into a scary car accident at the driveway of Six Flags, and our van is pretty much dead. Wow, my whole family made it out alright so that's all that matters I guess. The needing a new car thing is just kind of like grrreat, one more thing. I'm going to college... don't you people know this costs money? And I feel so bad because I buy stuff that is kind of not as necessary as say, a van, and I'm pretty spoiled. I have my new computer, my new cellphone and money to be spent on things like clothes and bedding and dorm and books... I just feel so bad that stuff like this happens and I can't do anything but I know it just adds to my parent's worries. But I must keep it all in perspective, it's just a car, and we will work it out, and it will all be good. My brother didn't die today. That's what matters.

On a much lighter note, yet disturbing nonetheless, I had a horrid dream. Absolutely painful. It was one of those dreams that are so real that you have to wake yourself up to know that it didn't happen. And this time it wasn't death or anything, it was just like my subconscious was pulling at my weakest heartstrings in EVERY SINGLE way it could. Like worse case scenario, with the people I want to be nice to me the most being the evilest to me in the ways that would hurt me personally the most, and then all of my "good friends" kicking me while I was down. Everyone abandoned me. And then I woke up. Ouch, it still hurts to think about.

Well enough pain for one day. Hopefully I can do all the things I would like to do tomorrow, in my "busy day" full of "possibilities". Nothing's rock solid anymore. Everyone dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful (damn you karrie, heather).

heyyyy what do you know, I can have fun afterall.

In fact, this week has been a surprisingly good time. Granted, it came out of a lot of sitting around and doing nothing... but I managed to scrounge up some of the highlights of a summer.

Cedar Point was fantastic. I really had a much needed blast. Ahhh... rollercoasters at night, they're like the sweetest thing EVER. Magnum after dark, best ride of the day, by far. I will never forget the line for the Millenium Force either... CHACHA SLIDE... mmmmyeah. The ride wasn't so bad either, it being sunset and all :) But yeah, Snoopy Rocks on Ice is an acid trip. Strangest thing, imaginable. Shit yo. But, all in all, it was mucho fun.

Wednesday was less exciting, I just bummed around... and then I went on a walk in the Lwood, encountering Sara, Brenna, Chrissy and then Jillian and Rosey... I looked like crap, but I felt a bit social for a while there, so it was nice.

On Thursday, I laughed my ass off. Allllll day. I worked a leisurely 11 to 4 and I got to spend it with Alicia Monica who was nice company in cracking up ridiculously. Jesse and David were back together again and it was the usual boob mayhem. But whatever, I can take it... Anyway, Alicia had a hilarious dream made even funnier having worked all day and being read to go hommmme. I have never laughed so hard at work. Wooboy. Then, on a whim, I IMed my good friend Nick and he ended up saying we should hang out... whoa, and we did. I saw Spy Kids 3D with Johanna, Greg and Nick. That was an EXCELLENT movie. It definitely had to do with the moods of the company I was in, and we were definitely making asses of ourselves, as per usual. We followed up the film with some Baskin Robbins laughing and some comedian on CD that just cracked us up even more. My cheeks, stomach and all hurt from the day of laughing. I much needed such a day.

Friday, I bummed around, then my dad came home from England! yes! Then we went shopping, and woooo I bought a 4 dollar purse from American Eagle and some shoes and a cute shirt. Got home, went to Truffles with Beth (Ahhhh too fat no room, yum) and then to Goodman's for a much needed sight of my long lost friend. I just wish I could see more of her... and actually talk and such. I miss her :(

And now, we've arrived to this time on this date in this seat. Tomorrow I'm going to Six Flags and it's supposed to rain. Ugh. I'll survive.

Little by little I've felt the reality that things are never going to be like they were and some things never change. It's heavy. Mmmm.

I made use of my day... eventually. Bought some stuff from my good friend Target and had an excellent time with my favorite store Beth.

What the hell is up with Drug Mart anyway?

Nicholas Nickleby can be weak with me anyday.

Cedar Point BABY!

Alright then, I'm sick of sounding like a waste of space. So screw it. Nobody wants a whining friend.

Yeah baby.

I wonder what I'll do to make this day productive... it's looking like I'll do a whole lot of nothing... out of pure addiction to sleep and fat laziness. I'll keep ya posted.

I'm hardly working at all this week. How lucky, I have free time when it's the perfect time for me to feel lonely and unloved. Ah, lovely world.

I just watched Sex In The City (for those of you I have babbled to about this, I watch old school ones but I watch the new season when I can catch it as well), I'm talking the new episode of the week. Holy crap, I'm addicted. And I feel like I'm living vicariously through these old really awesome New Yorkers... beautiful, no less. Sigh. Amazing things conspired in this weeks episode. Yeah, no one cares.

I must not float along on whining and sadness... although every moment of my day somehow reminds me of the recently final end to my countless memories and connections with this place, my love. I need to stop this round about speaking, it is what gets me miles and miles away from my true reality. Damn me for doing that.

Well. I'm around.

Well, in order to move from the horribly depressing state this blog has taken on, I decided I should post that I'm doing okay.

I'm not doing phenomenally well, but I am doing okay. I'm a blessed little girl with many many things to be thankful for in my life, and I'm doing okay.

I love my friends. Each and every single one of you, even if you don't know I'm your friend, I do care about you very much, and I'm glad you're in my life. I'm okay.

I should breathe, and sleep, and I am okay.

I know I've said it enough to make you believe otherwise... like the drunk that says they're not drunk one too many times so you KNOW they're too tipsy to do anything. But seriously, I'm alright.

In other news, all I do is work and see people makeout and be all in love and shit. Haha. Perhaps They Might Be Giants are something I might enjoy. I shall experiment in this more. Thanks for the intelligent exposure, even though Karrie was crazy. I had good fun with Heather, Evan and my psycho friend on something.

Goodnight world. And tomorrow I will wake up, and put a smile on my face and show the world all the love in my heart. Yippeeee.

I don't want to be sad anymore either. Even that makes me want to cry. Damn.

I could never have you, I knew that before you did.

I'm definitely feeling that whole open wound thing. Ouch.

Wow I'm a word snob with no good reason to be one. Fuck me for that... I guess this is an apology as well. Sorry for being so stuck up, I got a shitty AP score to boot, punishment granted.

Well, all this time online and you wonder why I have yet to post... so here I go.

I can't put to words just yet my time away with Messiah Lutheran Church to the ELCA Youth Gathering in Atlanta. There are countless beautiful people within that church which are sometimes and for me, prominently, over shadowed by the hurtful differences and exclusionary ways of those who are not like me. Yet, overall, I came out of that experience and all of the amazing opportunities afforded to me with a lot I can feel thankful for. I learned a lot about myself and my faith through that trip and I also found new inspiration and the same old set backs along the way.

A day at the gathering is something I can't really describe to you... and for some reason I think its because I personalize it so. I made it my own in a way that is strangely hard for me to convey. I can't put it out on this at least, I can't find the hearts in all of the readers that I desperately need in order to express my feelings.

Beyond all that, I'm feeling lost... and burdened for reasons that I can't really place. I have some required tasks and some needed encounters that have not been coming together for me. And on top of all of that, I'm sad. I can't help but feel this way... I have bottled up emotion... I have desperate feelings of necessity and desire... and all in all I hate myself for standing still.

I'm sorry if I have pushed you away. I need you now more than ever. Hold me. Show me.

I pray that I will get the chance to let you know what's really behind all this... it's just a wall of weakness aching for your understanding.

I'll be out of town til Monday. Feel free to call my cell after 9 if you want to contact me for some odd reason :)

Off to OSU orientation... be back for friday night fun. :)

It totally bites to be antsy and not know what do with yourself. I have no clue what to do right now.. and I feel as though I'm wasting my summer away. Actually, that, I know I am.

Hey, you, kid... wake up?

Today I discovered that if I crawled into a hole and died, no one would notice. Seriously, my mom would probably be the first to know about it... but I could probably go for a good while without her awareness. Other than that, no one would notice. I guess my boss would wonder why I didn't show up to work. He might even call my mom. She would tell him then I guess. UPDATE My boss wouldn't notice because evidently he called to tell me not to come in today. My siblings, oblivious regarding my whereabouts (further encouraging the no one would notice at home), were unable to pass the message along to me til I had my uniform on and moved towards the door. Arrrgh.

I got my temps again today and bought a laptop. I get my laptop at the end of the month so it's not that exciting yet. Plus, it's a PC. It's a very sad day, the day that Valerie buys a PC. I'll go put on my funeral attire now, and venture to that dreamy place down below...

Throw something at me.

Throw yourself at me.

Wake me up.

Give me a sign.

I need to know.

I need to feel it.

I'm ready.

I live my life in a way that I'm always following the rules, enforcing the rules, or making the rules when they aren't set in stone.

I'm constantly looking for the rules too. I'm bending over backwards to find out how it's supposed to be done, and what cosiderations I should make.

8 days until my big 2 year anniversary of blogging.

I've been thinking a lot... haha, big fucking surprise huh? I don't know, I have very little direction. I want to do lots, see lots, talk lots, hang out lots, read lots, write lots, buy lots... but have I done ANY of that? nope! I'm a loser. I don't make effort to do fun things... I just sit around. I'm always working or tired or bored and uncomfortable.

Ian says change is in the air... ugh, that's so oppressive (and no he didn't say it in such a trite way... you know him). I hate how it's making me feel when I am sitting still and watching things fly past me, and friends move on, and kids grow up, and life's moments keep on coming... it just doesn't end, except when I look at myself, not moving. Now THAT's an uncomfortable feeling.

Life is waiting for you, it's all messed up but we'll survive.

Woo boy, I had a thoroughly excellent weekend. My graduation party was perfect. As simple as that. Sunday was also nice, and I'm SO glad I went to volleyball. Goodtimes following as well... :)

scattered brain.
i make excuses
i fake excuses
i hate excuses
can i break excuses?
i want to see you
i want to hear you
i want to have you
can i say what i feel and feel what i say?
usually i do what i want
usually i say what i want
usually i freak out when it matters
why does this have to matter?
my heart beats
my heart beats fast
my heart beats so fast
what does that have to do with anything?
i am happy
i am clueless
i just am.

I've had a great couple of days, but I still feel the emptiness. What is up with that? It would be so easy to fade into these traditional relationships... it's weird that I think about that. I could have chosen a different path, and be in a more simplistic situation. I'm sure I would try my darnedest to complicate it, but in reality it would be a lot more work on my part to add hardships. But I'm thinking that what it comes down to, in the very end, is that I really couldn't choose anything else... this is how it is meant to be, and I couldn't be in a better situation elsewhere. As long as everythings alright when a week is up. I seriously was doing so good with not missing him... damnit.

In other news, I'm exhausted... I can't wait, I got myself 4 days off this week... I need to not work for a few days. I need to work on my stuff for Saturday hardcore. Fun fun. Everyone better come. :)

I had a whacked out dream today while taking a nap. It seems to represent that I work too much, the Fuller siblings are always fighting, some people from childhood never leave you alone and come out looking like Leonardo Dicaprio, and, of course, Ben Kaplan is the shit.

I am sooo happy that I'm not working tomorrow. I have a night, and a sleeping in opportunity. Fuck yeah.

I'm incredibly grateful to have people that let me talk and babble for long amounts of time, because it does a person good.

I need to stop looking at things so black and white - like. It's a useless endeavor that only brings about negatives and unfortunate realizations.

Sometimes, you make me feel beautiful, I need that.

Sleeeeep?

How did I get here?

I have a headache.

I had a lot of resting time and feel restless.

I am unworthy of your love... I'll find a way to earn your love, wait and see... ah, how I love those creepy songs that are optimistically disguised as pretty love ballads. Just can't get over it.

Random tears are flowing easily these last few days.

So the one thing I want to do hasn't been offered to me, and the rest... has. Hmm.

Penny for your thoughts, eh, I'm easy, I don't get no penny.

I yearn for talent. I hate that about me.

Yeah, still have a headache.

No one's listening anyway.

Happy birthday, Heather. I do love you... despite my inability to express such things.

Later days.

I think I may start a more formal writing series... to copy my peers, and write a few good tributes to those who mean lots to me. We'll see if that one happens.

I had a very hellish day at work today. Not because it was demanding in the normal ways of my job, just because it was out of the ordinary and long. I had to get up at 6 this morning, so when I got home around 3, I went to take a nap. As I drifted off, I thought to myself, wow, I wish I had those days of summer when I had absolutely nothing to do. I awoke a half an hour ago, and I thought to myself, wow, I wish I had something to do and someone to do it with.

And here we go with the summer torture.

Sometimes I hate myself for the way I handle life. I can't let it go... I can't breathe enough fresh air to have the amount of freedom that is truly at my fingertips. I just don't let myself. I started, sometime around the beginning of 2003, eager to live the way I want to live. In a lot of ways I've changed things that I used to depend upon and spend every waking moment slaving over when in actuality it was not giving me happiness. I made a change to the mundane operations of myself... and let go a little, gave myself a little break from being rigid. My grades slipped a bit, my devotion to friends and extra curriculars increased... because that's how I wanted it.

Somewhere along the line I've begun to need to change things that were never addressed. I seriously never once thought about my life being this way at the end of my senior year. It's what I want. It's also what causes new triggers to put up my defenses. Unchartered territory shouldn't be entered without caution. I HATE THAT. I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT. I need to stop. God, please let me stop. I give myself, subconsciously, to finding protection that only gets in my way. And I work exceedingly hard at sabotaging what I care about most, because I care about it most.

I've spent a lot of time saying and writing about my desire to really feel. Here it is. Bare with me I guess. As if you haven't already. You're amazing. Thank you.

Words can't say...

So it's over... and it just feels weird.

I have this problem of not being able to accept all of the weight that comes with graduating, and leaving a place that I had made my home... so I kind of deny it, and put the reality of it all into my little bank of repression and just enjoy the fact that I can throw away all of my calculus tests that I failed, and not return to the classes I hated to go to. I tend to leave out the whole thing about never seeing the people I love or saying goodbye to all those meaningful teachers, and priceless moments where I learned a part of who I am and why it was all meant to be.

I've kind of sectioned off my feelings that should be placed together, in order to reduce the load I guess...

I'm proud of myself. My dad said he was happy that I was one of the few kids that could look back on high school and say I got the most out of it. I think he's right. I did as much as I could, worked as hard as I needed to... and sometimes as hard as humanly possible, and I had passion for my friends and activities beyond all else. In small ways, I feel like I was recognized for my undying dedication and literal blood, sweat and tears... with my place in the honor row, my best actor class award, my bell for english, my service award from key club, my kiwanis scholarship, my nomination for best thespian... I guess I could go on with what is probably seen as a list of bragging, but I won't, because really, those are just things I can have as something tangible... which is sometimes important to me, as much as I shouldn't place significance upon it... but to me, it represents all the love I've recieved from the people that matter in my life. I am proud to have ended 4 years at a place with so much to take with me.

I'm weepy. Things like sappy songs and children dancing and cards and emails and meaningful gifts and going through pictures and more pictures... set me off. It's like this strange outburst of tears... or watery eyes... or a sudden reduction to silent depression that comes and quickly leaves. I'm only sad for a few minutes tops though, so it's not an overwhelming feeling, but I am sad.

I'm strangely feeling like I should consider the rest of my life. I think one of my major problems is that I am constantly catering wedding related things... showers, rehearsal dinners, and the occasional reception (that was saturday night). I'm addicted to people watching and consequently trying to decipher who they are and what they're about... you can learn a lot about people from this, and I've learned a lot about the tradition of weddings... they're quite interesting. So, to get back to what I was saying... I start to apply the situations to my own life, and wonder if I'll ever have one of these events and then I think of how much money I'll have and if I'll want to have kids and how old I'll be. I know, I know... too young, and I'm by no means obsessed with getting married and having kids and a strapping husband to take care of me and buy me a house with white picket fences... it's just one of those things I think about when my head is a little bored. And then, even worse, I went to my brother's (3rd grade graduate in Mrs. Marshall's class at Lincoln) class show and all I could think was, wow, kids are like the greatest thing in life... how wonderful would it be to have one that was part me in this world. I think I'll just say that it's self discovery. I am figuring out a little bit more securely what I want in my life. I used to say I wasn't getting married... and I wasn't having kids. I hope I'm wrong on both accounts. Sigh, I've turned into a cheesy girl all of the sudden.

I'm conflicted about friends. Sometimes I'm so mad.. sometimes I'm so happy... sometimes I'm mad at myself for not appreciating what I have more and sometimes I'm mad at them for not appreciating me. I miss them... in strange ways. I miss seeing them, or hearing from them, or talking to them, or being around them... it's weird. Maybe it's just because I feel like I'm out of the loop more than I should be, because I'm not on anyone's mind or I'm at work too much... but sometimes I'm really content with my surroundings, and the diverse people I am able to spend nights with... and I am so happy then. I just hate feeling lonely I guess, and I love my friends too much. Ah, if she only made sense. I'm happy though, cause I get to go to Goodman's party for a little while! yes! And I'll watch my favorite guy from afar the rest of the day. Ah, such an exciting life I lead.

But most of all, I'm content. It's been fun. It will be fun. I'm doing, for the most part, what I want to be doing. And I'm happy with my place in life. I have all that I will never deserve including new shoes (I just can't stop loving them!). I have an amazing family, an incredibly diverse group of friends, a job, and all the creature comforts a girl could ask for. And what's more, I have a diploma! HAHA! I'm no longer a student.. I'm an alumni of Lakewood High School.

Off to conquer my bed, and then work early in the morning! Yes! Hey, by the way, call me... try to conquer the setbacks including a non-message taking family, a seemingly never there Valerie and what's best, no callll waiting or voice mail!

Cest la vie.

*must commit to written expression of self*

Tomorrow is my last day of school in Lakewood... I can't even believe it's happening to me. I've watched so many of the people I love leave, without ever being able to understand and grasp how it feels. I feel like there's the large amount of pressure upon me to do it right and say what should be said because this is it. This is what people look back on... ugh, the girl thinks too much forcing her to mess shit up. Thus, I refuse to recap, reflect, and experience the deep trap that is "the end". Nothing has to end the boy says, and he is right. I need to listen to him more. No worries.

So, today I recieved the Bell award for English. This is really amazing to me... especially since it always seemed like my English teachers hated me. I guess it just goes to show that I'm not so shitty with words all the time, despite my inability to express things like my overly talented friends. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. It's wierd to get a recognition like that... I'm happy... but it's just yet another thing to confuse me in my future aspirations.

Everything feels so strange. I just finished my final assignment for high school... it feels good, don't get me wrong... but it's so much the end to everything conventional.

Sometimes I have this strange outlook on my life, at least as far as my relationships and what not go. I have my conventional childhood. The friends that I met along the way, in middle school mostly, that will forever be the people they were then. They hold me in this feeling of nostalgia and typical life... routine fun, planned entertainment. It will always be like the days of arranging rides to the movie and going to someone's birthday party. Don't get me wrong, my place in that is very clear and I don't hate it, but it amazes me that somethings will never change. Life boils down to getting things done, and getting them done well.. and having your countless "best friends" there the whole time.

I had to go outside of that convention and I found an entirely different feeling. The friends I found didn't have the storybook childhood like me, and I was a minority for once with my seemingly peaceful past. Drama came in a new form, instead of drama over petty shit, it's drama over the world's woes and a constant life of disfunction. No one knows what they're doing til they get there and the best times are had with the littlest devotion to thought and only whim and trust in the company you're keeping. The scenery always changing, the turbulence a part of the norm and the stories of intense love and hate never cease.

Between these two seemingly alternate universes, I stand. What I've learned is I'm not alone in the middle, and my closet friends are standing with me right there. They'll take me to the world they're most comfortable with but they'll willingly sample the other. I am so blessed to have happy-medium friends...

Graduation marks the end of the conventional, and it's weird because the opposite world has given me so much experience in these last days of high school. I've moved on in so many capacities, but I'm standing still at this very moment. I can do this... I have to :)

Argh, seems to me I've babbled about that without making sense to anyone but myself... but that's the way it's got to be. It works for me.

In the theme of conventional, I suppose I should look forward to the coming days. I'm feverishly (okay not really... but it's cool to say) preparing for prom which happens to be on friday. SCARY! I'll be the one in the fuscia dress... getting pictures taken... riding in a limo... dancing the night away... oi. I'm moreso anxious about after prom camping, which if all goes wellllll will be a blast. I have food and great people to go with... and it will be good. Can you tell this is a self-pep-talk? I WILL HAVE FUN.

Ahhh so much... let's go....

sleep first I guess.

Ah, how the essence of avoidance is held within these clearly presented pages of internet space... and my lack of visably visiting them.

I am sorry for not reflecting on these quickly diminishing days of the experiences I've come to know so well... it's so hard, and it's so much easier for me to just ignore the need to do it. Alas, I've found the necessity again and here I am.

The days are dwindling down... and I have just completed my participation in shows at Lakewood High School. Sometimes I feel so utterly exposed in such instances, and I really let myself out there for that day. I am happy with the way my last circle went, it was heartbreaking but in the same time I said what I wanted to say and I was there. I've found an inner peace with Barnstormers and it's drastic impact on my life, it's absolutely euphoric.

It was weird for me because I didn't spend my Sunday in tears like I have so many times before. I didn't get more than a wince of the pain of endings... and you'd think I'd feel it. Don't get me wrong I was sad. I still am sad. I still haven't grasped it fully... I have a feeling the banquet will get me but... my thoughts were so easily occupied on Sunday. So easily filled, it amazes me. I'm struggling to understand it. To truly grasp these emotions that take up enough room to combat all the sadness from the one thing I loved most in high school ending.

Knot in my stomach, lump in my throat. Fuck me for that. I wish my brain would feel better... magically fix itself from the doom it seems so wonderfully prepared for. I'm so lost about "love" and I just wish it was something I could not worry about like I have avoided it so grandly in the past. I don't know what the deal is. Truly.

From my horoscope last week: "This is heaven," said the woman. When a surprised Krishna Das asked what she meant, she replied, "Heaven is any place where one's needs can be met." My wish for you this week, Libra, is that you be as open-minded as she was about where heaven might reside for you.

I just wanted to remember that. Barnstormers was my heaven. I am blessed to have experienced every moment I was able to have it in my life.

"It's crazy shit. All of that. It always is" (not related to Barnstormers)

I saw Ben Folds at Severence Hall, it was excellent. I was mesmorized... truly. That man makes a lot of music entirely on his own... it's insane. So that was good stuff.


I'm just going... I don't really know what to say about anything that has happened or will happen or has yet to happen or is bound to happen or should happen... I'm just going.

I sleep a lot. I'm tired a lot. I try to be comfortable where I am at all times, but I'm really finding that difficult over the past few days. I hate that I'm not having an enjoyable time at moments that I SHOULD be having one. I don't really know what's wrong with me... or my situations...

I don't want to feel like this about people I love, or have loved in the recent past... I want to stop missing the people I haven't seen in forever... and I want to stop hating the time I have with those I know I will miss sometime soon...

Ah, I must shut up now.

Much love.

Shall we post? dun dun dun...

The days left at Lakewood High are dwindling down... and boy is it great. I can't wait for Spring Break first and foremost though, after that, it will be all good. I will have more money, and that's a relief. And I will have the much needed free time to do as I please, for a little while at least.

I feel good at this very moment because I got off my lazy ass and enjoyed the weather... did a bit of a walk-run-walk type deal down to Lakewood Park and back... walked along the lake and such. I got to see all the pretty sunset and all the romantic couples... I avoided feeling too lonely though. GO me. Sigh. What do I want? I want this.. but I want more of it... sometimes I do... sometimes I worry... sometimes... I think too much about it. That's what I need to stop doing. It will be alright.

I got to direct all by myself today. It was actually pretty nice, although I hate the song and I hate making the cast do things they hate doing because I understand how it is... and I have such conflict with people joking around and me having to be focused and keep the work going, when I would just as soon be joking around with them. I did feel like people respected me a little bit at least, and I had a lot of people watching my back, so it was nice. And I had two very nice boys compliment me this evening... yay for them. I guess there was a third boy, but he didn't think of it all on his own... he's a jerk really, I don't know why I talk to him. ;) But thanks to Taylor and Chris for the love.

I managed to get some seemingly correct answers on my Physics quizz. I am amazed at my lack of homework completion and being able to match answers with the likes of Michelle and Stacey. I'm sure it won't be the greatest quizz ever, but they never are.

Tomorrow is Ben Folds. Thursday is first night of break, and Mongolian Barbeque. Friday is first day off and Liz's rockin' party... and this weekend is just me and my brother at home, and a good portion of time at work! Yes! So much to look forward to. I'm also looking forward to some quality hanging out time with E.O. So she hopes at least... SPRING BREAK APPROACHES! YES!

Sigh, I wish I wasn't so confusing to people... I suppose they love me enough despite it... but that whole insecurity thing finds me a bit concerned at the moment. But, alas, moody me can't do much about it. Don't think about it.

Take me there... I wanna go there...

So, here we are again, I'll just list random crap that's happened or going on with me...

1. Key Club Convention: I went there Fri-Sat-Sun last weekend. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, which actually means that I had a goood time.. due to my sad prospects for the weekend. Highlights include: the new Spirit Rally on Friday night, Steak-n-Shake, the excellent service at "HAMBURGERS" late at night, talking in bed about everything til too late, seeing Nick on stage etc, Scott Greenberg (the speaker), going out to O'Shaugnessy's (excellent restaurant), taking naps!, getting pretty for Banquet/Ball, hot guitar boy that didn't win :(, getting to escort Nick and slow dance fun with him, they pronounced my name correctly!!!, the Alyward's awesome suite, knowing all the ghetto songs at the ball, strange eggs and breakfast mashed potatoes... :)

2. Lynnette's Recital: I went to that Sunday night. I'm a misbehaved young lady and I need to get myself in check. MAMMA MIA! I'm glad I'm not at Beck... and I love my singing peeps... ;) Oh, and my mom says schizophrenia runs in the family and she hopes I never start drinking.

3. School: sucks.

4. Paid: for bunches of stuff at school, yearbook, senior crap etc.... loads off my back. But still much more money must be spent, hooray!

5. Prom: I got my dress on Tuesday! Yay! It's fuscia... yeah I know, it's pretty though... I'm going with Ned, to kill all the suspense... or lack there of. Hopefully everything else will go smoothly. Ugh.

6. Stress Relief Day: I went on that fieldtrip to a rockin' hotel to learn how to de-stress in life. Yoga is so freaking cool! I want to take classes from Bhumi... she's so sweet. I had an excellent day, complete with Caribou before rehearsal.

7. Break: I need a break. I take a break every single day, but I need an official one. Actually, I need to catch up and then have a break. But I want the catching up to feel like a break. Who's got the power?

8. Work: Yay! My place of employment opens up again THIS WEEKEND. I'm so pumped... summer here I come, money, icecream, ahh the good life. Haha. Yeah it's sad. I just really want to be doing something that I feel good about, in only that way that work can make you feel. Yeah I'm crazy. I like my job.

9. Clubs and such: It's really funny cause I struggle to place my feelings in terms of Barnstormers, the show, Key Club... etc. They just are... at this moment, it's how it is I guess.

Nine's a good number. My favorite in fact.

Comment inspiration: What's one song that you think fits me? (Inspired by Chelsea's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake)

Weekend at Key Club Convention in Columbus...

I'll miss you all muchly.... love to all.

Heeeeyyyy yooouuuu guuuyyys....

Well the end of my shit rainbow that is March indeed had a pot of gold. Excellent!

I had a purely exhilirating (haha) weekend. I said to Nick on Friday that the weather was the kind that made me feel like I should be doing more with my life, living it up somemore... and even though the temperature changed DRASTICALLY, I was able to live it up lots. Peace... so wonderful. It's truly amazing how one person can fuck one up so much and then in the same day take the weight of the world of one's shoulders. Beauty.

I saw Narnia at Liz and Ned and Aubrey's church all 3 days. I'm truly a loser. But I don't regret that at all... I enjoyed it all 3 times in different ways and it was great. I managed to fill my weekend with many other endeavors as well. I went to Pizza Hut, the Hiltys, Common Grounds, my house, Heinen's, prom shopping, Caribou, my house again, driving, lots of my house..., Tops and home again at last.

I don't think I've ever seen so much happen at my house in my life. Spoons galore, Frank's ghetto, Pizza drama, Twisterman, dancing, cramming into my bathroom, lots of scary parents, WORD, this is like college!, ahhh so much fun.

I really enjoy all the sophomores save stupid Jake. I will miss them so desperately.

I came out of this weekend with tons of memories... Narnia stuck in my head... a prom date and a potential prom dress... great jokes... and all of my art supplies in a bag with a strangely decorated spoon...

I still feel bad about my dog. I'm sorry to all.

It's fourth quarter and it's time to party... YEAHHHHHHH!!!!

3 more worthwhile facts:

1. The point is, there is no point. Who needs points?

2. A circle goes 'round and 'round. Until you stop the circle, you never get anything you really need to experience.

3. I am moody. Good and bad, step right up, see it all.

3 worthwhile facts:

1. I never make sex proposals.... at least... not intentionally... er...

2. Julia got voted of American Idol. YAY!

3. Everything is overrated 'cause success will not be found within these walls.

What is love? If love is this then was it love when...? What is happiness? How can you stop caring? Is it how your parents brought you up that makes you that way? Or is just natural? I am supposed to date when I know that it will be quick and perfect, or is there any way of knowing that? What is a real job? Can I ever really regain what I let go once? How do I know if I'm choosing the right destination for the right reasons? When does it matter if I'm doing the "right" thing when it comes down to living? Why was it so possible for them? What I am I supposed to do next? Why bother?...

It's quite easy to spend a good couple of hours rattling off life's mysteries in forced rhetoric. For some reason, it just feels right to utter such quandries at this moment, yet, they remain bafflingly incomprehensible.

And in conclusion, after an evening of asking so many questions that we could not possibly answer...

Is growing up knowing all the answers to these questions, or just repressing the questions once and for all?

The neglect never ceases does it?

Well I had a KICK ASS TIME in Toronto. Thank goodness... I was so worried. Every show was better than I expected it to be, I had so much fun for almost every moment... besides the scary scary CN Tower and my almost literal kick ass time. I went up to the highest part of the CN tower though!!! Go me! Mamma Mia rocks my world. Mysteriously Yours Dinner Theater was good food, good laughs, and good neck nibbling fun... hehe. The League of Nathans was truly amazing. As I said to a friend, One of those shows that makes you happy to be a little speck in the theatre world and leaves you aching for more.

"Fucking Canada and it's no fucking light switches" -VK
"Well I'll have 3 boys in my bed in the cabin" - LG
"I need a line!!!" -SR
"Did anyone want something to eat?" - LL
"Can you define, "hungry kiss" pllleeeease" - MB
"Did we hear Cosmo? We're addicted" - LF
"I wonder how many guys I can get to bite this off my neck" - VK
"Yeah you know" - PH
"Am I me?" - KG

... ahh... I could go on forever...

And The Question Game will reign forever! Muhahahahahahhahaha!!!!

I'm cold and not wanting to go to school... but what else is new. I love you all.

And so the adventure continues...

Is it really an adventure? I hope so. I need it to be. I need to feel the wet exhale of something surprising me from behind or the sudden hault of a speed bump in my way.

And so the Buddha shares his peace, and all WILL be well with me. Crazy... nah, it's just a matter of acceptance and coping with the self imposed idiosyncracies that allow us to believe we're not as normal as we should be, or not as alive as he or she who is our own vision of perfection. Personal perfection. I suppose this is my own expression of gratitude... you can print this out if you want... haha. My realm of existence feels a little more comfortable for me now, and I think I can deal with where I am in the grand scheme once more.

Away away from the scattered abyss that is vocabulary and meaning of life... I'm going to Toronto in a day. I'm going to choir contest in less than a day. I hope hope hope I have a good time. I hope hope hope it works out for me. I hope hope hope I can get things put back together.

Fuck, man, I have a refreshing new strength. Who would have thought after all that pot.

Wish me luck in my endeavors. May I not get annoyed. May I not get jealous. May I not get caught up in my own crap. May I laugh. May I smile. May I feel great.

I have some crappy ass parallel structure on this here blog. Blackie would puke all over me.

You know when your one foot/leg falls asleep and you have to get up and walk somewhere? It feels like one leg is going to let you fly and the other one's holding you down on the ground.

If that isn't a life metaphor, I don't know what is.

Mwahhahahaaha

I'm so selfish. I hate that about me.

What do I offer you? A whole lot of nothing. I need you desperately to IM me, call me, talk to me, tell me things, invite me places, drive me around, offer me advice, cheer me up... ugh.

No longer floating, now smashing my forehead into the jagged cement in hopes of making artistic cuts. Floating was so much easier, wasn't it?

I'm fat, discontented, lonely, depressed, and going through the motions. But confident and happy all the same. A walking contradiction as we lovingly refer to ourselves... ah, feels so great.

I need enrichment. Talk to me, I miss that. Movies, I miss those too. Use me, I miss that the most

Agitated mostly I am. Bloated mostly I am. Brain fucked temporarily I am. It'll all be better in the morning.

I love you.

Fickle comfort steals away
What it knows
It will not say
What it can
It will not do
It flies from me
To humor you.

Capricious peace will not bind
The severed nerves
The jagged mind
The shattered dream
The loveless sleep
It frolics now
Within your keep.

Confidence, that popinjay,
Is planning now
To slip away
Look fast
It’s fading rapidly
Tomorrow it returns to me.

"Changes" by Maya Angelou

I wish I had words to fill this space that did justice to how I feel right now. I'm spent. I'm emotionally exhausted and I'm so afraid that as I type what I feel like I just need to get down I'm going to lose it again. It hurts so bad.

I didn't make Oklahoma. I'm done... and I didn't even know it. My name wasn't on that list. The tears won't stop. I've heard everything reassuring and about high school is just high school... and it's just... yeah. I know. You know now too. I need to stop this because I'm falling into pieces again.

Later days.

I have spent these last few years in the limbo of two general states: 1) trying to figure out the world and why it is so by watching and analyzing, and 2) trying to figure out what I can do and experience next in this world... with less of the observation.

It seems like I'm in the middle of this scary highway and on one side is the could careless go with the flow and on the other side is the care more than anyone have to know and feel the right stuff and be emotional and thoughtful. I'm getting hit by cars way too much right now. Ouch.

I am so tempted to stop being anything and just avoid all contact with anyone and everyone because... because... I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. There used to be a time, not so very long ago, where I carefully thought out each moment that would either happen or not happen and if I hadn't thought in advance, I would make lots of time to freak out about what happened unexpectedly. I realize this is unhealthy, but I had this amazing grasp, or so I thought, on "Valerie" and what she was to the world. Now, I am more who I really am, but I have much less control. Losing control is both thrilling and frightening.

I feel the thrill as I am acting and living and feeling... and I feel the fright as I sit on lazy lazy Sundays where I ask myself if what I am doing is what I really want to be doing. I guess I'm finally experiencing that part of my adolescence where you don't know what you're doing... and you just experiment. I never let it happen before... and my nails are scrapping on the floor as we speak because I don't want to not know... even though I already don't. I'm a walking contradiction of every single thing I do... yes, no, on, off, right, left, up, down, straight, curly.... woo.

And that, brings me to Snowball! I had my hair straightened for the first time... it was interesting. Chris told me I looked younger and then he asked how I felt about that... and I don't know.. it was weird because, I don't really care all that much. I was indifferent to the hair straightening in the first place, and having done it, I'm still indifferent. It was fun...? I just don't see the big deal. There is no big deal. I do like my hair curly though... it's so fucking long yo, shit. Haha.

And although that seems like a superficial tangent, it truly describes my contradictions... I was indifferent to the dance. I had a good time. I went crazy. But it just was what it was. And then it wasn't... I watched the drama, I could have felt the drama, I could have had my own depressed moments... I could have involved myself in heartbreak... but I just, didn't. I had moments of disappointment and confusion and frustration... but I had a good time, despite it all. I just don't know what that makes me... Full of useless fluff? Lack of a sense of what really matters? An idiot? A whore? A ditz? or just plain human...

Moving on...
I was hoping to be his unconventional beauty... but that's thinking highly of myself, and I'm not one to say I'm conventional or unconventional. I can't bestow hopes of these things on people. Especially people like him.

The half assed search will never work out. A lesson we all must learn I guess.

I was speaking with a good friend of mine, about friends versus mates... and my conclusions frighten me. I will explore some other time though. I'm tired of this little box. I must speak to boxes that speak back now.

My dad said he doesn't understand why I am constantly between being a perfect person or a horrible person.

I thought I was an okay person. I thought that I thought that. But I guess I really don't... hmph.

Start taking control again, Valerie. Own this. Own you.

Valentine's Day Reflections...

I never WANT to be depressed on Valentine's Day... and I usually do a pretty good job of saying hey, free love for all and smiles abound despite my lack of affection from any male avenue. Putting all the carnations together though, on the 13th made me feel less than happy about the day to come. I wasn't getting any from any guy... and that was indicative of my love life in general. I'm not getting any. So, I came home, did my share of whining... the kind of whining that involves "why can't I just have ONE guy call me and say hey, I just wanted to talk to you... and how come I have to beg and plead for any type of anything". Yet, eventually, I got over it. I sucked it up and went to bed, waking up the next morning to the day of love and chocolate... woohoo.

I decided to dress up, and participate in Thong Day. This was pretty monumental for me, considering I had never worn a thong before... so go me for wearing one. :) I had happy happy holiday spirit abounding.

I don't really know what to think about the guys "in my life". I guess the reason I'm putting that into quotes... is the lack of certainty that they truly are"in my life". But I do know this, I really enjoy feeling any type of appreciation from them... and if it takes some generic words I'll enjoy it for a little while.

However, after the glow of beauty starts to fade from these words and my cynical objectivity kicks in, I disappoint myself anymore. I hate that I feel like I ask guys to pity me enough to say things to me that they wouldn't really want to say otherwise. Blech. I DON'T NEED TO BE YOUR PITY PARTY. I have reasons for giving you Valentines and such that don't need to be returned with empty expression. Don't let me be the foolish girl! Argh! Perhaps, if I had balls enough to use the phone number, I would say this to him. RIIIIGHT.

And then the fun party of my Valentine's Day kicks in. I worked last night, at a wedding reception... catering. It was the most depressing thing I have witnessed in a long time. The reason it was so depressing wasn't what you would think, it wasn't the whole man, they're so happy and in love and it's Valentine's Day and I'm all alone... Oh no! It was if this is what love and marriage is in humanity count me out. It was a sad sad sad occassion. They didn't seem to love each other at all. She was pregnant, he was the father. They were barely 21 and getting married because they had to... at least that's what it looked like. They hardly touched each other. They hardly smiled. They hardly enjoyed their supposed "song". It completely destroyed my hope for "love" and undying devotion. I'm still at a loss for my seemingly idealistic views on love. And who would have thought pessimistic me would be so disappointed. I should celebrate in this proof of the nonexistant love... but instead, I was hoping for a little something to give ME hope in life.

All in all, it just makes me so sad. I want to cry.

Show me love... show me life... baby show me what it's all about.

I hate boys. Yes, this is a true statement. Okay, it’s by far a FALSE statement… but, the reason I’ve stated it in the first place is my annoyance with these male type items.

I am annoyed because I am hopelessly devoted to some of them, and not so much to others of them… and in general my “desired” outcome, is never a possibility. I told myself I would stop liking these creatures. I told myself I would not put myself out there to be hurt and to feel stupid for having these childish notions of love and appreciation.

And then I had a taste, but from the wrong place I guess. Or, at the wrong time. I really haven’t figured that one out yet. But as a result, I’ve adopted the crappy behaviors that I SO DESPERATELY HATE! I don’t want to swoon, and have obsessive behaviors because I don’t want to be the fat lady that doesn’t know she’s fat! It drives me crazy. Maybe that fat lady knows she’s fat but keeps up her slinky dress wearing because she thinks other people don’t notice. Much like, me, knowing I’m being strange and shouldn’t have feelings for those I am starting to, but “pretending no one notices” and not stopping my stupid behavior. See, I’m crazy!

So I hate boys because they invoke such foolish feelings. And they say things like “the last time I had sex, it didn’t mean anything so I felt like shit about it”… and I just feel so inferior… and stupid.

Foolish me for being too something to never get started and foolish me for wanting to get the show on the road once I’m too pathetic and behind.

In other news, I’m happy still… I think. I’m just tired and keeping everything comfortably confusing.

I have never really felt this intense of a goodbye. I don't know what it is... everything, everyone... the show, the people, the Tryout Theater, the cast party... it's all over.

I used to be so depressed on the Sundays after a show because it meant I had no friends again, no purpose again... no passion again. Now, it's so different. I have a purpose and friends and passion, but it feels so different. I'm sad. Sadder than I ever was, it is a truly gut wrenching feeling. I feel like I'm saying things I've said before but at this very moment I REALLY mean them. It hurts so bad.

And here I sit, saying these things, feeling these alternate pressures that I'm being "cliche" and "it's not really everything I make it out to be"... but I just can't let myself believe that. One of the most significant things I learned about myself is that I was fortunate to find something I LOVED and the thing that would essentially mold me into who I've become. And I can't even begin to regret one moment of that. And I can't even begin to deny how beautiful my life is because of it.

If I could just stop crying, it would be great.

And like I said, this sad is different. It's shimmering "the end" for me, and I just really wish I never put this much of me into something that ends. No, that's not true. I am SO FUCKING GLAD I put this much of me into this. THANK GOD for this. I'm not depressed. I'm happy. But I'm not content. Dammit I wish I was speaking to someone right now. Anyone, who I thought maybe cared about this and knows what I'm talking about... but I think I'm alone on this one, like I was from the start.

It's so strange... I'm not alone, I know that. I have many many wonderful friends that would do everything in thier power for me, but in the same, I feel like I'm the only one that feels this way. But I know that irrational. Ugh.

I watched a movie today... during my 8 some hours of depressive nap/watching tv time on the couch... with PAUL RUDD in it! haha. The Object Of My Affection, I'd seen parts of it before... but I watched the whole deal today, and I bawled. I don't think I would have cried so much on any other day, I just felt this emotional overload come to a sort of climax (but not an overly fulfilling one since I still feel like shit). Hottie Paul was gay... and it was the Will and Grace deal that he was going to father his best friend's baby, and then instead of her meeting someone (like in Will and Grace), he met someone. The line was "you have to just pick one person and make it work"... ahh! And he went with the boyfriend... and she, she was left behind. Ah, it hurts so much!

I wasn't supposed to hate Valentine's Day this year! I'm all good man! Or not. I just need some type of resolution here, fuck me now. ARRRRGH. I also saw some of High Fidelity today. And you know when John Cusack goes to his ex's father's funeral? Well yeah... she's all sad, follows him out and asks him flat out to have sex with her. "I need to feel something other that what I feel now." I need some sex.

I have such good intentions... and they all go to shit for the most part. Sigh. I WILL GO ON.

there's only us
there's only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today

All I can really say right now is that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I love you sooo much!!!

I'm in a bit of better spirits as of today... so that's a plus.

Yesterday I had this incredible rush from STEALING BACK MY RENT CD!!!! At last! Victory is mine! So awesome wooooo.

I saw Chicago yesterday too. Boy was it good. Entertainment at it's best I would say. And fuck yeah Mr. Cellophane.

I say the "f-bomb" quite a bit as of late. I guess I should work on it. I say it like it's nothing because I don't really equate it to much of anything but... some people do. So says Mr. Jason Braves Fuller, "If that means nothing to you, than what DOES?" I guess I could claim I'm looking out for the betterment of mankind by desensitizing such a supposedly awful word... but really, I'm just ho trash. I smile like a saint and curse like a sailor...

I had a intellectual and thought provoking conversation with Jake last night. It was way nice. So many of the people I am around each and every day I feel are these amazingly complex and beautiful human beings that I just wish I could spend those mundane moments having quality brain stimulating conversation that is very much plausible with each and every one of my friends. By the same token, my brain can be made a runaway scary train by such conversations... so maybe it's good that they're a very rare treat when they do arrive. Haha.

Greer also added to my abyss of curiosity in my brain as she brought up some interesting stuff about friendships in America and what not. Who's for real? Are those that are not for real worth my time EVER? And if not, why do I still waste time talking to them? And if you're not for real, but I want you to be, that's even worse! AH! Crazy.

And now I will return to the land of not thinking. Ignorance is bliss... PUKE!

I'm upset but I know I have no right to be.

Maybe I have a little right, but not toooo much.

I'm an unattractive human being. This I know. Especially in my strange mental state of yesterday. I wasn't giving anything of what people want to be around. I'm just... ugh. I don't know what the hell was going on with me. Yet I guess I just hold onto the notion that people that are truly my friend will allow me to have those shit moments and stick around regardless. Like Greg and Margaret! Sheesh!

I feel really bad about Greg. I must not think so negatively about strong personalities because I'm one myself. I really do love him.

Anyway. I'm not ever going to be her. I'm not ever going to give you what she gives you, gave you. I just can't do it. I tried for a bit a while ago... and maybe that's why we're where we are in the first place, and if that's the case, then it's not going to work out. That's not who I am. I just wonder how it came up again without that. Ugh. But, I'm going to shut of my brain on this issue for the moment because I'm not letting myself take anything too far. I hope you had a good time despite me.

Dude, Heather, that Parker and Amy story is pretty hot and steamy. Wooboy.

"nothing good is ever easy, and if you never risk anything you can't ever gain anything either" girls suck

my lack of intelligent thought is bugging me. i'm not using caps on this one because it's a statement. i'm making a statement. a statement? how? well, i'll tell ya, it's a statement about my laziness and it's detrimental effects upon my disposition. i'm a thoughtless creature. still floating guess... floating without and capital letters. pathetic really.

brain needs to turn back on. let's get going brain! you can do it! put your back into it! (this is a perfect example of the crap mind state).

i'm seeing lakewood project tonight. "scene" has a pretty negative preview to it... but i know it'll rock. no problem.

cold. puke.

i'm jealous of meaning. i'm jealous of drive. i'm jealous of passion.

So much grief I get for not posting... ugh. Sucks for me.

I really did try to leave a note before I went to Florida but stupid blog didn't post it. Yeah.

Florida was a much needed break. I got sleep... even though my pull out couch was PAINFUL. I got some sun... lots of wind and cold, but sun. It was nice to be out and about somewhere other than here. I was able to clear my head... a much needed clearing of CRAP. All the strange mind games that I was playing ceased to exist in the land of supposed sunshine. YAY!

Disney does run the world. And Florida isn't the ideal vacation spot... especially NOT ORLANDO. I just felt the culture wash of America. Brainwash... spend money... watch Disney... eat our expensive food... have a magical evening... soooo much.

Vacation=relaxation not scary tourist herding. BUT, who can deny the enjoyment recieved from some quality Disney magic. I was awed by it many a moment in Orlando, so I guess I gladly participated in it. Such is life.

Home is... home. Fast, stress, work, people, friends, yay, tests, drama, play, no sleep, bullshitting, my brother!, my bed... and such is home!

I am babbling... and tired... so I'll make like Chris Bindel and sleep. Or maybe I'll really be him and just say I'm tired but never sleep... I think I'll just sleep. I love ya Chris!

I'm floating.

I don't know why I see floating as such a fitting description... I just do. I feel this overwhelming lack of reality and grasp on all that there is, and I'm floating.

I was talking today... and saying fuck in very interesting ways... but that's besides the point, but in all, I realized how much I truly am clueless. I guess I just rule it out if I don't know enough about it. I just kind of brush it aside, scare it away... do everything in my power to make it unbearably impossible to move past my self imposed barriers.

Philosophy and experience do not go hand in hand. They're distant entities, and I know this all too well. My experience with ridiculous philosophy has cornered me into a realization that, I can't rely on my independent thoughts at all moments of the day. It's not probable. I cannot analyze and reap anything of merit once I reach that point where it's impossible to analyze anymore.

I know all of this. I think about all of this. I floatingly babble about alllll of this. But what do I do? Wallow in it. Sleep on it. Ignore it.

FUCK IT.

If I could say I felt depressed right now, I would. I guess I'm just kind of apathetically dissappointed. I'm finally a defeatist I guess. See, perfect, "I guess" she says. I resign to my abilities because I'm tired. I don't care anymore.

I want to feel but I don't because I'm too busy floating. And now, I'm a giggly mess of confusion and self nothing... no, no self pity here... just self nothing. Literally. Who am I? Beats me, but I'm sure as hell floating.

Dude, wouldn't it be sweet if the trippiness of this entry was drug induced? Nah, it's too easy. Let's just except the spued nothing of me, the nothing, the floater...

FUCK IT. She lets herself be crazy... aren't you jealous?

Today is quite possibly a hibernation day for Valerie.

As if I'm not an asshole enough... :)

Happy New Year and all that jazz :)

I had an awesome time at RCs... after the boringness went away, it was way fun.

So yeah, here we are... another year gone by, and my goodness, it's already 4 days into the year, and only today and tomorrow to not have to go to school. Wooo. Break flew by, and I didn't get enough productive junk done, but I haven't been trying too hard.

Time to reflect? For a second:

2002 was a great year. I had one of my best summers ever... To Kill, Anything Goes, Boy Meets Girl... Sweetwater Landing woohoo... class of 2002 graduated, went to college... I finished all my college application crap... I became VP of Key Club, Treasurer of Barnstormers and Manager of Mixed... I made Mixed! I made musical! Got Gannon to go on a Senior-only wagon on the hayride (hellllyeah)... I went to Boston!... just so much good stuff. Thank you so much, everyone, you made this past year great for me. Your friendships... even if I fade into the abyss lately, are irreplacable to me.

2003. Resolutions... :)
1. Graduate. (My graduation party is June 28th by the way)
2. How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up...
3. Get off my lazy ass and do stuff.
4. Make money at my respective job.
5. Learn to drive a car and be able to do it legally on my own.
6. Read books because I WANT to read them.
7. Have a kick ass time in the last months of high school.
8. Have a good time in college. (Ahhh scary!)

From 1am:

So remember when I used to post? Those were the days...

I've had a whirlwind break. Quite bountiful amounts of fun and excitement
and strange happenings. Hell yeah.

When I returned from Buffalo, I had a wonderful day of nothing and then I
went out with Heather, Ned, Matt Bakaric, and Dave Johnson. I thoroughly
ditched them at Caribou... having a grrreat conversation with Michelle and
Hannah(!) who happened to be there. But then! We went to see the most
entertaining movie I've seen in a while, Catch Me If You Can. I highly
recommend it. Afterwards, "Do you guys ACTUALLY want to go to My
Friends?" So we went there, and I saw my boss. Yay.

Today, was way fun too... I slept til 1! Yeah! Had some Michelle fun, mass
Anni and Duna family fun, and got home at the early hour of 10pm. For sure!
I'm a good girl!

I'm so strange right now... it's ridiculous.

All is well methinks. Very good.

Goodbye 2002, hello graduation year. Crazy.

So, I'm in BUFFALO.

I missed everyone leaving... and the party and all that jazz... for what? I sat around last night doing nothing. OH welll... Life goes on :)

I had a driving lesson today. That was probably a good idea to have, and I did advance... less scared I suppose.

I got a REAL email today. YOU SHOULD SEND ME REAL EMAIL. It's the best!

How come no one posted about the party? I'm looking for details... come on yo.

So yeah. That's all.

I'm an ass!

Hey, I thought I'd post... ugh. Makes me mad that I used to be a loyal blogger... and now-a-days I suck at it. Not to say I didn't suck at it before, but that's besides the point. It used to flow... I used to be the type making mental blogging notes. My brain is on the fizzle... fo shizzle... hehe. See? It's like I've been smoking lots and lots and the cells are just gone. I'm braindead. I can't think of anything, I can't figure anything out, I can't work up the brainpower to try to work on things I know I can figure out... UGH.

So I just need a break... a step back of some sort. I'm confused again, regardless of how not confused I'm supposed to be, I'm still confused. If that makes sense... hah. Who cares if I make an ounce of sense? Who cares period?! I don't.

Why don't I want it when I have it? Or can have it? Why isn't there the one man who I can't talk myself out of? Why can I do that, what part of my surreal story can't I comprehend?!

AHHHH!!!

Christmas was way fun. Merry merry to all... I hope you had a wonderful time. I got some good stuff, which I enjoyed greatly. Good family fun.

I'm off to Buffalo once more, and I'll miss all of these Florida kids going off.. but yeah. I'm excited to see my family and stuff.

When do I get to relax? OH yeah, that's right, I'm doing that now... mmmhmm...

I love you all.

aubinlkwd (8:33 PM): im sorry your love life is just so humorous

I LOVE SCHOOL

There, I've admitted my undying devotion to it, and I can't wait until I save up enough money to buy it a NICE BIG ENGAGEMENT RING.

Sigh, I'm in loooove...

It has been an eventful and fun filled weekend (thankfully!).

Good times at the Barnstormer's "Winter Meeting" although I fell asleep because Fiddler was so bad. Games were fun... yeah... you know. woooo.

Saturday was a less than spectacular DAY due to the Christmas Pagaent rehearsal that was mighty disappointing at first, and then I came home with no energy and only desire to sleeeep.

Next stop, caroling with Key Club. Good times with Nick. I'm really really glad I went, if only for the purpose of talking to Nick... cause that was good stuff. We had some nice conversations with Diana about Playgirl and the 3 freshman that came along as well. Yummy cookies too.

From there, I ended up at Burger King, and then the Langenhop's... very surreal... the daughters were knitting and crocheting as the family played a game of Trivial Pursuit. Family friends were there too, woo boy, they were funny. Okay, UNDERWATER HOCKEY!?!?! And, Alison found out the name for the syndrome she has... very interesting stuff.

Today, I went to church with Jill, and that was a rip roarin good time. Did you know that in order to be a good person you must say "I help out at church and I'm nice to my friends" I learned so much about the people in that youth group... man alive. GO Lutheran West! YAY! (note sarcasm)

Let's GOOOOOOOO shopping! YEAH! I got some Christmas shopping done today... a full 5 hours of fun in the mall, Target, Marcs, Family Toy Warehouse. And I'm not near finished! YEAH. At least I got SOME stuff out of the way.

And here we are, right now, and I have not done any of my homework... but the night is young, plenty of procrastination time left!

Hold me, console me.

When tears start to stream down my face for no socially accepted reason, what do I do?

I'm lost in my cesspool of supposed knowledge, emotion and thought...

What do I want? I want to be content, and at this moment I AM DISCONTENTED.

I hope tomorrow goes well. I hope things are different. In the least. Sweep me away... oh beautiful one. I don't care who you are, I just need you.

Once you give all you can, it's their turn. I'm trying to hold onto this. Hell, I even said so, but the outcome isn't so great... and that's expected too, I suppose. I want fun! I want some! Gimme gimme... figgy puddddding! haha.

I have a feeling I'm going to have a nice cry in the near future... it's boiling inside. Just wait until the floodgates are opened. Hopefully I'm not alone... or hopefully I am...depending.

I hope I have some fun this weekend. I could use it. I need to do mad shopping. Ridiculous amounts in fact.

I want to see all of the stupid people that go to these college type things... siiigh.. so much so much so much.

There's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above.

Ah, life is crazy.

This week has been somewhat hellish, I had to deal with make up work and all that annoying stuff. I love missing school! Being back definitely made me wish I was still gone... but such is life.

Secret Santa started this week, exciting. And... it was Elves week too! It was fun to be an elf. Perks of being a senior. Or SOMETHING.

I did my public statement yesterday. It was pretty emotional. I don't know... I kind of feel like I didn't do that great of a job, but I'm glad I talked about what I did. It's hard to talk about it, and so it was nice to have an outlet. I was kind of disappointed in some of my class, but such is life.

My boss, Dennis called and he asked me to work tonight. So, of course I'm working. I'm working a party from 3pm to around 2am. I am crazy. Absolutely nuts.

This morning's plans are Bonne Bell sale and Christmas Pageant rehearsal. Last night I stayed home and babysat and wrote the stupid script for the pageant. Why do I do these things? I'm stressed enough as it is, so on saturday I decide to work and volunteer. Crazy. And I'll be exhausted on Sunday now... so that's a plus.

I can't wait til break. I can't wait til I actually see everyone since I missed most everyone over Thanksgiving. I'm tired already... sigh.

Smile, you're on the radio.

I'm home!
I went to a wedding yesterday!
Thanksgiving was way good!

FAT.

This color scheme is growing on me... I need to fix a few things... but yeah, UGH. My cousin's going out without me again tonight. Last time I was exhausted and didn't want to go, but this time I want to and can't. More useless time 3 hours away. And everyone's home. UGH! Driving me crrrazy.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION... I made a mess and I'm too lazy to clean it up right now.. try to ignore it.

It's Day 5. Hooray. Yesterday was also a lot of fun. It was nice to be comfortable with the city and stuff from the get go as we ventured out into Boston once again. We saw Harvard, went to H&M, walked around streets bunches, and went to Boston College. Wooweee. Get me out of there.

It was like the freaking twilight zone. People like that actually do exist? SCARY. I'm really glad I went there because it was an intense picture of what I DON'T WANT!!! AHH!!! yeah. And it made BU seem 4 million times cooler. I like BU a lot more after going to BC and see the freaking scariest other planet ever. haha.

This makes everything MUCH clearer. I probably could only apply to 2 schools right now. I guess I just need to decide what I want to do.

The store H&M is fucking cool man. Yeah. It was cooler than Forever 21 I think... similar but bigger and better and more variety. SO nice.

We left Boston to come home and spent over 3 hours in stop and go traffic. So it's 9pm and we haven't even started our 8 hour drive home. Ugh. AND THEN it starts snowing. We stopped to get gas at 1am (3 hours from destination) and almost run into a poll. It was scary. So, we resorted to staying at the Days Inn nearby. It was nice... so we got to Buffalo before noon today, and here I am. In New York still... and I'll be here until tomorrow. I'm bummed because it means I miss the parade on TV. I know, I'm a big dork. I also just want to be home already... just because I'm doing nothing here except being away from home longer than I expected to be. Oh well!

I have a crap load of stuff to do this break.. plus I want to have some kick ass amounts of fun as well.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... why must I fucking fuck myself over in the fucking brain lately? Ah, fuck!

Hehe... now that the swearing is out of my system... a little... here goes.

It's Day 3 of the adventure, and great deals of fun I am having. Today was awesome. Boston is awesome. I was extremely uptight and anxious and frightened about today... but all is going very well. I really liked BU. Except, the woman at the info session pissed me off a little bit and I'm sure I'll find everywhere else that I apply that it's too fucking expensive. Believe it or not, also, I'm not so caught up in my ridiculous intellect (if I even have that) so fitting in in the smart ass school may be painful to my own personal self image. Yeah. Or something. Anyhow.

I um, yeah. OH! I had so much fun with Meredith today. And her roommate is really cool and so is Dan's friend, yeah, that was goofy, Dan Ott decided to come to Boston also. Yeah... fun times. Boston is crazy man, crazy.

Ah! computers suck! Yeah!

So, back to the whole fuck fuck fuck thing... my mind on this whole what the hell am I doing with my life, in all realms, is going crazy. I just can't handle it anymore. Why isn't anything clear to me. And what, exactly, do I want. I know I'm not going to figure out what I want on the whole college thing, I've accepted that... but... why can't I decide what I want in the boy problem central. Haha, and why can't I coherently form a thought into a statement? Ugh.

Problem is my cousin is questioning me, unintentionally, on the whole "crush" bull shit. Just because I'm strange about some guys... and that gets me thinking. What does that even fucking mean... crush... ugh. And so this line of thought complicates even more the whole thing on Friday. AND, my conversations from afar the past few days have also complicated things. How much, I don't know.

So basically, I am fucked up. And I am so freaking confused about the crush deal. Yay Boston though!

Ah, the realizations that come when one's away are starting. To be away and alone with my thoughts on Day 1 of my adventure.

Today was... long. And it still goes on. And I'm still going on that 4 hours of sleep I got "last night".

I love to see my family, aunts and uncles and grandmother. However, with seeing them, nowadays, I get put on the set of a talk show and it's a mild inquisition with kind faces doing the questioning. College and the future and school have been fun topics let me tell ya. And I haven't even gone to look at the colleges I'm going to look at yet! Hah.

I got to see my cousin's hockey game, eat some bagels, have a Boost drink, and TALK. Oooh, today I went shopping with my cousin and her friends. They have a really impressive mall... crazy huge and has some awesome stores. It was nice to see clothes I liked outside of the normal crap department stores and Gap and Lerner... this huge store, Forever 21 was a dream store. I wish I was the type who spent money... and bought things that are really cute on me just because I wanted to. Alas, I am not. But I bought a very practical white button up shirt for STARS and all those other times I need one. It's really cute though. I might even wear it because I want to, not because I have to! Wow!

OH man, my family (you know, the strange blob of relatives that have ended up in Buffalo) went out to eat tonight and it was the most amazing feat of frustration EVER. My aunt decides we should go to Bennigans, no problem. We get there, there's a 45min to an hour wait. So... we're starving but we agree that we might as well wait. My cousins and I go to Dick's to kill some time, get back, and they have not seated us yet. We wait a half hour more...To cut to the chase, we wait an hour and a half for a table. And then the waitress gives the large table to another group that came well after us. My uncle is fuming, he talks to the manager and the manager tells him that one of the women in our party told the hostess that we were in no hurry! haha! Of course, that was bull. So we leave. They basically skipped over us on the list but deny it. Ugh. 90 minutes, wasted, and we're starving. So we decide to screw it and we go to Wendys.

DISCLAIMER: I still love Wendys. In no way does the following affect my love for Dave and his brainchild... don't beat me up :)

So we get into Wendys and get into the line. We're in line for close to 30 MINUTES. Wendys is FAST food? Yeah. The people working there are moving ridiculously slow and no one is getting what they ordered. So finally we get up there, and they have no salads besides one madarin chicken. I was going to order a side salad. But they didn't have any... so I ordered other crap and we all did. They messed up the order and it took us some time to sort it out. Meanwhile, the man that got his food before us, brings his burger up to the counter and there was literally a bug inside the wrapper of his burger when he opened it. Wonderful. We get our food anyway, although one of my aunts and one of my cousins decide not to order what they originally planned... and we start eating. My cousin got that chicken salad and her salad "had to take a leak" becase it was full of water at the bottom. Oh, what a pleasant night out to eat. Not too mention the sticky floor and seats... but that's besides the point.

So that was exciting.

And now, after all of that, I'm here. Sleepy but awake. It is Saturday afterall. Hah.

Well, I play too much. I don't know... what is going on. Clarity... why have you foresaken me? I guess it's coming in bits and pieces... but it's frightening me a bit. We shall see. I need to back off a bit. Yeah. No more everytime I come online I am able to talk to certan people. I won't be online for a while me thinks anyway. YEAH! Or... sad.. who knows.

I miss you all already... not because I'm gone now... but because... missing you is like, easy.

Ugh. So... packing is a bitch. I hate it. I always pack incorrectly... too much usually and I never want to have too much luggage but then I have to much shit to fit in the little amount of luggage... oh it sucks. Why must this start in such a negative way... I need positivity. I need no regrets. Dammit! It will come.

To Kill A Mockingbird at Beachwood High School was an interesting thing. I try to see it in perspective, we think we're awesome because people tell us this but really we're just another shitty high school putting on a quality show every now and then. I do think however, that our talents within the people of our club are quite high, and we are quite diverse. This being said, BHS's production was not so impressive. There was a deaf girl playing Mayella which was very good. She was quite talented... but... it was hard to believe in the play's context. About 3 of the other characters were well acted: Calpurnia, Bob Ewell and Scout. I preferred Kathy and Emma of course though... it's just strange to see a show that you just did with people you love. They were dependent upon mics and it went slowly... I guess the intensity was deafened by the strange stage they have there or something. Hey, Heck Tate was cute though... Bob Ewell wasn't so bad either. They were probably Jewish too. And we all know how I feel about that. Overall it was enjoyable, and of course the company was good... yay Barnstormers... the whole 14 of us that went.

Conversations were interesting. Yeah.

I think I'm feeling better on the whole fucking with my head and playing with fire and problem stuff. A slight bit of clarification within, with the help of my trusty friends, has made the view a bit clearer. Less confusion...

Yeah, so bed would be good since I have to be up in 4 hours. UGH.

Wow, everything is fucking with my mind lately. Literally, I do this to myself and it's insane. Playing with fire... yeah. That definitely sums things up for me.

Mmm... I just love boys. It's a problem. Or not a problem. What's going on? Who knows. I'm having a good time though.

So... school still sucks. I am so sick of Calculus. But, I guess I made a little progress talking to Mr. Altiere today... except he's impossible to talk to. And he had on his goofy glasses and he's such a little prick. I am not a fan of monkey math man.

I wish I had some clarity of mind. But, alas, I'm going to Boston this week and I have a 9 day break... that's pretty nice. I need to look at the brighter side of these things. I'm so skeptical within that it makes me want to puke. I need to work on that.

Ah, the battles between getting crap together and finished and having a not too horrible time doing it.

Goals for this break:
Finish college applications
Get homework done
Have fun

So, I leave for Buffalo tomorrow in the very early morning, and Sunday I leave there for Boston. I should be back in Lakewood by Wednesday, if all goes well.

Tonight, I get to go see another high school perform To Kill A Mockingbird. Should be interesting. I hope I have fun.

Until next time...

Good news:
-The tryouts for the Laramie Project have been changed to Dec. 2, after break, after Boston... yay!
-The Laramie Project is amazing. I read it yesterday. Woo boy.
- I got my pictures back of the play, and the cast party, and they're awesome... yay me and Chris!
-I'm wearing warm clothes
-I'm drinking Lemonade Iced Tea
-I can go to 3rd period self direct for once tomorrow

Bad news:
-FAILED the physics test I got back today
-have a calculus test tomorrow (it will be hard)
-I should be writing the English paper that's due tomorrow instead of writing this
-I still need to do all of my application nonsense
-I get really sick of smart kids
-Chris doesn't want me. Eric doesn't want me... woe is me.
-I STILL HAVE A FREAKING COLD!!! WHY AM I STILL SICK!? AHH!!!

Well, I'm back from a lovely trip to OSU. It was actually a lot of fun. I like the school a lot more than I thought I would. I'll probably end up there... not so bad really. But I'm not giving up all hope just yet.

A great day with Stacey, Matt Gallovic, and Chris Varano was full of the same exact information being told to us over and over. I met a very nice man, Brian, in the Honors & Scholars House. He was very hilarious... and yes, I make friends with all the gay men. Make fun of me all you want. After being at the Kuhn house (pronouced "coon"... just so you know) we went on a tour of Morrill Tower where Jana lives. They took us to a room and guess who's room it was? The Bubnicks! It was picture perfect, complete with giggling girls wearing the same outfit... hey, we're twins! Then we went to Jana's room. Yeah. More walking around campus, I bought a sweatshirt, and I got wet... by rain. You dirty minds. Then, eventually, we ate at a funny pizza place with a much older man with an ecclectic accent who supposedly, was hitting on me. But I did question the cleanliness of his establishment after he claimed Cleveland was dirtier than Columbus. So, he tried to kick me out. Needless to say, it was an amusing encounter. Jana's improv show was HILARIOUS. I was sooo impressed with them, they were way good! I hate improv, I can't even imagine doing that. Woo, go Talking Monkeys. The performance brought many a Lakewood kid into the same room. Kevin Snortland, Megan McCrae, Mary Theobald, Jana, Kim, Dave, Csilla, Rachel, me, Stacey... it was very strange. We went to Steak and Shake afterwards, and I had a nice Jr. Chocolate Shake. The walk to the party was way exciting... or something... and the party started off a little boring. However, I got to talking to some of the now a bit drunk Monkey boys and they were very fun. Brian (another one!... a Talking Monkey) was very enjoyable, and he remembered my name! We had a dance party to the worst dancing music possible. I was so tired. Waking up at 5:20am and going to bed at 3am does not work so well. It was a long and exciting day. Yeah.

Soo... yeah. I'm getting sick of my recounting of what happened entries. They're quite annoying. I guess I just don't have much else to point out... since when I'm so freaking busy and going going going, I don't think. Haha. No thought proccess for me. Hah.

I hope I see some of my boys tonight. At least one. Maybe. If I even go out! Yay!

Swooooosh... today was mood swing day! Hooray!

It started out, dull.. Key Club, sort of a neutral mood.
That lasted through 3rd, which involved serious psychology talk, government stressed work, and secretary to Mr. Gannon.

4th period was excitement, talking to Eric woohoo. In my scrub clothes, I sat there discussing all of the boy's outfits at our lunch thing. It sucked in there because they took away practically all of the couches in the LRoom due to a school clean up type deal.

5th period was quite interesting because it started out sucking, with bitchy choir kids with their robes, and FRUSTRATION, and thennnnn it was fun because I got to take fabulous pictures with everyone awesome like, CHRIS, and Peter and Liz and Katy and yay! It was fun. And thennnn... I got to stare at Chris and bother him and that was fun.

Then, because I was in such and upbeat mood at the end of 5th, I had enough energy and fun to last me through 7th! It was quite the feat to go through both AP Physics and AP Calculus with a positive attitude.

And then the whole Barnstormers meeting and talking to Mr. Gannon was a bit of a rollercoaster as well. I was crying about auditions. Ugh, it sucks so bad. I hope I can try out on Friday. Siiigh.

Anyhow, my loves, stay beautiful.

Ugh, my head is so fucked over. I'm in a depressive down swing of my mood due to some depressing news as of late. I asked Mr. Gannon when auditions would be for the show, and he said probably the Monday before Thanksgiving. This happens to be the date of my planned trip to Boston. I'm so upset. I have to figure it out... and yeah, I guess I just have to wait until he finalizes that.

I'm so lost in the amount of commitments and assignments I need to complete. I have to apply to college. I have to catch up on all of this random work I'm supposed to have done. I need to deal with myself as a person. I have to go to Boston. I have to live and breath and everything. I'm floating in a pool of this shit and all I really want to do is laugh and relax and take some time to be myself.

And then there's the further complications that come with my confused emotional self. I want to have someone. In a different way, and there's all of these boys that I could pursue, and probably get turned down. Anyhow, my deep feelings are ones that I wish to ignore, and I hate myself for having. I don't know what's going on with me. I hope it's just a passing fad. Why can't it just be an easy thing for once. One of you just say, Valerie, I love you. It would be great. But then again, if the one that says that isn't the right one, will I constantly be lost once more? I hate this! Why must I complicate things for myself?

Sigh. I think I shall sleep... perchance to dream.

I need a really good hug.

Well hello there.

Hell week was hell... but now it's Sunday after the show and I'm in recovery.

The worst part is that it all flashes past you in a big blur at some point and then you're done. Woooosh. Dress rehearsals were sometimes frustrating... for numerous reasons, but by Thursday we pulled ourselves together. It felt so good to be out in front of an audience. I have so much fun. I don't even know how to describe how much I love to do this. Sigh.

I got more and more sick as the performances went by, and the projects upon projects were an added plus. But it was so much fun. The skirts on Friday were so nice... yay us.

I missed Eric so much on Thursday! I had Dan Caja to keep me company, but it wasn't helping me too much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Man, I was so elated to see him on Friday. He didn't come to my play though! Sigh. Oh well I guess.

Saturday was so fun, woo Saturday of the show, woo. Liz and I were crazy. We still are crazy but, Aubrey wanted to know what I was on... so it's just the way it is. We made awesome bags though. Go us! I was so sick for that performance though, woowee. I sucked. And that is something my fellow cast members liked to remind me. I'm sorry I sucked. Oh well I guess. "It's over now". Ugh.

The cast party was so fun. I love Chris Bindel. Yay, cast parties. I had so much fun! lol. Have I said fun at all in this entry? Really! I have?! NO WAY!

I am having major male issues. I want one. Come to me. One of you. Why not?

My voice is gone. Yay.

I had a wonderful time with Margaret today at STARS. Yay me being a bitch. It's so fun.

So my philosophy on girl's having gay best friends has expanded into something great this weekend.

Girl's want a guy to think they're beautiful. Gay guys think all females are beautiful because they are female, and they get jealous of stuff like that. Girls feel beautiful when they're with people who think they're beautiful and thus, gay guys are great best friends. Nonconventionally attractive girls are very attractive to gay guys because odds are they have big boobs or something very feminine about them. Also, they like girls who are bitchy. Above all, they have an amazing respect for women. Thus, the gay best friend is ideal.

I know there are always exceptions and I'm sure there are many. I'm not trying to stereotype or anything, I'm just collecting the data that I have put in front of me. For example, Nic Damore, need I say more?

Well it has been way fun to write on here again. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.

I am in great turmoil over this male issue again. Why must I want to have one? It ruins everything.

Perhaps I should post once and a while. Ugh.

I've had the worst week imaginable... but as Goody says, it's all over now, and it's a brand new quarter. I got a less than desirable grade in Calculus this quarter due to a "dropping the ball" incident in which I got a very bad grade on a very bad test. But enough of this. I hate the classes I'm in right now, but hopefully I will be a bit more positive come Monday.

My sister just opened the door behind me and it's FREEEZING. It feels like Holidays already.

Here's what I can't believe.... HELL WEEK IS THIS WEEK! What the hell? It just creeps up and it's like BOO! Got ya!

Speaking of Boo, I went trick or treating for one last hoorah. We went as crayons! It was really cute, I'm excited that we did it. I was a purple crayon, used no less. We got plenty of candy for my liking, so all is well.

I saw Much Ado About Nothing this Wednesday with my English class (minus bandos :(). It was the third time I have seen Much Ado About Nothing which is kind of strange to me, because I'm not exactly well versed in Shakespeare or theatre. But it was very good, and it was very nice to know the story and such. Jay Kim, Jimmy Helms, and Kevin Kelly were in it... ooo I feel like such a cool theatre kid now.

Magnificat was Tuesday, and it was the longest day of my life.... or something, but it was a good time. Got to school at 7am and got home at 9pm. YEAH! The pasta was good, and Nick did probably THE funniest thing I have experienced all week... man.

Last night I went to a fun Marching Band concert, which I enjoyed muchly. My dying screaming was less than desirable but I had to scream for my peeps! Oh geez.

I got to sleep in for the first time since the beginning of the school year, it's absolutely ridiculous. I did way too many things this quarter. I'm exhausted! And guess what, I still need to apply to college. YAY.

So... yeah. I guess that's enough of this randomly spouted event telling... sorry for my stupidity.